How to Flirt with a Girl over Text (Part II)
By Rob Virges
“How do I flirt with a girl over text?”
“I love having a structure to refer to but I don’t want to come off as robotic and in genuine when I’m texting her.”
In part 1 of this two part series, I laid out the foundations, a step-by-step guide on how to text a girl, what to do with each unique situation that may come up, and most of all providing you a comprehensive mental model to utilize when engaging and setting up a date with a girl you’re attracted to through text, which is one of the most common hurdles that derail a lot of men’s chances of going out with the girl of their dreams. If you haven’t had a chance please take your time to study “How to Flirt With a Girl Over Text” and digest it before moving on to this. But, if you’ve already applied some of the prior concepts I went over in part I and you want to add a little more spice to your conversations, please read on.
Texting can be a super fun way to stay in contact with a girl and to continue connecting and generating interest with her prior to a date, or even a conversation. It’s essentially a bridge from your first interaction with her to your eventual first date with her if you’ve played your cards right. I understand it can be a bit overwhelming, especially for you guys out there who’ve managed to overcome the hurdle of approaching her cold and getting her phone number only to be plagued by the anxiety of not knowing what to say or how to keep the lighthearted fun and sexual tension. It’s tough, I’ve been down that road myself and I’d question everything and blame factors out of my control like technology for example thinking that it’s made dating so complicated and getting a girl you like to go out with you into an obstacle course full of fire pits, sharp pointy objects, and trying to kill a dragon before it kills you. (Actually, I take that last statement back; fighting dragons and jumping over fire pits would be pretty damn cool.)
As I mentioned earlier if you want a detailed and more comprehensive understanding of these concepts with examples please refer back to Part I “How to Flirt with a Girl Over Text”
But if you already did, here’s a brief recap on How to Text a Girl:
- The primary purpose of texting a girl boils down to Logistics. The where, when, and what in terms of setting up a date with her. You can’t have or get to logistics until you’ve created an emotional connection first
- Step 1: First Interaction:
- Create an emotional connection; start making plans, and exchange contact information.
- Step 2: Text or message :
- Reinitiated contact, and mention meeting up, and a possible call.
- Step 3: Call (optional) :
- Talk about meeting up, and make plans more concrete by having a plan and giving options.
- Step 4: Confirm :
- The day of or night before.
- Always attempt to move the relationship into a moment in the future.
- Remember, if one girl doesn’t respond, don’t take it personally and don’t pick yourself apart. If women aren’t responded to you consistently, then it’s almost always because of one of these two reasons:
- You’re not building a strong enough emotional connection with the women that you’re meeting (attraction, comfort, or sexual tension) in person.
- You’re not focusing enough on making plans, meeting up again, and leading the women you meet through this process.
In a nutshell, step-by-step that is Texting 101 for you. Now that we got that out of the way, let’s jump into some new concepts and mindsets to incorporate into your approach to texting that’ll give you the edge in every single one of your future interactions post approach. Flirting isn’t a complicated concept especially if you managed to arouse a strong emotional reaction such as making her laugh during your first interaction with her.
You know that generic and stereotypical dating advice you usually get from your buddies, maybe your dad, or even your chick friends that you “shouldn’t be so easy” or “play a little hard to get”? Like you I’ve been down that road too and it used to make me cringe as much as when a few of my really good female friends would say to “Just be nice.” without providing a logical explanation to how or why we should just do XYZ even though I knew it wasn’t working. There is a little truth to the whole idea of generating intrigue and some curiosity, the most charismatic people are usually the best listeners and aren’t completely open books, they put the spotlight on the other person and get them to invest in talking about themselves, their passions, and all the other little intimate and mundane details about themselves and their lives without talking about themselves. There are a lot of psychological studies that back this up, the pleasure centers of your brain are activated when you talk about yourself. That’s why if you’re a good listener and resist the urge to talk about yourself and shine the spotlight on the girl or any person you’re interacting with, you’re more likely to be associated with positive feelings and emotions. (Didn’t mean to go on a random tangent but I will talk more about this and how to be charismatic in a future post)
The main takeaway from here is to get her to invest more in you and the interaction with you both in your first meeting and through texting. What are some examples of that you may ask? A lot of men try to generate intrigue or re-initiate contact through text by being blatant about some crazy thing that happened to them during their day. Let’s say you found $500.00 on the ground and you decide that you want to text her about it as a clever ice breaker.
- Guy 1 (Don’t): “OMG Natalie, the craziest thing just happened to me today, I was on my way to work & found $500.00 on the ground by a dumpster”
- Guy 2 (Do): “Strange day so far, finding stacks of cash in the most random places today. How’s your day going so far Natalie, lucky as mine?
So what’s wrong with Guy 1’s text? He did a lot of things right, it was interesting and didn’t come off as needy. But what he failed at compared to Guy 2 was that he was too overt in his approach, taking away the fun, the surprise and the curiosity to how he found the money. Flirting is all about emotions and it didn’t make sense to me at first, when I first started learning how to meet and date women. I used to think that being blunt, straightforward, and overt most of the times were the most effective and masculine ways to communicate with women, when in reality the only thing it did was push them away or make them feel no excitement when I tried to connect with them.
