ArticleDating AdviceDating Questions

How to Get Out of the Friend Zone

by Rob Virges

“How to get out of the friend zone…”

“How do you get out of this horrible, sexless, & purgatory-like place?”

“I’ve fallen in love with my best friend, professed my loyalty to her, and she condemned me to the friend zone.”

“Is it always going to be this way for nice guys? Women are always going to be attracted to those jackasses while we suffer here quietly in the friend zone?”

 

Ah the friend zone, one of my favorite and most frequently asked topic to cover next to dealing with approach anxiety and how to secure and transition a date into something more sexual and intimate. Here at Craft of Charisma besides our immediate students that we consult and coach, we frequently get emails on how to get out of the friend zone. That’s why I’ve decided to write a comprehensive article on the friend zone. In this article I will cover everything from:

  • What the “Friend Zone” is.
  • Why do men do to get categorized into the “Friend Zone”?
  • A constructive way on how to get out of the “Friend Zone”
  • A healthy mindset on dealing with the “Friend Zone” and how to prevent yourself from falling into it in the first place.

What is “The Friend Zone”?

For the dating novice or anyone whose never heard of the term, “the friend zone” refers to a situation where one individual in an intimate friendship with another individual develops intense feelings and wants to move the relationship to something more romantic and sexual. More often than not the other individual is unaware of the friend’s intentions and desires and does not want to risk the friendship after finding out. As a result the person who has the intense feelings for the latter is thus categorized into the “friend zone” and will not be able to transition out of that status and into the desired “girlfriend or boyfriend” status.

This phenomenon is a very frustrating position for most men who are trying to transition into a romantic relationship with a woman they’re attracted to. A lot of the times the frustration is sexually-motivated with one friend desiring a more intimate and physical relationship with the latter. On some rare occasions, the friends had already become sexually involved but there was a mutual understanding at some point in the relationship that it would not progress into anything more than friends with benefits. But, there is a motivation on one side to transition into a romantic relationship as a committed boyfriend or girlfriend. In very few but can always happen occasions, both of the last two situations I have mentioned can overlap and become a catalyst to why they got friend zoned. In a nutshell, wanting more than you’re currently getting is an emotionally frustrating hellhole for men and women, the friend zone is not an easy place to be.

 

Why do people get “Friend Zoned”

Before I jump into the solutions to dealing with this emotionally drenching phenomenon most men struggle with at some point in their dating lives, we need to discuss why people get categorized and condemned there in the first place. All relationships whether it’s your friends, family, work, and even romantic relationships are social exchanges that requires a give and take for both parties. This means people set up give-and-take agreements to get what they want from the other person and give what they’re willing to give.

One of the reasons why the friend zone phenomenon happens to a lot of men is the social exchange balance is thrown off where the man is usually trying to display as much obedience and affection for a girl he’s attracted to without ever asking for anything in return. The “nice guy” phenomenon usually comes into play here. Men show only their nice guy traits’ for example acting overly chivalrous (which there is nothing wrong with chivalry) by bending over at the girl’s every whim even if it’s completely inconvenient and illogical to the guy, being an emotional support and essentially a sponge when she’s gotten into a fight with one of her boyfriends or friends, and completely filtering their intentions, sexuality, and personality for fear of either offending the girl they’re attracted to or getting rejected by the girl.

I can go on for days talking about the “Nice Guy” and “Nice Girl” phenomenon but we’ll discuss that in another article.

In a nutshell, when someone gets “friend zoned”, they have entered a social exchange and relationship that’s completely lopsided. The other person is getting everything he/she wants, usually more than what they ask for but the person who’s been condemned into the friend zone isn’t getting anything in return from all the exchanges.

How to deal with the “Friend Zone” constructively:

Now that you understand the why, now onto the what, what exactly you might be asking? What not to do to get friend zoned in the first place and a healthy and constructive mindset on dealing with it. One of the most common questions I get from my students is how to get out of the friend zone. In reality it’s not impossible but the work invested into trying to get out is a complete waste of time, energy, and an emotional hell for both parties involved. That’s why here at Craft of Charisma, besides honing your dating skills, we make it our mission to help you develop yourself into a well-rounded man with a healthy mindset. Essentially, helping you develop the best version of yourself. So here are a few quick fixes to reorient your mindset and your attitude.

