ArticleDating AdviceDating QuestionsPsychology

Questions to Ask a Girl

By Rob Virges

“Questions to ask a girl? Hmmm….”

“What kind of questions do you ask a girl?”

“What should I ask her?”

“What do I say to her?”

“What do girls usually like to talk about?”

“What if she’ll think I’m awkward if I talk about my hobbies?”

“There’s no point in me introducing myself to her, I always go blank and run out of things to talk about.”

“I have absolutely nothing to talk about and nothing to ask her even though I’m really attracted to her.”

These are probably some of the thoughts, anxieties, and questions you’re probably asking yourself or that’s running through your head after getting past the initial hurdle of the first introductions. In my last few years of coaching along with some of my personal experiences trying to learn seduction and dating, this has been the most common question  I’d be asked and issue where a lot of my students would get stuck.  A lot of men make the assumption that you’re either are a good conversationalist or not, surprisingly; it’s really not that black and white. Like any other skill in life, becoming a smooth conversationalist and asking the right questions to get her and keep her interested in you can be learned and mastered with consistent practice. When I first started learning seduction, most of the guys around me didn’t really have an understanding on what questions to ask a girl or how keep her interested in wanting to continue to converse with you.

The common advice that was given out there at the time when I was learning was usually keep “making statements” which to clarify is to make an observation or an open-ended deduction about her based on her appearance, looks, and or even the vibe she’s giving off. Others were that you should always be nice to women and shower her with compliments about her appearance, and lastly, the other common advice I’d get was that you shouldn’t care at all, that you should just completely be yourself, say whatever is on your mind, and tell her that you think she’s really hot or attractive. While in some very rare cases that these might work, nine times out of ten I can tell you that she’s going to feel very uncomfortable, a little awkward, and would most likely quickly try to find a way to get out of continuing the interaction with you. It’s easy to see why and how dating advice can easily be jumbled and confused for most guys who are just starting out and learning what kind of questions to ask a girl.

Some of these examples are some tools that are good for starting and continuing a conversation like making statements and being a little unfiltered but, a lot of guys who are just learning or starting out misinterpret it as the ONLY things you need to continue a conversation with a girl and to keep her interested in you. The best analogy I like to give every one of my students especially when it comes to learning what kind of questions to ask a girl or what to know, say, and do to become a smooth conversationalist is it’s like being a mechanic and having a toolbox with all the tools that you need to fix a car.

Before we get into the gist of knowing what questions to ask a girl and what you need to know how keep her interested in continuing a conversation with you is to simply understand that every single girl you will interact with is going to be different. While there are a lot of common variables and similarities among girls that you will run into throughout the process of learning how to become a successful seducer, it’s fundamentally important to understand that all women are not THE SAME. Both mainstream society and the dating community share one common flaw in how they think about attracting, courting, seducing, and connecting with a girl. Conventional dating advice goes off the assumption that all women are the same. Women all think the same way and therefore will react in the same way to each stimuli that is presented to them.

Going back to my earlier analogy about being a mechanic with a toolbox full of tools to fix the car, it’s important to have a mindset similar to the mechanic in the earlier analogy and have the flexibility to understand and quickly adapt to each girl that you will interact with. What I often teach to my students and our clients who take our dating programs is to be confident, be social, and be FLEXIBLE. Flexibility is important, because humans are unpredictable and reactive emotional creatures. It’s important to fundamentally understand that each person has a different threshold and that it’s important to test each situation, and to test each girl’s threshold as in how comfortable they are in your presence and if they are giving off signals to how attracted they are to you, essentially some of the core foundations of emotional intelligence. I will go over the other aspects of it such as touch, non-verbal communication, and body language in future posts.

With that fundamental understanding in place, knowing that each girl is different, and therefore must be adjusted for in each situation, you’re probably asking yourself “What are other things I should know before I initiate a conversation with a girl?” I oftentimes use the analogy of a quarterback reading a defense before going in and initiating a conversation with a girl. It’s important to look for what I call approach invitations. Just knowing simple things like:

  • If she looks like she’s in a rush to go to another place.
  • If she’s got her headphones in and is not making eye contact with anyone.
  • If her arms are crossed and that’s she’s in a defensive position.
  • If she’s with a group of friends.
  • Or even something as simple as her not smiling back to you when you try to smile and make eye contact with her, it makes all the difference before you even go in and try to initiate an interaction with her.