So what exactly did Guy 2 do right? He didn’t toss all his cards out on the table. He structured the same text in a way that generates curiosity. First, he makes it clear that something unusual has happened, he’s found money in a strange place. But he doesn’t say where. The girl getting this text is going to think to herself, “Hmm, I wonder where and how much?” and will most likely probably ask him about it. This engages her curiosity and makes her most likely want to text back and find out more. Furthermore, Guy 2 made the message personal, by asking her how her day is going and including her name. He also makes her think about him again by asking her if her day is as lucky as his. If you’ve noticed this subtle progression, what Guy 2 is doing is trying to get her to invest into the interaction which is essentially your primary objective when you’re flirting with her, whether that’d be in person or through text.
Keep it lighthearted and Fun:
I know a lot of the stuff I’ve been talking about so far is a lot to remember and when I’m coaching my clients and we get to the part where they’re trying to learn how to flirt with a girl in person, through texting, and online dating, they lose sight of the fact that flirting with her is supposed to be fun and silly. There is always a time and place to talk about your hopes, dreams, and ideologies with a woman you’re interested in. But a text message is not that place. Most of us lead such hectic lives with a million different worries running through our head, that the last thing we want to do is have to put a lot of time and effort into replying to a text message. An attractive girl’s phone is usually bombarded with texts from guys vying for her attention throughout the day. These texts will often range from the boring to the down-right coma inducing. Here are a few examples of some funny banter that you can utilize to get the ball rolling:
- “Hey Natalie, you inspired me to try Chipotle for the 1st It was out of this world, and I don’t even believe in aliens.”
- “Hey Natalie, my hips are still sore from all that dancing last night, you gotta go easy on me next time!”
- “Hey Natalie, I almost had a nervous breakdown today. I’m overwhelmed with the self-consciousness over my abundance of my black V-neck shirts”
Funny banter like the examples listed above is great to do the day after you meet her. The best way to do utilize this is to recall back something you talked about with her on your 1st interaction and where you met.
When you’re interacting with a girl you’re attracted to whether that’d be in person or when you’re texting her, you want to avoid making “you” and “I” statements. You want to start getting into the habit of using words like “us” and “we” to mentally prime her to see both of you and think of you a one unit The more “us” and “we” statements you use, the more things you talk about the two of you doing together, and the more you paint situations where the two of you are doing something together, the more you’re likely to create the feeling of “us as a couple” in her subconscious mind. She hears it enough from you and she’ll believe it herself so long as it’s an idea she accepts and welcomes (no amount of “us” statements in the world will make a girl feel close to a guy she doesn’t like at some level!). Another great way of doing this is using “us vs. the world” a sound way of making her feel like it’s the two of you in something together.
Here are a few examples of the Us Mentality:
“Damn Natalie, we should probably change our names to Steph Curry and Klay Thompson, we totally destroyed everyone at that beer pong tournament last night, our shots would just not stop sinking.”
“We totally killed it during karaoke night last night Nat, they got nothing on our freestyling abilities, both Biggie & Tupac would be proud.”
You can utilize the Us Mentality in any context and anytime you interact with her. It elicits emotions of humor, lightheartedness, her subconsciously thinking about being with you or entertaining the idea of you and her as a couple, which essentially makes her feel closer to you.
Build some Sexual Tension:
Making a girl feel naughty around you is exciting and liberating. Most women, no matter how they act or what they tell you, at some point feel constrained and judged by society and the men and women in their lives. When they meet a guy who can joke around with them about being naughty and not get worked up, judgmental, feel judged it’s refreshing, and lets them relax around you and see you as a man they can become intimate with all the more readily.
“I just found this bottle of cabernet in my liquor cabinet and no one to share it with. Want to help me finish it? But…only if you promise to behave.”
This is an example of a future projection and creating a scenario in her head. Drinking wine together, something people typically do prior to sex, and then goes on to reinforce that idea by telling her to behave. The guy here is placing the girl into the chasing position as well, by implying that she’s the one who will need to behave. Women find this kind of teasing witty and fun, since it’s typically the men who are chasing them, and they also find it exciting to have the tables turned for once. When you say things like this, it triggers little switches in women’s subconscious mind that say, “He’s hard to get. And I must be chasing after him because he says I am, which means I must like him a lot.”
(Another thing to note here, especially for text message beginners, is the use of punctuation. Note that the “…” implies a thought that’s kind of trailed off and has been left unfinished, as if there is more to say. Had the text ended with a simple period, it would be an abrupt ending to the statement and have an entirely different context and meaning to it)
I’m well aware that this post was a little long and kind of all over the place, but I want you to understand that flirting is not a linear and step-by-step progression like part I of “How to Flirt with a Girl Over Text”. To make it easier on you here’s a bullet point summary of the concepts we just went over and just think of these concepts as tools you can add to your dating toolbox. Because life is so unpredictable and full of surprises, sometimes you’re going to have to get creative and improvise and adapt to the situation.
In a Nutshell when you’re flirting with a girl over text you want to:
- Generate Curiosity
- Keep it lighthearted and Fun
- Use the “Us Mentality”
- Build Some Sexual Tension
‘Til next time,
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