“You get into the game to get out of it.” – Random Disillusioned Lothario
A few years ago when I was first learning the fundamentals of dating, I started to see some initial results after a year of awkward firsts… Awkward first approaches, awkward small talk, awkward first dates, awkward sex, and when it’d eventually end up working out, the awkward situation when a girl asks you the “What are we?” question when you really haven’t had the chance to emotionally and mentally process the situation.
When I was still really into those self-help and self-improvement support groups, I remember meeting this guy who I would describe as pretty down-to-earth and charismatic. He just had a way with words and an incredibly sharp wit. His appearance reminded me of Hank Moody from the TV show Californication.
He wore plain dark t-shirts, blue jeans, and a pair of worn out beetle boots. He had a lean face with five o’clock shadow and I got a struggling creative vibe from him. We spoke for a while on a whole array of topics ranging from philosophy, writing, art, New York sports, and eventually segued our conversation to the topic of women.
Being the charismatic and grounded guy that he was, before I could dig deep and ask him questions about dating, love, and life, he ended up turning the tables and asking me about my dating life or at the time lack thereof. I told him about my frustrations and the awkward progression I mentioned earlier. He sat there and listened attentively as if it was something he went through at one phase in his life.
As I finished my story and was ready to learn about him, he paused for a few moments and said, “Kid, that’s life, I’m close to my 40s now and I still haven’t completely figured this whole thing out. Don’t get me wrong, I did pretty well, but after all the craziness of dating prime, I’ve been exclusive with a girl I refer to as my muse. I’m not in love with her like those cheesy rom-coms as she is with me too, more or less even after we got past the honeymoon period and work through problems like partners even with our disagreements here and there, it’s only then I realized that I found exactly what I’ve been looking for, not what I wanted, but what I needed. As you get better with the ladies and go through the extreme highs and lowest lows, like you learning this whole thing, I will tell you, you get into the game to get out of it.”
To this day, I don’t remember that guy’s name and at the time where my head space was at. I thought he was crazy. If I had the ability to attract and date whatever girl I wanted to just like him, I’d completely have all figured out…
A few years later, after all the crazy adventures, extreme highs, lowest lows, and just plain bizarre moments, with perspective I can finally understand the advice that old Lothario was trying to give me at the time. While I’ve managed to grow, mature, and evolve over the last four years, I still have questions in my mind that range from:
- “The random sex and thrill of meeting someone new is fun but still challenging, should I keep going?” to…
- “I feel pretty empty inside, even with all the cheap thrills and fun that comes with this. I don’t know why it’s so hard to find a girl who I get and who gets me. Maybe I should get out of the dating game for a while and just open myself up a little bit more with the next girl I manage to make a genuine connection with?”
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not disillusioned or depressed. I’m just trying to figure out the grand scheme of it all. One thing a lot of dating experts, matchmakers, and coaches won’t tell you about is the growing pains and phases that come with finding love.
Of course, they’ll tell you the ins and outs of getting into any type of relationship, whether it’s the cheap thrills of a one night stand to a long-term relationship. But they don’t tell you the challenges that come with sustaining one. Just like life, figuring yourself out and your love life comes in phases. At some point, every guy who gets into this wonders how to get a girlfriend.
If you’re ready for a girlfriend, you’ll typically fit into one of these two categories:
- You’re still a frustrated and lonely novice that doesn’t have a ton of experience with women and you want to get into a long-term relationship.
- You’re a disillusioned ladies man who’s tired of sleeping with tons of different girls and ready to make a deeper connection with one girl.
If you fall into the first category, you face similar challenges like the men who sign up for our classes.
These challenges range from a lack of self-confidence, poor mindset, attracting women, learning the fundamentals of dating, learning how to sell yourself, and learning how to deal with your insecurities and fears as a single man trying to find love ranging from your appearance, the way you think women perceive you, the anxiety of approaching a girl, the anxiety of being rejected, and learning how to be emotionally intelligent, manage your expectations, and build your self confidence in the process.
If you fall into the second category, you face dilemmas and challenges similar to the old Lothario I mentioned earlier, learning how to put the “player lifestyle” on hold, learning how to emotionally connect with women on a deeper level, learning how to be vulnerable with a girl you want to be in a relationship with, learning how to manage a relationship, and finding a girl who fits your ideals, standards, and values versus a girl you have no chemistry with except in bed.
The reality of it all is that no matter what your unique situation is or what type of guy you are, you’ll have to face and overcome these new challenges.