It’s basic emotional intelligence to be able to read and know these things before going in and initiating a conversation with her. It’s essential to look for approach invitations to see, know, and make a calculated deduction that will increase your chances of having a successful interaction with her and eventually getting a date.

So you’ve read the approach invitations, you’ve opened her successfully, and you’ve introduced yourself to her and she’s introduced herself to you, what now? This is the point in the interaction where most guys tend to lose the interaction with the girl. The conversation usually goes one of many different ways:

  1. The guy’s anxiety usually takes over and he enters “fight-or-flight” mode:
    • He mumbles, stutters, and stumbles over his words.
    • His voice always peaks high and cracks.
    • His palms start to sweat.
    • He completely freezes.
    • He starts to make irrational decisions and starts filtering himself to appease the girl.
    • Or in some cases he does the polar opposite and “un-filters” himself too much to the point that she’s feels threatened and will most likely eject out of her interaction.
  2. The conversation goes stale because you’ve entered interview mode and are asking her too many general questions without direction like:
    • What do you do for a living?
    • Where are you from?
    • Where did you grow up?
    • Do you have any brothers or sisters?
  3. You don’t know what to say to her because you aren’t “actively listening” and are constantly interrupting her.

These are a few reasons as to why the interaction always goes stale and why guys often get stuck in the rut of always running out of things to talk about or what kind of questions to ask a girl to keep the interaction moving forward towards a date with her. Let’s take a few steps back to before you initiated an interaction with her. Once again, you’ve read the approach invitations, you’ve opened her successfully, and you’ve introduced yourself to her and she’s introduced herself to you, what now?

The answer I’m going to give you is going to sound so absurd yet, ironically is so simple:

  • Ask her how her day is going and actively listen to what she is saying.

Oftentimes, most guys who are learning how to converse with the opposite sex tend to over complicate it for reasons usually being their anxieties and how a girl will perceive them. It often goes back to our pre-conceived notions about ourselves and treating each negative experience with each girl as the ONLY paradigm of what to expect from future interactions. A lot of courtship and ensuring a successful interaction with a girl depends mostly on emotional management which is another facet of emotional intelligence. Learning how to manage your anxieties is important because as you get better at interacting with women, you learn that another part of your job to lead her is to manage her anxieties about herself and your perception of her, but that is another article for another day.

What does it mean to actively listen? Have you ever been in a conversation with a friend, a family member, a colleague, or even a girl that you’re attracted to and you feel like your mind is drifting into another place as that person keeps talking? It’s very common that our minds tend to keep drifting away as we’re biologically hardwired to constantly think of the next move, the next plan, or the next place to go. It’s a defense mechanism meant to ensure our survival and oftentimes can sabotage our interactions with the opposite sex. I’m sure you’ve had plenty of times in your life where you were heard but you felt that you were never actually “heard” like when you ask your boss an important question but he’s too busy working on his computer and sending out memos. Presence is a very difficult practice but if you’re able to ground yourself and actually pay attention to what she’s saying it will make her feel connected to you and make your rapport with her even stronger. It’ll also increase your magnetism or what some refer to as charisma.

Here are a few things you can do to actively increase your presence with her and to shut your mind off:

  • Take a few deep breaths and refocus your attention back to her.
  • Put your phone in airplane mode and ignore whatever incoming messages you have.
  • Hold stronger eye contact with her.
  • If you’ve been progressively touching her throughout your interaction, prolong your touch. Pull back if she’s pulling back or tensing up & repeat.
  • Ask her about what she’s passionate about in life and why?
  • Ask her what her biggest dreams and why?
  • Ask her about the most interesting things she has going on in her life at the moment and why?
  • Ask her how she felt as she’s describing a specific experience to you.
  • Pause for a moment if she stops talking and wait to see if she’ll say anything. (This builds sexual tension)

