IsaacParticipantJune 4, 2015 at 10:48 pm #3626
We went to 230 Fifth. I approached a few girls and a few groups of girls, some – on my own and some – with a wingman. I generally was not to strict about keeping to a routine, but would just try to make conversation. When approaching a group that someone else had started talking to, instead of saying ‘have you seen x’ I just said Hi, introduce me to your new friends. I felt a lot more comfortable being straightforward and not playing for some kind of scenario.
In general, I had a lot of fun and I did feel that I was pushing myself further than I had in the past. I was comfortably and naturally able to walk up to women and introduce myself. It was still scary – but doable.
I did have trouble maintaining conversation, but somehow I felt that this was because I was not really interested in any of the girls I was talking to. It’s always a lot easier for me to keep a conversation going, when I genuinely feel interested in the person I’m talking to. From the places we’ve been to so far, 230 Fifth has been the hardest crowd in this sense. I didn’t feel that I ‘related’ to the girls that I was meeting there.
I could have done better in pushing for phone numbers or for getting a girl to move with me. I can still improve a lot – in that sense.
On Saturday, I went out to Smorgasburg here on the Williamsburg waterfront. There were thousands of people and I walked around for a while, but I did not approach anyone. It’s still very hard for me to take the attitude from our time out on Saturday nights and apply it in real life. I need to definitely make it a point to practice on my own or with a friend, once a week.
On Saturday night, I met up with Vanessa, the girl that I met on week one at PS1. I can go into a lot of detail, but the short version is that we had a great date and went back to my place. It ended strangely though. In the morning, I reminded her that we had had unprotected sex and asked her if there was anything we should be worried about. She said that she had no recollection and ‘freaked out’ a little bit. I calmed her down and walked with over to the pharmacy and bought her a morning after pill and then walked her to the train. By the time we separated, it was late Sunday afternoon. I messaged her on Monday evening, but did not hear back. I was relieved not to hear back from her.EvanParticipantJune 5, 2015 at 12:17 am #3627
Transferring what you learned in class to real life when you’re alone takes a conscious effort – i’m very much still working on it. So, it’s cool that you’re already realizing that and working on it.
We’ll work a bit more on conversation as we go – it’s definitely easier when it’s someone you have a lot in common with. I also think keeping track of which bars draw people you tend to connect with – and going to those is a good thing. We’ll have to do an outing to williamsburg soon.
Odd story about Vanessa — maybe it’s the right time to cut that one…Christopher LunaModeratorJune 5, 2015 at 12:52 pm #3629
You’re doing well Isaac. Starting a group conversation with “Hi” or “Hello” is great, as long as you are able to shift to the use of closed, then open-ended questions. Also, you need to know how to weave stories that are both engaging and create a grounded emotional connection with your listeners. When I write this I mean that the stories should help you to develop attraction and comfort with the group, and then the woman that you’re interested in. We all have these stories, some us just need a little help learning to organize them.
I’m glad that you keep pushing yourself outside of your comfort zone. That’s an important step in developing your personality. As to the type of women that you approach, although I want you to date women that you’re very attracted to, it’s important that you have the ability to talk to anyone.
Remember the Five Phases of Dating and Relationship Development:
Phase 1. Mindset – Getting ourselves to a healthy place where we feel comfortable and confident, especially around women that we’re attracted to.
Phase 2. Approach & Meeting – Having the social skill-sets to go out to meet new people and make new friends, including women that we would want to date.
Phase 3. Courtship / Seduction – Once we’ve met a woman with whom we want to be more than friends, how do we change the dynamics of this relationship to include both physical and emotional intimacy.
Phase 4. Relationships – Understanding how to lead, transition to, and be in a relationship.
Phase 5. Love / Commitment – Learning to work through the challenges that come up in long term relationships.
Next, Vanessa. I’m not sure what happened here. But I’ll give you a few personal insights. First, when I was in my early 20’s I could drink until the room spun, at which point would usually fall asleep. As I approached 30, I would black out. To everyone around me, I was maybe a bit buzzed. During these episodes I could walk (mostly) fine, carry a great conversation, and charm a girls pants off. But the next day I wouldn’t remember anything. One of the scariest moments I’ve ever had involved me picking up a girl while I was blacked out. I met a girl at a bar, and woke up having unprotected sex with her. I had to kiss her to figure out who she was (it was dark so I couldn’t see her face). Things got awkward when I asked her, “Where are we at? and how did we get here?” This experience brought me to a new level of understanding. For the most part now, I don’t drink, and I seldom take home any woman who has had anything to drink, unless we’ve already been sleeping together for a while (a month or two is safe).
In your situation with Vanessa, my guess is that only Vanessa knows what happened. Did she drink too much? Take something at some point? Or was this a reaction because she was freaking out because she got caught up in the moment and regretted her choices (having unprotected sex)? Again, it’s likely that only she knows.
Either way, I recommend having sex with girls who are sober. When I was younger, the alcohol industry had be convinced that this was impossible. But like a lot of marketing that needs to create a demand, it’s a lie. Women want to have sex with men. They don’t need social lubrication to get them there, instead they only need to the right man to guide them, the right circumstance, and to feel the right emotional connection to that man (Dynamics, Area, Touch, Emotions).
Beyond this, there are a lot of great women out there, and a lot of insane women as well. The crazier women will lie when they feel it’s to their benefit. Often they feel lying is easier than dealing with the truth (some of us in the same situation my react the same way). It’s been a long long time, but I had some experience with women doing this. As a man, it’s important to protect yourself from these women. Having sex with sober women will help you protect yourself. Also, having protected sex will help you protect yourself. I can’t advocate either strongly enough.
Regardless, I would call Vanessa, and just check in with her. You’ve been dating and sleeping with her for about a month now, so it would be tough for her to make the argument that she didn’t realize that you two have a sexual relationship. As a man, you can’t be scared of unpleasant conversations. And even if you decide not to date her anymore, talking through what happened is likely to give you piece of mind.
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