#AskCofCArticleDating Advice

Most Common Male Insecurities & Why You Shouldn’t Let That Define You

-by Rob Virges

Student: “Hey Rob, I’m 30 years old and I’m balding, do you think girls will think I’m too old?”

Rob: “You’re at your prime right now. You’ve got a great fashion sense, you’re in really good shape, and you have nicely trimmed stubble.”

Student: “Hey Rob, I’m in my mid-20s right now and my biggest anxiety is a girl wouldn’t want to have sex with me after we’ve kissed, I feel like she’ll run away after she’s seen how small my penis is.”

Rob: “If she kissed you already, has reciprocated your advances, and is comfortable with you, that is not likely, the size of your dong doesn’t matter, you’re putting too much unnecessary pressure on yourself for something that’s as natural as breathing, sex in real life is nothing like what you see on Pornhub.”

Student:”Hey Rob, I didn’t get that promotion at work today, women will never want to go out with me because I’m not making that 6 figure salary that I was supposed to get after being promoted.

Rob: “When I was in college I was broke as hell and yet I was still dating pretty girls. I’m building a business right now and I can’t always afford to go out for dinner yet I’m still dating pretty girls. My point is your self-worth shouldn’t be attached to your bank account, if she cares about your income you’re probably courting the wrong person.”

No matter who you meet in life, I will tell you one truth that is as true as the law of gravity, everyone has insecurities, it’s normal and it’s human. Some are better at managing it than others and the ones who are better at managing insecurities are perceived as being self-confident. It should come as no surprise that confidence is a big deal when it comes to success at dating, confidence after all, is sexy. The problem is however, confidence has been put on this pedestal as an unattainable thing or something that is as mythical as charisma, either you have it or don’t. I can tell you one thing, like anything, confidence can be learned and developed. It all boils down to understanding what you believe about yourself, breaking it down to the core, and actively challenging it. Nothing comes easy but with enough work and consistency it can be honed and developed.

As I’ve said everyone has insecurities and it’s a normal part of the human experience. Even after years of working on myself, challenging my self limiting beliefs, and overcoming a lot of those insecurities, I still have new ones that pop up that constantly challenge me to keep going and improving. Only difference now is that I can be transparent and acknowledge it to myself and the world around me, be okay with it, and actively work through it. I don’t let it consume me, define me or my character, and stop me from pushing forward and growing.

After a few years of coaching and helping men and even women overcome insecurities, I’ve come to realize that 90% of it is all mental, with 10% being physical. Confidence, especially how our modern age defines it can be hard to come by. There is a whole industry built on confidence-boosting and a quick fix solution to the problem of not having any. If you don’t believe me go to your local newsstand, turn on the TV, look on the corner where businesses advertise their products on your computer. Pay close attention, the advertising industry is built around tapping into some fundamental human need and insecurity and having that specific product pitched at overcoming that insecurity and being the solution to that specific problem. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying be cynical and skeptical of every product and everything you see on your computer, TV, or a magazine, what I’m saying is, just exercise some common sense, a little critical thinking, and curiosity.

For example, If I hadn’t stumbled upon the ad on Google for Craft of Charisma or had gone to the meetup.com lecture when it was still around a few years ago, I wouldn’t be writing this article as we speak and I’d still probably be consumed by my insecurities and never take proactive action towards improving myself or my situation in life.

My point is there are things that can help you out there if you do a little of the three things I had just mentioned as there are things out there pitched as bullshit magic pills, like the male enhancement pills you see behind the 7Eleven counter next to the condoms and cigarettes for example. Anyways, I didn’t mean to ramble there or turn this into an critical analysis of the advertising and marketing industry, I just wanted to make a clear point on how people deal with their insecurities and how there are multi-million dollar industries built on this natural human issue and experience.

After a few years of doing this, I’ve coached men from all walks of life, from your stereotypical tech oriented nerd to someone you probably wouldn’t expect to have any issues in terms of self-confidence and the dating game, a Men’s Health cover model, I can tell you men are more sensitive than what our current culture gives them credit for. For all the things written, pitched, and perceived as manliness and being macho and how men don’t worry about the same things that women do, the male ego as I’ve learned is pretty fragile. As men we may be able to endure the ball busting insults and friendly trash talking that is often part of male friendship, but there are certain areas that are just considered off-limits. They’re emotional generators of anxiety that wrecks a man’s self-esteem galvanizing him to spend hundreds if not thousands of dollars to sleazy salespeople that promise to fix the issue with their product. Case in point, the male enhancement pills you find behind the counter at your local convenience store.