So I’m going to give you a framework and list of steps for how to get a girlfriend. This will help you handle, manage, and overcome the challenges you will face when it comes to getting a girlfriend. It’ll help you manage your relationship with her so she sticks around and genuinely wants to be with you.
With that said, let’s get into the 10 simple steps to make her want you…
Step 1: Learn how to let go of the girls from your past.
No matter how experienced or inexperienced you are with dating, at some point you’ve probably come across a “girl who got away.” She was awesome and practically everything you wanted in a girl. Whether you’re a novice who got friend-zoned and later got good with women, or a seasoned ladies man who met a girl that changed your perspective on love, you fucked up along the way and lost her. She’s gone and you can’t seem to let go of her or the idea of her.
But here’s the catch, if you want to get a quality girlfriend, you must first let go of all the girls from your past. By holding on to the idea of this particular girl and the possibility that it will magically work out with her, you’re subconsciously closing yourself off from developing chemistry with other women. You will end up comparing every girl to your idealized concept of this past girl, which they will never match up to.
When she doesn’t match up to this standard, you close yourself off to her, unconsciously reject her, and forget about trying to cultivate a deeper and meaningful connection with her.
One thing I’ve learned after doing this for a few years and letting go of a special girl, is that I end up meeting someone who’s just as awesome if not better than the last, in terms of personality and chemistry, within weeks. By letting go, I leave emotional and mental energy for another great girl to enter my life.
If you’re struggling with moving on from a girl, I recommend looking into these previous posts:
Step 2: Don’t settle. The more clarity you have with what you want in a woman, the better.
Most guys have no clear idea on what they want in a girl, aside from having a cute face, slim waist, and a big behind. I forgot to mention a nice pair of knockers and maybe some sexy curves if you’re into curvy girls. But anyways, if they find a girl who looks great, is pretty good in bed, and has a good and fun personality, that’s usually enough of a standard to get them to take a step towards settling down. But this kind of thinking will spell trouble for you in the long term, especially when it comes to getting a girlfriend you genuinely like.
I always make my students do this exercise when I first start coaching them. Before actually diving into any of the technical nuances and learning the fundamentals of dating, I have them sit down and think for a while about what they’re looking for in a woman. Not just the physical attributes but the personality traits and values. I even do this with returning students, because over time, especially when you start to gain more experiences and have been in a few relationships already, your vision and ideals evolve with your growth over time.
Take your time and really think about this. I update this every few months to a year or especially after I break up with a girl or get my heart broken in the process. Write down 4 “must-have traits and values.” If a girl is missing any of these, rule her out from being one of your potential future girlfriends. Next, write down 4 “would be nice to have” traits and values. The more of these the girl has, the better off you are in the long run.
The more clarity that you have, the better off you’ll be. Keep in mind after you’ve gotten past all the thrills of meeting and hooking up with different types of women, once you’re ready to settle down into a relationship, it’s good that you get into the habit of asking the right questions that will screen out and reveal these specific traits.
In the short-term it’ll be annoying, inconvenient, and a pain in the ass. But in the long-term it’ll save you a lot of heartbreak, heartache, pain, and headaches down the road, as you won’t be dating women you didn’t have chemistry with or shouldn’t have been with to begin with.
I say no a lot more these days, not because I want to be an asshole, but mostly because I have better perspective and clarity of what I want in a girl. I’m pretty ruthless with this as I am with my time, because I don’t have the patience to deal with the headaches, fighting, and heartbreak with girls I wouldn’t have chemistry with.
Step 3: Stop searching.
I know this step seems counter intuitive and pretty much defeats the purpose of this article, but I will frequently get these questions in my workshops and classes from my students. I will usually try and dig deeper to figure out if they’re asking me this because they’re trying to fill an empty void with having a girlfriend, or if they genuinely looking to connect with someone and have something fulfilling.
If there’s one thing I’ve learned when you’re on the hunt for a girlfriend, it’s that women are very perceptive and will pick up on this behavior pretty quickly and it’ll make you come off as needy. You’ll be the chaser instead of it being the other way around.
Instead of searching for a girlfriend to fill whatever void or motivation you may have, re-frame it in your mind. Have the goal of meeting more women you’d genuinely connect with, keep dating, and figure out what you really like and don’t like about each one. If a relationship develops, that’s great, but if not keep going. You know you can make a connection with another girl and just pick up where you left off.
By exploring your options, this will prevent you from jumping head first into something really serious with a girl you’re not that into or crazy about. As I always say, get into healthy and meaningful relationships with girls you’re genuinely attracted to.
