EvanParticipantJuly 28, 2014 at 11:41 pm #2252
This was another week of solid progress.
Class was mostly drilling the approach down which was worthwhile.
We also discussed wing-manning a bit more and how when a wing man enters to use body language and touching to isolate the girls.
We went infield to Gansevoort. We got there early and had to wait a bit for people to show up. I was working with Rob through the first part of the night. Rob is awesome and gave me some great advice. He made a big point of just taking the first few sets to build social calibration and momentum. He demonstrated this by going up to some girls and asking if they were ninja’s because they were wearing all black. My first set was two girls who were sitting by a pool. I went up to them and said “you two look gorgeous
, how’s your night going” and sat down, maintaining pretty good body language. We chatted for a bit about where they were from. At some point I went into the opener of ‘would you ever pay for a guy on a date’. This was pretty successful at generating some conversation. I managed to get the girl I was interested, in turned away from her friend. Rob came in and talked to the other girl. At one point the girl I was talking to asked if we go and hit on girls often at bars. I answered honestly and said that it was something I had started doing more recently. Shortly after the girl I was talking to mentioned that she had a boyfriend in California. She didn’t say it in a ‘go away’ sort of way, more just matter of factly. Still, it threw me off a bit. I then asked if she would go wingman me later in the night inside. She said she might be down and that I should find them later – unfortunately I didn’t run into them again.
Through the first few sets, key comments from Rob were that I needed to loosen up and make larger facial expressions – that my face seems tight. So, I’ll have to work on that this week and find some exercises for making more expressive facial movements.
Throughout the night I approached a lot of sets – It was definitely the most I’ve ever approached in a night. I think the best part of the night is that approaching is becoming less and less of a big deal. As rob said, I think I’m begining to develop a social callous. Right now, how the approaches actually go is really inconsistent. Most have been leading to a short conversation. For about 2 I actually was moving the girl around the bar. For a few others I was totally blown out – in general though, I felt like gansworth is a bit of a less friendly place – a lot of girls are super dressed up and riding on their high horse a bit. I fell short of actually getting to the point of getting a phone number in the night, although I probably could have pushed for it in a few sets. I think where I’m getting stuck is mostly in conversations. Pauses and looking around lead to breaks in rapport. But, I also might be ejecting out of sets prematurely. I think next week, I might do more of a ‘burn it to the ground’ approach where I try to stay in more through awkward moments and wait for the girl to either leave or tell me to go away.
I think I’m gradually getting better at touching as well. This time it felt more natural. I’m also doing it more with purposefully. A week ago, I would do the opener and go for high fives and occasionally get rejected. I think this has to do with energy – if you feel weird going for a high five or a touch, the girl feels weird on the receiving end. But, if you do it with the confidence that “of course this person will return my high five” than they detect that and they do. I’m also timing what I say more naturally with points I’m making in conversation and using it to connect. In fact, I think this is something of an implicit misconception I’ve had about touch/kino in general. The point isn’t to be just increasing the amount of time you’re in contact with the girl, but rather to connect in specific moments and get used to touching as a form of connecting.
Although I’m getting better at this, I’m still not doing this enough, and I think next week I’m going to try to do it a bit over the top to find the ceiling. I realized that I’m still not touching and moving enough after seeing hector approach a girl at the end of the night.
I would actually say the main positive thing from the night is that I am feeling less panicked in sets – that is there’s less anxiety while i’m in them. I think this reduced anxiety is opening up more cognitive resources for me to actually notice and attend to what I am doing – be it right or wrong. So, I guess I feel like I am definitely transitioning into phase 2 of the learning stages where I can often tell what I’m doing wrong shortly after doing it – so this gives me a lot of confidence that I am progressing.
I’ll quickly describe two of my most positive sets. One was when I went down stairs. I saw 4 girls waiting for the elevator. I went up to them and did the opener – with lots of touching and high fives. I found out it was one of the girls birthdays and I gave her a big hug. I then said we should go upstairs to the window and I actually took her by the hand and led her up. I was touching a lot by the window but at some point, but I think the conversation went a bit dull. I think what went wrong was that I was doing too much talking and not asking more open ended questions. I was telling stories and trying to think of more things to say when I should have been shifting the burden towards her with more open ended questions. She turned back towards her friends for a bit (not walking away, but just not facing me) which I took as a bad sign so I said I needed to find my friends and asked her for her phone number so we could reconnect later in the night. She said she ‘wasn’t giving her phone number out tonight, but that she would be around and I could find them’. I took this as a bad sign and just left. I’m pretty sure that I once read somewhere (or maybe heard on Chris’s podcast) that you want to ask for the number at a high point in the interaction when she’s laughing or in a good mood and i’m pretty sure that I directly violated that principle here. Still, moving her up the stairs and isolating her by the window was pretty cool.
