EvanParticipantJuly 15, 2014 at 5:06 am #2039
Sorry this took so long to get up. Also, this wound up being really long – there’s a lot here from the class itself. Writing this was a good opportunity to reflect on everything we went over and think through the lessons. There’s also a few notes to myself. Feel free to skip to the infield section.
The night started off at ripley grier studios. After introducing ourselves to hector and discussing our goals for a bit, Chris came in and said that we were mostly going to discuss concepts relating to body language and space.
Each of us first took a turn walking around in a circle around the group. As we walked, Chris asked the group a question about the person walking and the group answered it based on first impressions.
People correctly guessed that I used an android phone, mac and linux computers, that the last girl i dated i met through the internet, that she was a student etc…
People also thought that I read mostly technical sciency books. I think the group was fairly biased in their answers by already knowing that I was a grad student in science. However, the main take away for me was that at that point in time, nothing about my body language / gestures was in any way deviating from what would be expected by a nerdy intellectual. So, adding depth/ a layer of coolness/swagger/confidence to my walk is definatlely something to aim for to avoid being stereotyped in that way upon first impressions.
We then did a “most confident man” exercise. Here, we walked around the room and introduced ourselves to each other first imitating how a generally fearful person who lacked confidence would walk around – presumably without attention paid to body language this may be a default right now. This consists of keeping the head down, hunched over, taking up little space, making tight fidgety movements, and speaking very softly.
Confidence in turn, is defined by taking up lots of space, keeping the head up, chest out, moving arms fully, conveying movements with directness and purpose. Useful for me to imagine how Obama walks. A big point for me was to relax my shoulders. Until this was pointed out, I didn’t realize how tight they were. Upon explicitly relaxing them, I instantly felt a lot more comfortable. Also important is speaking loudly and especially speaking from the chest/stomach – as opposed to generating sound from the throat/mouth. Lastly important is having a smile and generally being in a happy/optimistic/high-energy state. A strategy for this is to imagine that you just did something really awesome (more specific than this though : p ). Sure enough it immediately led to an uncontrollable smile and good positive state.
The next exercise was in introducing ourselves to strangers. We took turns role playing walking up to someone. Key points here:
Take large step forward with the right foot, reach right hand out, as you shake hands step forward w/ left foot slightly in front of the right foot, put left hand on shoulder, then pivot right foot around so that you are standing parallel to them. As you do this say “Hi, I’m Evan, and you are … “. Introducing yourself with these words expresses lots of confidence. Hand on should puts you in good position to slide it down their arm. Stepping toward them puts you in their personal space, and then standing parallel to them immediately takes you out of it. Thus, you can continue conversation, standing in a totally non-threatening manner, but still conveying that you have enough confidence to move into and out of personal space. Last point is to maintain eye contact through the interaction.
Next exercise was in mirroring stance. When you’re speaking to someone you should mirror their relative angle towards you. If you are standing straight on toward them and they are standing away, this conveys that they have more value in the conversation – it’s good to go for equal value. If during conversation, person starts to turn from you simple trick is to while you turn away, mirroring them, to tap them on the shoulder – this subtly draws their attention back towards you.
Last exercise was to sway into and out of personal space, but keeping feet pivoted in position the whole time. Moving into and out of this space is important for demonstrating confidence/alpha stuff – but you don’t want to be fidgety/too explicit while you do it.
With that, we went in field at 230 fifth. Coaches said there were low expectations for the night. Simply to practice confident body language as described above, and for them to get a feel for where we were at. We probably approached about 8 sets in total. But I actually can’t remember the details of most of them – next time out in field, I’ll bring a tiny note book so I can jot down things just to jog my memory later on.
First group I approached was 2 cute asian girls. I didn’t have any opener – just went straight for the “Hi, I’m Evan, and you are…”. They are mildly surprised at confident approach, but pretty receptive. When I approached I noticed they were speaking another language. I asked where they were from. They were Chinese – good news, I spent a month in Beijing and Shanghai, so we had something to talk about. We chatted for a bit. I had decent body language, but totally forgot to touch at all. Still the girl seems interested. Jimmy comes in, meets them. Gradually it breaks off – we get the phone number and I return to group. I’m actually shocked at how well it went. I think most the times when I approach in the past, unless I’m hammered, it’s done with such little confidence that it creates an uncomfortable situation. Just projecting confidence goes so far in making girls comfortable. Chris says that the girl liked me and if I knew what I was doing I could have kissed her. Thing to do would have been to 1) Touch more and 2) Move her. Also, we wound up cornering her against a wall the whole conversation. This is non-ideal as the much smaller girl can feel trapped. It’s better to move her so that your back is to the wall.
We also learned a good way to enter group as a wingman. Just go up to friend who’d initiated conversation and say “Hey, have you seen Chris (or any friend your with)” The wingman can then say “yeah, he’s that way” Then, if it’s a good time for you to enter he can say “Hey, I want you to meet girl1 and girl2, they’re really cool – well actually I’m not sure about this one (directed towards the one you’re most interested in)” This works fairly well, although I noticed at least one set of girls looked at each other and giggled a bit when we did this – which I think either means they were onto this being a prepared bit and thought it was funny, or they were interested.