So you’ve built some rapport with her utilizing a few of the strategies I mentioned before and got her a little more invested in her interaction with you.  When I provide this framework to my students, some of them often tell me that their biggest anxiety is not sounding “real” or coming off as very fake. A lot of conventional dating advice will usually give you a list of questions without providing any reasoning as to why they should be utilized in the first place. A lot of dating or pickup advice also usually provides men with a list of prepared questions that usually come off as in-genuine or inorganic.  Having a list of prepared questions raises another issue, going back to what I was talking about earlier, a common mistake a lot of guys fall into early on and ask the girl they’re attracted to questions that are either too generic and boring such as “What do you do or where are you from?” which feels like you’re sitting in an interview rather than actually creating a connection with her.

Standard interview mode questions have their place in the interaction and I’m not saying that you should completely discard them, but don’t completely rely on them to carry the interaction. They need to be used in moderation and balanced out when you’re asking her deeper questions about her life and as should primary be utilized as a means of gathering logistical information about her such as her prior and or current relationship history, her relationships with her friends and family, and just random facts about her that you can use for future interactions with her such as her pet’s name or favorite food. Interview mode questions should be balanced out with what I call stronger questions. I listed a few examples before such as asking her “what are you passionate about in life and why? And “what are the most interesting thing you have going on in your life at the moment and why?” to name a few. So what exactly do stronger questions do for you in terms of strengthening your rapport with her?

They provide you meaningful information about her, show her that you have genuine interest in her, and allow you to be vulnerable, real, and open which is something a lot of men struggle with when it comes to meeting and connecting with the opposite sex. Stronger and deeper questions get her interested in you while simultaneously allowing you to screen her personality out and to find out if you’re compatible with her. They allow you to get deeper and take you out of the traditional dull script and into a fun and stimulating exchange. Here are some things that you should consider when asking stronger and deeper questions to a girl that you’re attracted to and have initiated some of the previous steps that I mentioned earlier. There’s nothing wrong with having a few fall back questions when starting out but in the long run you don’t want her to feel like she just came out of an interview because it really creates an inauthentic vibe and drastically lowers your chances of creating attraction or comfort with her.  So what are some things you should consider when creating and asking stronger questions?

Stronger Questions have some basic characteristics:

  • They should be open ended. Open-ended questions such as “What is your biggest passion in life?” or “If you had all the all the money in the world, what would be the 1st thing you would do” allow for in-depth and detailed answers about her. You will actually start learning things about her that you can use later on in your future interactions to create a deeper connection and show her that you were actually listening which is an essential skill to have when you’re deepening your connection with her
  • They allow for a “give and take”. What I mean by that is after she answers you, you give her your own answer. If both of you are really getting into each other, she’s going to be just as interested in your answer as you were in hers. A strong question should lead into more questions after she’s done answering.
  • It’s easy to get side-tracked when you’re asking a stronger question. There’s nothing wrong with that. When you ask her a question, you want to know her answer but it’s essential to keep the momentum going and keep her interested. If she starts getting side-tracked and going into random tangents, it’s a good sign and good to just go with the flow of the conversation.
  • Its common sense but, still worth mentioning. A strong question is congruent with the rest of the conversation. If she’s talking about her dog, asking about her job doesn’t make any sense. Ask her something about her dog or something related to pets.

Stronger questions get people talking about things they’re interested in and their deepest passions in life. This is essential towards increasing your likeability; which will help lead you towards a real and intimate conversation, not just a script. It’s essential to have this understanding when you’re thinking about questions to ask a girl, because as logical as we think seduction may be, it’s a very emotional process and being able to harness her emotions and lead her is very crucial when you’re trying to connect and eventually date a girl you’re attracted to.