One of my other best sets came from actually reopening an earlier set – although purely with the intention of getting to talk to this other girl with legitimately really awesome style, who i didn’t get to meet yet. I went up to two girls I had previously talked to, said hi again and then said ‘hey introduce me to your friend’. This was a little awkward – it probably would have been better to just say hi to them and then introduce myself to the friend. After being introduced I say the ‘hi I love you’re style., do you do something creative?’ which i heard from chris on night 1. She was actually a special ed councilor, but said she originally wanted to go into fashion stuff. I touched a lot, peter came in and winged and i managed to actually do the thing where I pulled her away from her friends. I kept talking to her until these other girls (actually the sorority ones discussed below) came up to me and asked if I could take their picure – to which I thought I would instantly move them by doing ‘the lighting’ thing. This was actually sort of dumb because I said to the girl who I actually liked a lot (‘i’ll be write back’) but then wound up talking to these girls who I actually didn’t like at all (although they were pretty hot – see below) for a few minutes. Unfortunately I didn’t run into this really cool girl again in the night because this was right around when the bar became utterly packed.
Still, all around a great night. It was awesome to see how good Rob was at this given that he took the program a year ago. Also saw Peter move a girl and make out with her which was awesome.
I think I said this before – but I need to work on touching more still, moving more (although these are definitely getting better) – keeping conversations open with the girl talking so there’s not breaks in rapport – and also staying in sets longer and generally trying to push interactions further now that my feet are wet.
Stray observations on the night (not really class related but I want to remember this):
1)Some girls are awful people.
There was one set where I was talking to these 3 girls about their sorority and they mentioned they were banned from campus. I asked why and the girl replied something like ‘because this bitch couldn’t handle out hazing’ to which I though ‘oh god, what did you do to her’. It’s a serious question whether or not to continue the interaction here. On one hand gaining experience talking to hot girls is good. On the other hand, this was sure-fire someone I would never hang out with.
2) Some guys are also awful as well.
A lot of guys are so clearly super insecure with girls (presumably friends) they go to these bars/clubs with. Tonight was probably the first time I’ve gotten some generally super weird macho/alpha behavior from other guys. Stuff like a guy coming right up to me after talking to a girl he was there with (part of a large group) being like ‘hey man — how’s it going’ – but in a way where he sticks his chest out and gets super close trying do demonstrate in a weird way that he’s bigger. Also, other stuff clearly intended to shame me and make me seem weird for approaching. Another guy interrupted a conversation I was having with this girl by just saying loudly ‘so… you think my wife’s dress is pretty?’ – with a clear ‘fuck off’ attitude. Obviously I left – not trying to hit on married women – , but it makes you wonder why people like that even go out – maybe he gets an ego boost from seeing his wife hit on and then telling guys to go away who do it for too long – doesn’t seem like the healthiest marriage strategy though.
3) Less attractive girls are often super friendly and excited when you approach them.
I guess maybe this isn’t so surprising, but at the beginning of the night there weren’t many people at the bar, so I wound up talking to these two girls who were a bit larger. They were just insanely friendly and generally happy that I was approaching. The positive feedback wound up being a great way to build momentum and get in a good mood for more approaching.
4) A lot of times the opener seems to not matter so much so long as energy is good.
At the end of the night, I wound up at union pool in williamsburg with a friend – I was more just trying to have fun at this point. Side note – this venue is amazing – just an utterly insane number of hot, sort of hip, pretty smart girls. I thought I heard a group of 3 girls say the word ‘cylon’ so I jumped in and asked if they were talking about battlestar galactica. They weren’t at which point I thought, ‘oh shit – this isn’t going to go well’. I acknowledged the complete nerdiness of the opener, quickly moved past it and then we were talking about something else, and it wound up being a really solid interaction — unfortunately one of their friends came up and pretended to fall asleep on one of them, demanding that they all leave, but it actually was going well up till then. Definitely didn’t regret the opener either because you know- you’ve got to take a chance that that really hot girl might coincidentally share some of the same nerdy interests you do.
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