Now, I’m going to list a few of the most common insecurities men have and offer constructive and seemingly common sense solutions on how to deal with it and overcome it. As I’ve always said to you in the past, it’s my job to be brutally honest and straightforward, don’t take anything personally and always remember to be objective with the advice I give. Before I dive into the most common insecurities men try to deal with and if you have any of these insecurities, please take this as constructive advice and apply it. Self-awareness is incredibly important if you’re trying to build your self-confidence. Take a good look at yourself in the mirror and acknowledge whatever you’re feeling insecure about. The first step to becoming confident is acknowledging whatever it is that’s holding you back, being okay with it, and taking ownership of it. What do I mean about taking ownership of it? I mean you should be okay with whatever it is you’re insecure about and if you can work on it and improve upon it, then actively work on improving upon it.

 

Most Common Male Insecurities:

  • Body/Physique
    • Being a former fat kid I can relate and empathize with men who have an insecurity regarding their body. With all the fitness magazines, advertisements of muscular men getting all the ladies, fat shaming, the unrealistic physical standard that Hollywood has instituted with their male leads, Instagram shots of guys with perfect washboard abs and chiseled physiques with equally physically appealing female counterparts by their side, it can be an intoxicating feeling getting that validation of being ogled at by women. The old adage goes as men are visual creatures whereas women are more emotionally stimulated and intellectually stimulated. But that’s not all true, we’re all attracted to these traits, women also like the visuals too. If you don’t believe me ask any girl how they feel about Magic Mike or if you’ve got enough cojones go to a male strip club and watch how the clientele react as the show starts. As men we’re always worried we’re too fat, too skinny, too hairy, too short, too tall, not lean enough, not muscular enough, too vascular, not vascular enough…you get the point. It’s crazy, go to your local gym, pay close attention to the gym rats, the meatheads, and guys spending so much time in front of the mirror to match that ideal. Women are doing the same thing too and it’s really both irrational yet, understandable as we all want to be accepted, loved, and admired to a certain extent.
    • Constructively Dealing With It:
      • I’m going to be brutally honest with you. For a very brief period in my life I made extra money keeping my shirt off and wearing a bow tie during my former days as a bartender. While it was nice at first being validated and objectified by women of all kinds from your middle-aged cougars to young bachelorettes at first, don’t get me wrong it was pretty funny but over time it got pretty damn uncomfortable getting groped constantly, having to talk like a phone sex operator all the time, and having women lick shots of vodka off my young & hairless 20 year old abs. It was nice being really lean and making money from that but I was completely miserable just living off of chicken, broccoli, egg whites, and water. These days I prefer to just be fit and still be able to eat cheeseburgers and pizza. I’m not as shredded as before but I’m okay with that. There really wasn’t much of a difference, women still want to date me and I’m pretty comfortable just being healthy. Most guys think women, especially really pretty women are only attracted to those ripped and yolked guys but the opposite is true. Women’s physical standards aren’t really that unrealistically high, it helps to be fit but its not the end all be all. I remember this time back in college and I was hanging out with one of my female friends. She’s really pretty and was part of one of the hottest sororities on campus and she told me her ideal guy was someone who had the build of Tony Soprano and had the same force of presence. At first I was surprised that she’d find big, chunky, hairy, and balding men to be attractive but taking a moment to think about it, it made sense. I dug a little deeper into it and she told me she was attracted to guys that reminded her of her father. If it wasn’t the physical traits, it was the personality that was the biggest selling and sticking point. This little tangent wasn’t meant to bash on fit people, but more or less, you don’t have to take it overboard and to the max unless that’s your career or you’re making a living off of it. Being in shape helps but its not the end all be all. The most important key takeaway here is, train to feel better. Exercise is a meditation and stress reliever in itself. Change your priorities and train yourself to be healthy and to feel good, we’re all not going to have perfect and chiseled physiques like the people you see on Men’s Health but if you feel healthy, look healthy, and feel comfortable with yourself that’s all that really matters. Emotions are contagious, if you feel good about yourself, she’s going to feel the same way. Accept who you are, don’t live to some bullshit ideal to look or feel attractive. Everyone is built differently, accepting your build for what it is while making an active effort to be “healthy” will do wonders for your self-esteem and confidence. Wear clothes that fit properly, groom yourself well, and most of all don’t do it to look good, do it to “feel” good!