To recap/review everything that you’ve learned so far:

  1. Before even initiating and thinking about what questions to ask a girl it’s fundamentally important to understand that not every girl is the same, that each interaction with a new girl is going to be different, there will be common variables but it’s important to remember to have flexibility in your interactions as each girl has a different comfort threshold, it’s important to have a mindset similar to the mechanic in the earlier analogy and have the flexibility to understand and quickly adapt to each girl that you will interact with.
  2. Before going in and initiating a conversation with a girl. It’s important to look for what I call approach invitations. Just knowing simple things like:
    • If she looks like she’s in a rush to go to another place.
    • If she’s got her headphones in and is not making eye contact with anyone.
    • If her arms are crossed or has very defensive body language.
    • If she’s with a group of friends.
    • Or even something as simple as her not smiling back to you when you try to smile and make eye contact with her makes all the difference before you even go in and try to initiate an interaction with her.
  3. Ask her how her day is going and actively listen to what she is saying.
    • Take a few deep breaths and refocus your attention back to her.
    • Put your phone in airplane mode and ignore whatever incoming messages you have.
    • Hold stronger eye contact with her.
    • If you’ve been progressively touching her throughout your interaction, prolong your touch. Pull back if she’s pulling back or tensing up and repeat.
    • Ask her how she felt as she’s describing a specific experience to you.
    • Pause for a moment if she stops talking and wait to see if she’ll say anything. (This builds sexual tension)
  4. Understanding how to construct a stronger/deeper question:
    • Basic Characteristics:
      • They should be open ended. Open-ended questions such as “What is your biggest passion in life?” or “If you had all the all the money in the world, what would be the 1st thing you would do” allow for in-depth and detailed answers about her. You will actually start learning things about her that you can use later on in your future interactions to create a deeper connection and show her that you were actually listening which is an essential skill to have when you’re deepening your connection with her
      • They allow for a “give and take”. What I mean by that is after she answers you, you give her your own answer. If both of you are really getting into each other, she’s going to be just as interested in your answer as you were in hers. A strong question should lead into more questions after she’s done answering.
      • It’s easy to get side-tracked when you’re asking a stronger question. There’s nothing wrong with that. When you ask her a question, you want to know her answer but it’s essential to keep the momentum going and keep her interested. If she starts getting side-tracked and going into random tangents, it’s a good sign and good to just go with the flow.
      • Its common sense but, still worth mentioning. A strong question is congruent with the rest of the conversation. If she’s talking about her dog, asking about her job doesn’t make any sense. Ask her something about her dog or something related to pets.
  1. Have a balance of “interview mode” questions and “stronger questions” to gather information about her, build rapport with her, and build a deeper connection with her.
    • Deeper/Stronger Question Examples:
      • Ask her about what she’s passionate about in life and why?
      • Ask her what her biggest dreams and why?
      • Ask her about the most interesting things she’s has going on in her life at the moment and why?
    • Interview Mode Question Examples:
      • What do you do for a living?
      • Where did you grow up?
      • Where do you currently live?
      • What is your favorite food?
      • What kind of pet do you have & what is his/her’s name?

So now you have the steps, a better understanding on what questions to ask a girl you’re attracted to, and some new tools in your seduction tool box.

Best of luck to developing your silver tongue,

-Rob Virges

If you want any quick dating tips of the day, ask me any questions, what you want me to write about, get updates on our next post, Facebook Live Streams, or even just tell me how you’re doing, send me a shout out on:

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Rob Virges

Rob Virges

Hello I'm Rob and welcome to our website! I am a Craft of Charisma Senior Dating Coach & here's a little bit about myself: In the last few years I've been coaching men in the art of connecting and finding love, I can tell you I've been called "an asshole with a heart". Just like other men who've been trying to figure out the dating game, I used to be a really socially awkward and an angsty person. I'm a former Dating Mastery Program alumni and apprentice whose been coaching for Craft of Charisma for the last four years. These days I'm confident, brutally honest, and pretty quirky. I'm not a creepy pickup artist. I'm a normal guy whose pretty good & comfortable with women. My job is simple, to motivate you, to help you become the best version of yourself, find love, and help you end your loneliness. But anyways welcome to Craft of Charisma, The #1 company for teaching people to connect, to love, and to nurture healthy relationships that last a lifetime. Let us know how we can help you! Book phone coaching session with Rob V.

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