What’s the Difference
I’ve been thinking a lot about why some people are able to consistently make massive leaps in their life, while others seem to struggle to make any progress.
Don’t get me wrong, they think that they’re making progress. They get through lists, and have small moments of growth (even what they think is a breakthrough from time to time) but mostly their life is stuck cycling through the same set of shitty problems, which they never really deal with.
I’ll explain what I mean through two starkly contrasted examples:
Example #1: Ed
I recently ran into Ed, a guy in his early 50s, who used to attend my Dating Foundations Series lectures over 5 years ago, when I was still running them in the lecture rooms at Columbia University.
I hadn’t seen him in about four years, but I remember him clearly. Ed was a decent looking guy, with a great job in the tech field. At the time he was single, and he was trying to figure out the single scene. During this process, he found my lectures on meetup, and since they were free, he thought he would check them out.
Every Saturday, Ed would float in about 15 minutes late to my lectures. Then, he would sit in the back, and listen. He did this for about a eight months before he disappeared.
During this time, I once asked Ed, “What’s your goal?”
“To have more choice in my dating life,” he responded, with a confident swagger.
I thought this was a great goal until I dug deeper. I discovered that Ed had never had a serious girlfriend, and that he basically had no sex life other than a couple random hookups.
Originally, I thought that he wanted more choice to diversify his options, but in reality, even though he had a lot of advantages over other guys, he had no options.
Ed once attended a $20 infield practice, where we took the guys out to practice meeting women in a local rooftop lounge.
At that event, I discovered that although Ed came off as confident at the lectures, he was terrified to approach women, especially women that he was attracted to. As we chatted afterward, I learned that to compensate for this, he tried a few online dating websites, but his dates seldom made it past date number 1.
I suggested that he take the Dating Mastery Program, where I get to go a lot further into these subjects, but he said that he didn’t need it.
Recently, I was out at a club, when I recognized Ed immediately. He was with a group of guys from the pickup scene, who also had attended my lectures over the years.
He looked almost the same, except that his hair looked a bit more thin, and it definitely had more grey. Also, he wore glasses. I couldn’t remember him in glasses, so I asked about them. He explained that he use to wear contacts, but his prescription had worsened, so he had to wear them now. Basically, Ed looked the same, just older.
As we chatted, I hoped that he would say that everything had changed. That he had disappeared because he had found the woman of his dreams, and had moved on to the next phase of his life. But nope. Essentially, he was in the exact same place.
He tried to mask it with the same confident swagger, but as I again dug deeper, I learned that he could now approach women, but still struggled to approach women that he found attractive. He also said, that he would often run out of things to say, seldom got past the first dates, and that except for a relationship that lasted about a month (a year and a half ago) his sex life was still nonexistent.
I asked him, “What have you been doing to improve this area of your life?”
He had done a lot. He went out regularly with his wingmen, had read several books by pickup coaches, watched any videos he could find on the subject on YouTube, was active on a couple different pickup forums, and had attended free intro lectures by dozens of dating coaches and pickup gurus.
He had done a lot, and yes, he had made some progress, but honestly, it sounded like he had wasted the last 5 years of his life, especially when I contrast him with my second example, Jared.
Example #2: Jared
I met Jared about a year and a half ago. He had graduated college, worked as an engineer, and had just moved to New York. At the time, he was in his early thirties, and had never kissed a girl.
For a long time, Jared had neglected his love life to focus on other goals. At this point, his career was going well, but his love life sucked. Jared didn’t want to be alone, so he decided to make fixing his love life his #1 priority for the next year.
When I asked him why, he argued, “What’s the point of being successful, if I have no one to share it with?”
Once Jared decided to fix his dating life, he started doing research on experts, which is how he found Craft of Charisma. He explored our website, read about our dating coaching programs, studied the Craft of Charisma reviews, and then emailed me about the Dating Mastery Program.
I told him to drop by the lecture, and that after we could grab coffee, and talk about the program. We did, and he made it clear that he wanted to get married and to start a family.
With this said, Jared was aware that he couldn’t force things. That he needed to learn to date, and to learn how to be in a relationship. And although he realized that he might need to kiss a few frogs (the wrong girls for him) that this was part of the process of learning what he needed in a partner. He had four or five questions, which I answered, then he wrote me a check for $4,000, to sign up for the the Dating Mastery Program.
Jared took the program seriously. Each week, he showed up on time, and had a list of questions ready for me. And when I answered them, he listened, and did whatever I told him to do, even when it didn’t make sense, because he knew that his approach to this problem wasn’t helping him get the results he wanted, which is why he was trying something different.
Soon Jared had his first kiss. Then he was dating a couple different girls. Then the class ended, and he disappeared.
Recently, he emailed me. After the program, he dated a lot, became a bit of a playboy, but that helped him figure out what he wanted, needed, and once he had his first girlfriend, how to be in a relationship.
That relationship didn’t last, but soon after, he met an incredible girl, fell in love, and because he knew what to do, started dating her and within a year he married her. And now, together they’ve begun planning the next phase of their life.
What’s the Difference…
Jared had a very clear idea of what he wanted. He was committed to his goal. And he made his goal a major priority. He also realized that life is short and that his time was valuable. He didn’t waste time struggling with problems that he didn’t know how to solve. Instead, when he got stuck, he found an expert to help him solve a specific set of problems, so that he could make progress quickly, and move on. In the end, being focused and willing to acknowledge that he needed help gave him choice in his dating life.
Ed and Jared are examples of two very different approaches to life, which one is more like you?