  • Money
    • For ages men have tied their identity and self-worth as a “provider”, your ability to care for and financially provide for your mate and your family has been a measure of masculinity. As a result men place an unnecessary amount of importance on their material and financial wealth. Go watch or listen to mainstream music where the bulk of the story revolves around the importance of material wealth. Don’t get me wrong that doesn’t mean I’m saying drop everything in your life, give up all your worldly possessions, shave all the hair off your body, and embrace a life similar to a monk. But that doesn’t mean that money is the end all be all. If money was everything then you’re most likely attracting the wrong types of women, like a gold digger or someone whose values that doesn’t align with yours for example. I love money, I love the financial security it brings, the experiences it can buy, and the power it has to help my loved ones and people around me but you don’t have to be crazy rich to find love.
    • Constructively Dealing With It:
      • Don’t tie your self-worth or self esteem to money, I view money as an extension of my happiness and as a result of the hard work and hours I’ve put into acquiring it. Take a look around you, we just recovered from one of the harshest economic crisis since the great depression. We’re all trying to get by and live comfortably, any woman worth going out with and dating would understand that. If the girls you’re dealing with on a regular basis is looking at your bank account and not at your character or value as a person, you really ought to rethink what you’re looking for and quit dating shallow and materialistic women and look for quality women whose got their own thing and appreciate a man whose got more going for him than just the size of his wallet. Now don’t take that and use it as an excuse to be a lazy idiot just cause I said money wasn’t everything. If you’re doing badly with your finances because you’re lazy, irresponsible, and have no dreams or ambition that’s an incredibly unattractive trait no matter how much you’re making. Don’t use this as an excuse not to invest in yourself either, there are ways to look good in your clothes if you’re on a budget or groom yourself if you’re on a budget. Go do some research on Google and YouTube and also spend whatever extra income you have on classes or doing some form of self-improvement. Whether it’s buying books, learning a new skill that’ll get you out of your financial rut, or a class like the one’s we run to help you get out of your dating rut, remember to invest in your growth, not things that’ll mask your shortcomings.
      • Always remember romance is more than material wealth. It’s about adventure, fun, spontaneity, and a positive attitude. I’ve gotten plenty of dates along with plenty of action while being a broke ass college kid and now as a broke ass entrepreneur working towards a dream and bringing a vision to life. You can date without killing your wallet, I’ve had random and spontaneous dates ranging from a day at the beach, a spontaneous picnic in the park, running errands with a girl, sneaking into places, and cooking dinner with a girl at my place or at her place followed by Netflix and a bottle of wine I “borrowed” from a Christmas party I went to. Museums are also amazing places for dates that is pretty low cost and classy. Or you can go on Eventbrite or Meetup.com and find fun events that range from free to just a few dollars if you live in a major metropolitan area, my point is get creative. Don’t tie your confidence to your finances, as long as you’re working towards your dreams, ambition, and on yourself any woman worth your time will be won over by your confidence, personality, care, wit, humor, and charm.
  • Penis Size
    • I guess if you had a top 10 list of male insecurities, this would be at the top. The size, width, and shape of a man’s penis is probably the number one source of male insecurity and we’ve got commercials, ads, and male enhancement pills to prove it. Uncircumcised or circumcised, straight or curved, hairy or clean, every man has had the thought of how his manhood measures up and whether he’s normal or not. Penis size has been associated with sexual desirability. A man whose got a chode is just not a manly as a man who needs to put on magnums, If you’re not hung like a moose you’re doomed to a lifetime of shame, laughter, and the butt of every single joke from women whom you’ve never even slept with in the 1st place.
      • Constructively Dealing With It:
        • Listen I’m Asian and for the longest time we’ve been associated with being effeminate and being very simple people with very small penis. Case in point, it’s all a load of horse shit, I still go on dates with pretty girls and have plenty of fun, my former clients who were Asian have really attractive girlfriends. Anyhow, a wise man once told me, it’s not about the size of the ship, it’s all about the motion of the ocean. If you’re insecure about the size of your dong I’d recommend challenging that belief. I read in an article somewhere to prove to one of my classes that penis size doesn’t matter as much. The average length is somewhere around 5 Inches erected when measured from the base to 1.5 inches in diameter. Bigger doesn’t automatically equal better. The longer the penis is, the more likely the odds are that you’re going to end up bumping your partner’s cervix, which is not fun for her.
