MikeParticipantSeptember 15, 2014 at 1:42 am #2566
Day 1 (Friday)
In the lecture before we went out, Chris explained how to seduce a woman, and broke the process down into simple and easy to understand steps. The best takeaway for me was gaining clarity on what to do if an interaction starts to die. It basically comes down to 4 options: change the social dynamics, move the girl, use touch, or invoke emotions. The content was great, but after 3 1/2 hours of lecture, I was feeling a little drained and low on energy.
Afterwards we headed in-field to The Standard Beer Garden. I was feeling pretty anxious, since I hadn’t been out in the nightlife scene in a few weeks, and was feeling some extra pressure being on the program rather than just being out chilling with friends. I usually go out to nightclubs where it’s easy to blend in, so going to the Beer Garden brought out some of my insecurities. It’s well-lit, with no music playing, and there’s a lot of benches for sitting, and open space, so I felt very self-conscious. I rarely drink alcohol anymore when I go out, so I also felt kind of silly walking around the Beer Garden without a beer in my hand. Consciously, I know it doesn’t matter, but sometimes in the moment it’s hard to kick the worry.
I approached several sets in the 2 hours we were there, and they generally got better as the night went on. The first few sets didn’t go well at all… My energy was low, and my conversation flow was really off. The conversations were awkward and start-stop, so I ejected after a few minutes. Chris pointed out that I wasn’t moving enough or taking up enough space… My arms were tense and at my sides most of the time, and I wasn’t touching or invoking any emotions in the girls, so they were losing interest quickly.
The next girl in a group of 3 I approached was really receptive. She turned towards me after I introduced myself, and we started talking. The flow felt better than the last 2 conversations, but I was still running out of things to say. I was pensive and didn’t escalate physically, partly because I wasn’t sure if I wanted to go further with her. At one point her friend came over and she said she would go back to them in a few minutes. But the conversation started to die and she ejected.
I think I opened about 4 more sets that night. I spoke with a little more energy and used my hands a bit more, so the conversations went better. I approached a group of 2 and was interested in one of the girls… At one point I had her laughing and she was pretty engaged, but I didn’t know how to escalate with her friend next to her, so I left after a few minutes.
The last group of 2 I approached was interesting… The cuter of the 2 was really receptive, and our conversation got into a good flow, talking about things to do in the city, nightlife, etc. Amet came in and I shifted to the other girl, who seemed less friendly. I was speaking with more energy, moving more, and touching her arm occasionally, but she wasn’t reciprocating. At one point I mentioned ping-pong, and she perked up, but when I suggested we go to the ping-pong tables on the other side of the bar, she said she had to stay with her friend. After a while I started getting pretty bored with the conversation, but I stayed in because Amet was having a good conversation with the other girl. In this case I think the one I was speaking with just wasn’t that friendly.
Day 2 (Saturday)
In lecture we went over some things from the previous night, and then got into the topic of story telling. After that we did some practice drills with opening with an opinion and personal narrative.
Afterwards we headed in-field with the Mastery Class. A few of the guys had met 4 girls with a bachelorette party on the Gansevoort line, but we couldn’t get in, so they came along with us to a hotel bar a few blocks up. There weren’t many other girls to approach at the bar, so I spoke with a couple of the girls that came along with us. I wasn’t interested, and at least one girl was much older and married, but it was better to talk with them rather than stand around doing nothing.
We stayed there around an hour, but the crowd didn’t pick up so we moved to The Glo. It was much louder, but not that crowded. I approached a group of 2, but they could barely hear what I was saying. I was about to bring Rohail in to wing me, but the girls left. For some reason I thought it was better to wait a few minutes to bring a wing in, but I waited too long in this case.