Step 4: Focus on getting your shit together and keep building your life up.
Any guy with decent game can bring home an amazing and high quality girl on any given day or night. But keeping her around for the long haul is a totally different ball game. If you aren’t at least trying to get your life together or building yourself up, don’t expect to sustain any type of relationship with a high quality girl.
Just logically think about it, a sexy girl who’s got a great career and has her shit together isn’t going to stay with or even date a guy who’s working a shitty job he hates, complains constantly without making an active effort to improve his situation in life, and still lives with his parents.
At the same time, don’t use that as an excuse of why you can’t find a decent woman or build something meaningful with a high quality girl. You don’t need to have every single thing figured out. Most of us don’t have it all completely figured out, and I’d be a hypocrite if I didn’t tell you that I still live with my parents.
But here’s the catch, I’m working my ass off towards my dreams and goals. You need to be working towards whatever ambitions you have, big or small. Women want to see that you’re a guy who has potential, drive, purpose, and dreams. Ambition is sexy, and they don’t want a guy who’s just going through the motions, complains a lot, has no control of his life, and doesn’t have a plan to get himself into a better situation. So what can you do?
Tips to Build Yourself Up
- Dream big, and write your dreams and goals down and actually pursue them. You’ll be surprised at how many people will start kissing your ass or hating on you just because you have the balls to go for what you want in your life. But the sooner you toughen up and build up your relentlessness, the better.
- Whatever it takes, move out into the real world and build whatever you have to build to live independently.
- Learn constantly and apply it. Whether it’s going to school, taking classes, reading books about what interests you, or just taking massive action in your life, keep exercising your cognitive functions. It’s a stepping stone to something that’s going to work out for you in the long run. If you’re working an unfulfilling job that you hate, start saving up and exploring other career options while you still have your freedom and youth. Be ruthless with this.
- Purge shitty people from your life and surround yourself with people who are driven, goal oriented, and following some kind of purpose. You are the average of the five people you choose to surround yourself with. I wouldn’t be where I am right now if I didn’t remove the toxic people who’ve come and gone in my life. While it was hard at first, taking that selfish step has been better off for me, my quality of life, and work in the long run.
- Keep yourself in top condition. Whether it’s physical, mental, or spiritual, keep finding ways to exercise these three areas. I used to hate working out, meditating, and reading, but since learning how to love them, I feel sharper, better, and mentally and emotionally resilient. One thing I can never compromise on is working out. Even when I’m on vacation, I still push myself and make the time to keep up these practices. Like a professional athlete that approaches their craft with uncompromising focus, that’s how I treat my routines and habits.
- Save your money and learn how to use that money to make more money. You are your best investment, I’m not saying go out and buy a brand new BMW M3. As much as I want one too, I take whatever income I get to learn new skills, re-invest in my business ventures, or pursue interests that are going to improve my life.
Step 5: Get your silver tongue out and learn how to talk.
You’re never going to have a relationship if you don’t know how to talk to girls. If you don’t know where to start, there’s plenty of content on our website that you can study and apply. And if you’re in the New York metropolitan area or any of the other cities we visit, consider investing in our workshops or coaching programs.
Here are a couple of great resources to start off with. Dave Perrotta, who I refer to as the master conversationalist, is one of my colleagues and friends that I’ve worked alongside with. You can check out his article on How to Talk to Girls. To supplement Dave’s article, you can also check out one of our previous posts on Questions to Ask a Girl.
Step 6: Have fun and learn how to flirt.
This is one of the easiest ways to arouse a girl’s interest and make her categorize you and her in a romantic context. It’s essential that you get this skill down because it’ll keep you out of the friend zone. A lot of guys are afraid of taking the necessary risks to build sexual tension and move things forward with her. If you don’t know where to start, review our article on how to flirt with a girl.
Step 7: Learn how to touch.
Touch is one of the most essential and important skills we teach and drill in our classes and workshops. You can’t create, arouse, or have a relationship outside of the friend zone if you don’t know how to navigate touch. It’s essential for building attraction and comfort. If you don’t know where to start, check out our article on how to touch a girl.
Step 8: Create and put yourself in the best position to meet girls you’ll have commonalities and chemistry with.
I often take my clients out to bars and clubs to meet women and practice their skill sets. Their biggest reservation and complaint is that the nightlife isn’t their scene. I completely understand and relate with that, but it’s the only place where you can get a high volume of strangers to meet and practice with in the shortest amount of time. Unless I’m going out with my friends, I don’t like going to bars and clubs.
