mdotParticipantJune 15, 2015 at 2:02 pm #3647
I’ve learned a lot the last 5 weeks. I’m realizing my biggest challenges are approaching and escalation. I have gotten some positive results, and excited to continue to challenge myself to improve and get great at both points.
My saturday went pretty good. My first date was a bit flaky as she said she didn’t sleep well because of the sun coming in her room, we met for brunch, that went well. After I wanted to do an activity together, I tried going to the park, etc. but didn’t receive much feedback from her. We sat on some benches and hung out and eventually ended up in my place, we had some fun, but it felt like I was pushing it along the entire time which I did not like. She said she wasn’t feeling well, she left, and I followed up later and got a vague response. I called her sunday being worried and she said “at work” “don’t feel well” I told her to feel better, and call if she wanted to speak. I’m not so invested in this so I’m okay with whatever the outcome, but unclear as to what wen’t wrong things were going well between us and seemed to be progressing nicely. If I don’t hear from her I guess I”ll drop it.
2nd date was a lot easier and went well. We had a fun time and she was super cool and flowed a lot easier. She left at night and we’ve been in touch.
Sunday morning I went to soul cycle and before class saw this awesome colombian girl waiting in line. I struck up a conversation with her. I was thinking about asking her out after class. She came over to me in the locker room asking me how class was, and saying she was going to freshen up and grab a smoothie, I took the opportunity and said I knew a good place.
We went for a smoothie and walked to the park and hung out for a few hours. She mentioned wanting to see me again, and invited me back to soul cycle for a wend afternoon rap class. I told her I probably wouldn’t be able to wing it because I work during the day (she’s an actress). I followed up later in the day asking her to dinner and she responded “possibly” I asked her what that meant and she said her god mother is in the hospital and she spends most evenings with her and asked about breakfast or lunch date. Those times seem a little strange and less intimate, I’m not sure if I should wait for a dinner date, or if i should take the opportunity to meet with her for a day date. I feel like its harder to escalate at lunch, or after a soul cycle class.
Would be interested in hearing thoughts on what to do about the first girl, should I drop it and see if she follows up. I already did my part. secondly, what do about the day date problem.
MChristopher LunaModeratorJune 17, 2015 at 3:14 pm #3653
As to your first situation, you wrote that, “She said she didn’t sleep well because of the sun was coming in her room.” Most people sleep at night when it’s dark. So, if the sun was out while she was sleeping, does that mean she was out late and got up earlier than she wanted to? And if so, did you ask her what she did the night before? I’m interested in the cause, was she working late, partying (and now nursing a hangover), on another date, or a night owl who sleeps in most mornings. Also, what happened at your place, did you end up having sex with her? Finally, is this the Asian girl that you mentioned that you slept with, or another girl? Based upon these answers I’ll have additional thoughts.
In regard to your second date, that’s great! As to Soul Cycle, I recommend that you agree to meet her for lunch or breakfast.
Generally, men like scheduling dates at night, because they feel like there are less obstacles to having sex with a woman. The logic is sound in many cases. The man meets the woman for dinner or a couple drinks, maybe both. After, he suggests having a drink at another cool spot around the corner, that just happens to be near his (or her) place. At the “cool spot” he kisses her, which is easier to do after both people have had a drink of two. After another couple drinks, and a bit of foreplay, he invites her back. Inviting her back makes sense, because the odds are that neither party has anywhere they “really” have to be until work the next morning. And on a Friday or Saturday night, there is a good chance that both people either have the weekend off, or the ability to come into work late the next day. Knowing this, makes staying out late, not having a change of clothes, and the prospect of a hangover, easier tradeoffs.
When you’re dating a woman who works a 9 to 5, and she doesn’t have a family, this script is fairly effective. So effective, that it’s a bit cliche. Another reason night dates are common is that men think it’s easier to have sex with a woman when it’s dark. When you’re living with a woman, there is an element of convenience in this. Regardless of whatever else you both had to do during the day, you’ll need to sleep at some point. And most people sleep when it’s dark. So that puts both people in the same place at the same time, in the right Circumstance (Alone + and in a Private Area) to create Intimacy (based upon how we define Intimacy at Craft of Charisma, through specific combinations of Touch + Emotions). When a man knows how to create Intimacy with a women it leads to sexual arousal.
For people who are early in a relationship, there is another obvious benefit to scheduling night dates. And that benefit is related to body issues. A lot of people feel insecure about their body. For a man, he might feel insecure about the size of his penis. For a woman it might be an insecurity with the size and shape of her breasts. Regardless of the root of the anxiety, the first time a person is naked in-front of someone new, their insecurities about their body can feel magnified. I know from conversations with Craft of Charisma clients (male and female) that these insecurities can lead to performance issues. Having sex in the dark helps people to deal with these insecurities.
With all of this said, most of it is bullshit. If you create the right emotional connection with a woman, she’s going to want to have sex with you. And if you don’t create the right emotional connection with her, she won’t. It doesn’t matter if it’s day or night. She is sober. Or she has to work the next day. As I say frequently in the Dating Mastery Program, seduction is a game which involves solving a very specific set of problems. The biggest problem is how do you get a woman to feel the right combination of emotions (attraction, comfort, and sexual tension) when she’s around you. If you can do this correctly, everything else will work itself out. And in the case of Soul Cycle, if she’s trying to create opportunities to see you, you may already have, or be well on your way, to creating that “right” emotional connection.