  1. Transparency.
    • A lot of men lack the ability to be brutally honest with themselves and the world around them, the point I’m trying to drive home here is to not have an ulterior motive when it comes to a girl you’re attracted to. One of the reasons men get friend zoned a lot is due to the fact that they cannot be honest about their attraction to the girl. When you first meet a girl or if you’ve been friends with a girl for a long time but have trouble showing your true self, ask yourself the question “Am I happy? Am I being brutally honest with what I want for myself?” Always be honest, you’d be surprised how your life starts to come together when you start to be honest with yourself. It’s important to have mental and emotional clarity when understanding and going for what you want in life whether it’s your personal career goals, your relationships, and your health.
  2. Focus on Self-Improvement.
    • Nobody is perfect and we’re all not dealt with the best cards all the time whether it’s in the looks department, finances, and etc. Understand while you cannot change your height it’s important to take ownership of what you can change whether it’s going to the gym regularly, dressing better, doing things that interest you and make you happy, reading, traveling, and essentially investing in yourself.
  3. Have a life and purpose.
    • To build off on number two, it’s surprising to how a lot of men will drop whatever priorities or something that is important to them to entertain a girl they really like. The worst thing you can do is to stop growing and evolving as a person. Women love a man who lives with conviction and has a purpose in life. It doesn’t even matter what that purpose is but if it’s something like music for example or even fixing blenders, getting lost in your purpose and whatever your passion may be is a very attractive thing. Never stop being curious and pursuing your passions. Develop your life, go pursue the hobbies that interest you whether its salsa dancing or taking a cooking class, it’s important to have a life other than making her the center of your life.
  4. Don’t neglect your friends and family, hang out with other people.
    • She might not actually even be all that you make her out to be. Have other female friends, don’t neglect your bros, they were there way before she ever came into the picture and spend some time getting to know your family and strengthening those ties. Through a combination of hanging out with more people other than her and just putting yourself out there can open up more opportunities to meet other women that you’d most likely have better chemistry with.
  5. Don’t be afraid to flirt.
    • Society has created this social construct for men to hide their sexuality and attraction towards women. Never ever forget that if you want to move a relationship forward you have to develop some sexual tension between you and her. Don’t be afraid to be playful, tease her and reward her with some compliments (note I said “Reward”), and touching her. That doesn’t mean touching her boobs or grabbing her down below as Donald Trump would suggest. Touch her shoulder, her elbow, high five her, fist bump, and play with her hair. Imagine the times when you’d give your sisters and brothers noogies or mess up their hair, it’s the same concept.
  6. Make yourself scarce and create some competition.
    • Spend some time away from her and do less for them. Remember, it’s a give and take relationship and it’s important that she understands your boundaries and what you stand for. If she truly appreciates you, then your absence will make them miss you and want to be in your presence. The “scarcity principle” comes into play here, where people value what is rare or what they’ve lost. When you don’t make her your top priority, she’ll most likely feel that loss. As I mentioned before start making other female friends, it’s a bonus too if they’re really attractive. Competition and a little jealousy never really hurt anyone. People have a tendency to value more what they think they might lose or what they can’t have. If you’re busy with other people or hanging out with your new female friends, she might just start being a little more eager for your time and attention. If you don’t sense a hint of jealousy, move on.
  7. Give & Take.
    • Ask her to start doing things for you and get her to invest in the relationship a little bit more. It’s a bizarre phenomenon but people like you more when they do favors for you, rather when you do a favor for them. The more you get her to invest in the relationship, the more you’ll mean to her. Stop bending over backwards and doing her favors all the time, don’t be afraid to ask her for small things. Ask her for a ride, to workout with you, and run errands with you. But, don’t be a complete asshole and freeloader here. Reward her for good behavior, after they do something for you, remember to be appreciative and affectionate with her only when she does what you like. Reward good behavior, don’t reward bad behavior. Remember; treat her as your equal not above you or below you.

So there you have it, a comprehensive guide on the “friend zone” phenomenon, how to not get into the “friend zone” in the first place, and a constructive mindset and way on dealing with it.

‘Til Next Time,

-Rob Virges

 

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Rob Virges

Rob is a Craft of Charisma Senior Dating Coach

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