That doesn’t mean you should rule anything out as an option for meeting women. I can tell you that I’ve met some amazing women including a few of my ex’s in the nightlife. But the ones I had the best chemistry with were from pursuing my interests.
Chemistry makes dating and getting into relationships fun and fulfilling. The more chemistry you have with women, the more exciting and fulfilling your love life will be. Plus, you’ll have some really amazing and emotionally charged sex. What’s more, girls that you have chemistry with usually make the best girlfriends. That natural spark is there from the beginning and it’s just something you can’t fake. So how do you do this?
Pursue your interests and do things that align with your goals and passions.
Start building social circles around whatever hobbies you have. For example, one of my biggest interests is the startup scene here in NYC. I love entrepreneurs and entrepreneurship, and one of the girls I’ve been dating for the last few months is a fashion entrepreneur. We’re both competitive, live simple and down to earth lives, and have goal-oriented personalities. I wouldn’t have met her if I hadn’t started hanging around the startup scene and going to those events.
Find your ideal dating market.
Think about the place where you’ll have the best chances of meeting your ideal type of girl and achieving your definition of dating success. Whether you want a small town girl in the middle of nowhere or a city slicker with big dreams, I suggest that you start planning to move into these areas and start building your life there, whether it’s Omaha, Nebraska or New York City.
Kill your approach anxiety and build up the habit of meeting women.
Whenever you see a girl you’re attracted to, get into the habit of trying to meet her. Take the steps to connect with her and either romantically pursue her if she’s single and interested in you, or befriend her and bring her into your social circle so you have more potential dating options, since she’ll most likely introduce you to her friends if you’re cool and she trusts you.
If you struggle with approach anxiety and don’t know where to start, refer to these resources:
Step 9: Play the long game, build it up gradually with her.
Once you start hanging out with her over the course of a few dates, aim to build it up gradually with her. You should hang out with her once or twice a week in the beginning for the first few months. Then bump it up to maybe three times a week over the course of a few more months if you genuinely like her and the feeling is mutual.
The point is, if she sees you more often in the beginning, she’ll start to take you for granted and it doesn’t leave much room for growth after that. Once she feels that plateau, things will stagnate. If you try hanging out with her less after that, such as moving from four days a week to two, she’s going to feel like something is wrong in the relationship.
Don’t reveal all your cards right away. I made this mistake a lot with my prior relationships. You might want to hold off on doing tons of fun and adventurous things in the beginning. This will set the expectation, so unless you have an unlimited amount of fun and adventurous activities to do throughout the length of the relationship, it’s better to gradually build this up.
Remember what I said, in the beginning they’re not dates, it’s hanging out. Do relaxed things like making dinner at your place or at her place with her, working out together if that’s your thing, going to the movies together, and grabbing dinner at fast casual places instead of something fancy or expensive. This will help you keep the excitement in the relationship over the long term if you decide you want to keep dating her.
Step 10: Lead her and don’t let her phase you.
I can’t overemphasize the importance of getting in the driver seat and taking the lead. That doesn’t mean I’m telling you to be a domineering and controlling asshole, I’m simply telling you to be assertive and take ownership of your end of the relationship as a man. It doesn’t matter if you’re married to her or just met her, you always need to take the lead and initiative.
Leading means making plans (but also be open to her suggestions), laying out the boundaries and ground rules for the relationship, managing yourself, managing her emotions, and moving the relationship in a healthy direction. This will keep you both happy and sane, and keep you from being that guy who’s always whipped and manipulated.
Along with this, every girl can get a little irrational and crazy at times. Women are more emotional than men, and they don’t like to argue with logic or reason most of the time if they get emotional. It’s important to not be reactive to it. Always remember to not reward people for bad behavior. Weak men are easily affected by this, so it’s important that you don’t become reactive to it.
I highly recommend that you keep some kind of mindful meditation practice or workout to keep your aggression and emotions well-managed and in check. Whoever loses their cool loses the war.
The point is, remind yourself that she’ll get crazy every now and then and that it’s normal. If this is a common occurrence, I recommend that you talk it out with her when she calms down. But if this sets her off like a time bomb, you might need to get back into the dating game and consider other options.
Always remember to take your time with new girls. Don’t jump the gun and rush into things. Instead, build it up gradually with her. That’ll help you have much more fulfilling relationships with your future girlfriends.
‘Til Next Time,