A few sets later, we notice a group of girls on a bachelorette party – they’re were all wearing hats and clearly at the bar to party. Chris told me to go in, and ask, “What the occasion?” Then pretend to take one of the girls hats off and say “I’m taking this”. Crucial here is to go in with high energy (to match their party mood). I immediately do this. They said it’s a bachelorette party. Girl who’s hat I try to take blocks me, but in a playful manner. The receptiveness to this approach is also really positive. Two of the girls (slightly older, not as attractive) are saying things like “will you marry me right now”. I fumble a bit at this, but say “yes” and that we should go to Vegas. They slowly drift off. I wind up talking to younger cute goth looking girl at bar for a bit. Simple – where are you from? I’m touching a bit more now. She has braces, and I get slightly nervous about her age. But it comes up that she just turned 21. We talk more about partying etc, her going to vegas for her 21st birthday party. She says she went with her dad and her best friend who, up until that point, had only communicated with her on myspace for 4 years. I think this is sufficiently weird, say it was nice meeting but I should go back to my friends. Upon telling Chris why I left the set though, I immediately felt bad about this, and wonder if I had just made up an excuse to leave because it was going well. From now on, plan is to stay in sets longer, not make excuses/or quick judgements about people – after all, having a longer conversation/trying to kiss at a bar is not a commitment to hang out again/form a longer lasting relationship.
One last positive set to write about. I’m at the bar getting water. There’s two cute girls next to me, I see on her phone that she has a picture of a dog. I tell her that her dog is really cute. She responds really positively, saying that she loves to cuddle with it. I introduce myself (same as before) – notice the accent and ask where they are from. Turns out they’re from Australia and they’re only in New York for 2 days. Here I’m doing more to move around – and am able to position myself parallel to them w/ my back to the bar. Jimmy comes in, I do the “they’re really cool, actually not sure about this one”, and she totally smiles and complains playfully to that. We talk longer. I try to get one of them to move, but she doesn’t want to leave her friend. I’m touching more on the shoulder – but actually this is done a little awkwardly. Go for sliding down the shoulder to grasp the hand – this is resisted, so I back up a little bit in space. Eventually we get both of them to move to a different spot in the bar. I think this could be done with more grace. At first I was just saying, “Hey lets go over here” w/o a reason. Later I went, “Lets go over here b/c it’s too crowded right here,” and that seemed to work. We talk more, move back to the bar b/c one of them wants another drink. They say they have to go to the bathroom. I ask for the phone number so we could possibly meet up later, – they said they don’t have phones in the US, but that they would add me as a Facebook friend (which they accepted later, so probably not b.s.). This was probably the best approach of the night.
Those are the ones I remember in detail. We approached about 8 sets in the night – at least 2 turned into phone numbers, some probably could have gone further. Almost all turned into conversations. I only got a “fuck off” sort of response from one group of 4 women, really which I think I failed to engage w/ my introduction. It didn’t bring me down though.
One funny thing to note is that there was one set where I was really practicing my swaying into and out of personal space and also moving back and forth, but I was clumsy with it, and the girl asked me if I was wasted despite me being completely sober : ). I think it’s a good learning experience to find where the ceiling on this is though.
There’s tons of things to improve on – obviously conversations, opening groups, touching in a smoother manner and moving the girl through the bar.
Overall though, I had a great time and am super optimistic about the rest of the course.Christopher LunaModeratorJuly 15, 2014 at 2:33 pm #2051
Great job! This process of writing down your experiences in detail is going to be helpful with your development for a number of reasons. First, it will help you to become aware and process your experiences beyond the arbitrary way we “all” might normally. Developmentally, there is a process we go through that goes something like this:
Stage 1. Lost – I don’t know what I’m doing right, nor wrong, so that when I’m successful, I can’t repeat the process, and when I fail, I’m unable to make corrections nor adjustments that will lead to a better result. This is the state of most men and their dating life. It’s also why when men say, “I got lucky last night,” it’s true.
Stage 2. Awareness – I’ve become aware of what I’m doing right and wrong, but I have no control over the outcome. When I make connections between ideas and my behavior, it’s usually experienced as a realization after the fact.
Stage 3. Control – I was able to think about what I wanted to do, and I was able to do it, and to get a desired result or outcome. This stage is usually inconsistent, but it’s the beginning of a massive shift in which a man begins to shape and define is destiny.
Stage 4. Mastery – I’m aware of what’s happening, I can make adjustments in real time, and I consistently get a desired result or outcome.
Mastery, as defined above, is the name and goal of this program. No man has the ability to attract and seduce any woman, but they do have the ability to define their dating destiny by developing their social, dating and sexual skill sets in a way that will allow them to pursue the things that they want, get them consistently, and to be aware, understand, and to make adjustments that will lead to more success when they don’t.
Second, you’ll be able to see your growth. During this journey you’ve begun, you’ll overcome challenges, only to face new sets of obstacles. In the face of these new obstacles, it will be easy to forget how far you’ve come. Every once in a while you might get lucky, and run into an old friend who will remark on how much you’ve changed. But by documenting this journey, you’ll always be able to look back and see snap shots of yourself during the phases of your development.
As a side, sometimes I’ll find a box in the garage filled with notes or essays that I wrote while in grade school. Documents that I didn’t know existed. I’m always amazed when I discover and read these creations. Often, I’m emotionally taken back to the exact moment in my life when I wrote them, immediately aware of how I felt and thought in that moment of my life. I’m always astonished at how far I’ve come.
My instinct is that years from now, if you ever stumble back on these diaries, you’ll be amazed at how far you’ve grown.
Evan, Wonderful start! I look forward to our next session 🙂
You must be logged in to reply to this topic.