        • If you feel like you don’t measure up, there are things you can do to make it look bigger that doesn’t consist of a penis pump or penis enlargement surgery. Losing weight will make you look bigger as the pads of fat around it shrink and pull back. Manscaping helps, grab a trimmer or take it off, it’ll make it stand out and look larger. Or, the best thing you can do is accept what you’ve got, be happy that it works, and learn how to use it well. As I’ve said before it’s about the motion of the ocean. Many women out there aren’t all that into hung studs. They tend to think size is all that matters but lack the skill or finesse to make it fun and pleasurable. A man with a more modest dong is far more likely to use it properly. Two hands, a can-do attitude, and a little bit of kinkiness will be in higher demand than a hung stud that’s got no skull or finesse and treats it like an industrial drill creating an artificial cave as the end all be all of it.
  • Male Pattern Baldness
    • I can’t speak for balding men or people who have lost their hair as I was fortunately blessed with a thick mane (Thanks Grandpa!) but if it did fall out I would do one of two things. Completely own my baldness and go with a Statham or get a hair transplant. A lot of men put such importance on this and feels as if it’s a sign that their long past their youth. Male Pattern Baldness is incredibly common and if you think it’s a big deal, 1st go ask 100 women if they think it matters and I will tell you a lot of them most likely wont care.
    • How to Constructively Deal With It:
      • Case in point. Remember what I said about getting a Statham, I was referring to Jason Statham. That guy is the epitome of manliness and his partner Rosie Huntington-Whiteley is one of the most desired women to walk the face of this Earth. Bald is sexy, The best thing you can do as a man is not hide it with a smelly toupee or a poor ass comb over. Own that baldness and grow some stubble or a nicely trimmed beard.  You can’t fight genetics, but you can certainly fix and improve your lot. So forget about the Rogaine, the hair growth pills that is all a load of horse shit or if you can afford it, get a hair transplant.
  • Sexual Ability:
    • Sex causes an absurd level of anxiety in men who’ve never done it and have lead to performance anxiety and even in men who are experienced in the sack. We’re forever worried about when we should expect sex or whether we’re pushing too hard or not enough for it. We think and obsess with the amount of partners we’ve had or how we compare to our lover’s exes and the amount of partners she’s had. It gets even more insane and unrealistic when you throw porn into this already troublesome mix. Now we’re not just worried if we’re the best lover she’s ever had but men are worried about stupid things like whether to aim for her face, the volume of their ejaculate, and once again…penis size.
    • How to Constructively deal with it:
      • Listen, nobody’s asking you to paint a Warhol with your love juice and your cock as the brush. If you can do that well…you’re simply not human and I don’t mean that as a good thing. First things first, STOP WATCHING PORN! It’s okay to indulge once in a while as a harmless vice like your occasional drink, occasional cigarette, or blunt if you smoke marijuana. But my point is porn is nothing like the real thing. It’s exaggerated, it’s uncomfortable sustaining those ridiculous positions, and is completely unrealistic. Basing your ideas and expectations on sex from porn is a bad mistake. Remember each woman is different, with different tastes, and different kinks. Want to know how to make it fun for both of you and memorable for her. Just ask her what she likes, pay attention to her signals, and respond accordingly. Sex is supposed to be fun and awesome for everyone, this isn’t the Super Bowl or a UFC Title Fight, it’s sex and it’s as natural a eating and breathing.

Accept who you are, challenge your beliefs, grow, change, and evolve. Everyone has insecurities, both men and women. It’s a normal part of the human experience but always remember you can make your lot better and be proactive in challenging it, don’t let it consume you or define your character or your identity at the core and heart of it all.

 

‘Til next time….Take care for now, we’re always here for you guys!

 

-Rob Virges

 

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Rob Virges

Rob Virges

Hello I'm Rob and welcome to our website! I am a Craft of Charisma Senior Dating Coach & here's a little bit about myself: In the last few years I've been coaching men in the art of connecting and finding love, I can tell you I've been called "an asshole with a heart". Just like other men who've been trying to figure out the dating game, I used to be a really socially awkward and an angsty person. I'm a former Dating Mastery Program alumni and apprentice whose been coaching for Craft of Charisma for the last four years. These days I'm confident, brutally honest, and pretty quirky. I'm not a creepy pickup artist. I'm a normal guy whose pretty good & comfortable with women. My job is simple, to motivate you, to help you become the best version of yourself, find love, and help you end your loneliness. But anyways welcome to Craft of Charisma, The #1 company for teaching people to connect, to love, and to nurture healthy relationships that last a lifetime. Let us know how we can help you! -Rob Virges

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