Soul Cycle is a great example of a woman who is on an alternative schedule. These women often include; college students, actresses, models, entrepreneurs, freelancers, socialites, and even some women (often the same women as the previous list) who work in the restaurant and bar scene. When I’m referring to alternative schedule, I mean that they don’t work an average American work schedule of 9am to 5pm, Monday to Friday. Often their schedules are quarky. I once dated a runway model who made side money walking another runway model’s dog twice a day. Regardless of whatever we were doing, at specific times during the day, she had go across town to walk her friend’s dog. She wouldn’t stop doing it because the income was consistent. And modeling, even at the highest level, isn’t. For her, the guaranteed money was a security blanket.
My point is that when you’re trying to date a woman who is on an alternative schedule, although something like a date during the day might be out of the ordinary for you, it’s not for her. If you can make it work with your schedule, you’ll find that the relationship will grow from the two of you “just hanging out” and doing everyday life activities. In a lot of ways, these type of relationships will feel more organic as they develop, than the relationships that you’re probably accustomed to. Unfortunately, as adults, we often find ourselves in a traditional work schedule, where we don’t get to experience many relationships like this. Instead, we’re forced to plan all of our intimate experiences, and fit them into traditional activities like dinner and drinks. I’ve lived and dated on both sides of this scheduling divide, and honestly, I prefer the later.
I’ll give you a personal example to try to make this point. I’ve been with my current girlfriend Cece, for about 16 months. We met through Tinder, so our first date was the first time that we ever really met. Most of our messaging on Tinder involved coordinating a time and place to meet, so it was basically a blind date. I rode my bike to the date, which started with a 10AM yoga class at Yoga for the People. It was her first yoga class, so that was exciting. After yoga, we grabbed brunch at a restaurant called Egg in Williamsburg, where we colored with crayons on the table, while we got to know each other. After the date she needed internet to get some work done on her laptop. She was on a semester break from Columbia at the time, and was working as a personal assistant for a Psychologist. I volunteered that she use my place, since I lived nearby, even though I wasn’t going to be there. I needed to run errands for work. When I returned, she told me that she had to go, so I kissed her goodbye, and we ended up having sex.
Our next date involved renting a car, while she came with me to run errands. Somewhere in between I got donuts “to go” from The Donut Plant. She told me it was the best date ever. I guess what I’m getting to is that intimacy doesn’t have to be staged. It can grow organically out of everyday things that a girl with an alternative schedule can make easier. In fact, some of the most intimate moments of my life have been born while doing simple everyday activities like eating, cooking, shopping, working out, reading together, collaborating on a project, or taking a moment to relax.
I want to end this response with a brief story. When I first started Craft of Charisma, we had an intern named Miles, who was also my roommate. Miles took a break from school, to both help develop the business, and work on his dating skills. By the end of the experience, he was pretty good at dating. In fact, he was helping as an infield coach for us. One of the things Miles stumbled upon during this time, was something that he liked to call “lunch dates”, the funny thing is that they never involved eating lunch. Essentially they went like this:
Miles would meet a girl, and if he felt they had the right type of emotional connection (attraction, comfort, sexual tension) he would invite her to lunch. If she agreed, he would ask for her phone number. Because they had tentative plans to meet again, he had an organic reason to follow up with her. A day or so later, he would contact her to coordinate the specifics, which always included meeting him at our place at the start of their date. The day of the lunch date, the girl would arrive and Miles would be busy with a project. Once he was moving boxes, another time he was potting flowers, once I think he was painting a wall. Regardless of what he was working on, he would ask the girl to help him. Though this was unexpected, the girl was always glad to help. And because the date was both during the day and casual in nature, the girl would be dressed in a way that she could help. Miles was always very thankful for the help, which made his date feel good. While they were collaborating to finish the project, the two lovebirds had the time to talk and get to know each other. What they didn’t have time for, was to go to lunch.
Eventually, Miles would suggest that they just make lunch. This was in New York City, so they would walk down to the local market, and buy maybe $20 in groceries. Every step in the process was a collaborative experience. Even down to picking the right avocado for the guacamole. The entire time they would just talk, laugh, and hangout. Then they would go back to the apartment to make lunch. While they were making lunch, they would start making out. After about 5 to 10 minutes, they would go to his bedroom and have sex. I watched him do this about a half dozen times and everytime the date ended with the same result. He use to say, “the last thing a girl thinks about when she goes to lunch with a guy, is that she’s going to end up having sex with him, and then it happens.”
His analysis was sort of right. The truth, was much simpler. Women want to have sex with men. But they want to have it with the right man. And a woman will decide that a man is the right man, when she feels the right combination of emotions while she’s with him. Miles created this emotional connection with his date, by first focusing on developing himself and then bringing women into his everyday life activities. Activities like working around the house, grocery shopping, and preparing food. Miles recognized that these everyday activities were grounded in basic human needs, including the need for both himself, and his date, fulfill a desire for emotional and physical intimacy.
Miles worked with me during the summer and fall, and dated on an alternative schedule. During this time, we learned how to organically nurture an emotional and sexual relationship with a woman. Then went back to college for the Spring semester. Within a couple months of returning to school, he had his first long term girlfriend.
I know that you have some flexibility with your schedule because you’re self employed. If you like this girl, use this as an opportunity to get to know her.
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