Peter and Evan joined 2 girls sitting at a table, and then the rest of us bounced over to The Penny Farthing in the East Village. This place was good… Packed and with a lot of hot girls. I hadn’t approached much the whole night, so I was still feeling nervous and tight. Rohail opened a group of 3 girls, and I came in after a few minutes. All 3 were super attractive, and they seemed friendly. I was speaking with one girl for several minutes, and it was going pretty well, but I had to keep leaning in because it was so loud. I used touch a lot more this time, starting with the arm and then the upper back, but I couldn’t tell if she was attracted so I was pensive about trying to escalate further.
Her friend came back in the group after a while, and then she said they were going to get a drink. I may have screwed up here, because I think she actually asked if I wanted to get a drink with them, but I declined because I wasn’t drinking, and didn’t want to end up paying for their drinks. She said they would be back, so I went around and opened a few other sets. I was having a pretty good conversation with a tall brunette, but she had to leave to wash her hands. I went back to where Rohail was, and he was still talking with the same girl, but her 2 friends weren’t back.
I walked around and approached a couple more sets. Both were pretty bitchy, but I think it was a combination of poor body language and them not being able to hear me. At this point I was getting in a really bad mood, and I thought Chris and Amet had left by this point, so I headed home.
It was good to get back out there, but I still need a lot of work. I’m having trouble with this paradox of getting burnt out if I go out consistently, but then having my social skills fall off if I take a break from going out. Another issue I have is that my desire actually drops off when I don’t go out for a while… I guess I got so used to not being around girls for so many years that when I take a break, I fall back into that old mindset. The first night, my desire definitely wasn’t there, so I wasn’t even putting much energy into my interactions, but I felt it coming back the second night.EvanParticipantSeptember 18, 2014 at 9:05 pm #2614
As far as gaining experience and learning goes, it sounds like the weekend was pretty successful. I definitely know what you mean about the beer garden being a little anxiety inducing. From your post, it sounds like your biggest problem is getting stuck in your own head and dealing w/ insecurities.
High energy is not only attractive, it also gets you out of your own head and in the present. I’ve found that when I’m in a really excited mindset to the point that I’m jumping around a bit, I don’t run out of things to say. There’s sort of two extremes in mindset that I switch between. When I think about the ways a girl could judge me I get stuck in my own head, run of things to say and generally do awkward unattractive shit. When I’m thinking about how awesome it would be to sleep with the girl that I’m approaching, I get excited and in the moment.
Another thing that really helped me get out of my own head was the realization that the content of what I said was really towards the bottom of things that matter in terms of generating attraction. All the things you need to do to be attractive (touching, being assertive/dominant, being animated) require really little thought. You don’t need to say stuff that will blow the girls mind, and in fact trying to do so will often ruin you — I’ve had dates before (pre taking the class) where I planned out topics of conversation beforehand, talked the whole time about content that I thought was really interesting and made me seem really smart and cultured, only to not have the girl text me back. Because I was thinking so much about what I was going to saying, I would miss signals that the girl sent about how engaged she was.
As you keep going out, you’ll gradually get better reactions and this will bring the reciprocal process of 1) making going out be more fun, so you won’t feel burnt out and 2) slowly shifting your expectations of the types of reactions you expect when you’re in interactions.
I had a slight moment of clarity this weekend (when I was sitting at the table talking w/ peter and the 2 girls) where I actually caught myself in the process of thinking the girls we were talking to to want us to go away and realizing 1) that there was no real evidence supporting that they were annoyed with us approaching them and 2) that my expectation that we were bothering them was leading to all sorts of non-masculine unattractive behaviors (e.g. not touching them, asking if they wanted to move, but doing so in a super passive way). This self doubt also leads to filtering the things you say and becoming self conscious – so that you’re in your own head and not flowing in a conversation.
Anyway, changing your expectations occurs slowly. 10 weeks in and I’m really just noticing it happening now.
Remember to not beat yourself up. So long as you’re pushing the boundary of what is comfortable for you, you’re learning and succeeding. The only failure is not going out and not taking chances. This really does become fun.
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