How to Ask a Girl Out
By Rob Virges
“How to ask a girl out?”
“How do you ask a girl you like out on a date? Should I buy her flowers? Should I just be an asshole for no reason and maybe she’ll like me?”
“I have a huge crush on this girl that works at the coffee cart by my class but I have no Idea how to ask her out?”
“Maybe I should rent a helicopter and drop out of it with a bouquet of her favorite flowers, she’ll definitely say yes to that!”
I’m sure one or two of those thoughts or a similar variation of those thoughts has entered your mind at some point when it came to trying to figure out the best strategy to ask the girl you’re attracted to out on a date. I know because I used to struggle with something as trivial as this a few years ago before I decided to get proactive and solve my dating woes. I used to be so shy that speaking to girls, even the ones that I had remotely no attraction to whatsoever made me break out in a sweat filled anxiety attack. It was so bad that if I as much opened my mouth to say a simple “Hello” or “Hi” to a cute girl I was attracted to, my voice would crack so much that she’d run screaming for the hills.
I’m sure some of you guys reading this can relate to something similar to this. I used to think there was absolutely no hope in solving this problem. A lot of the times it felt like a hopeless cause. It always perplexed me to how easy it was for some guys to simply strike up a conversation, get a girl to feel excited about seeing them, and then getting an effortless yes after asking them out. After some time doing some soul searching and devouring every piece of dating material I could find in sight, it started to become clear that I had a lot of work to do.
My troubles at the time were merely a symptom of a common problem shared by many frustrated single guys out there. At the core of it all behind all the mumbling, stuttering, lack of eye contact, poor body language, and an inherent fear of getting rejected by women I was attracted to, it boiled down to a lack of self-confidence further reinforced by a poor support system of friends, frequent negative social experiences with the opposite sex which further reinforced this line of thinking, and the underlying belief that essentially became a self-fulfilling prophecy that I would forever be incompetent when it came to romancing the opposite sex. It’s crazy having to reflect on this part of my life, to be honest with you as I’m writing this I can’t really wrap my mind around the fact that I actually used to think this way.
After going through the tumultuous ups and downs of learning dating, applied psychology, emotional intelligence, persuasion, mindset, non-verbal communication, and most of all the hands on experience ranging from the awkward 1st approaches, the countless rejections, the awkward 1st dates, losing my virginity, and being in a few relationships ranging from 2 months to a year, I can tell you that asking the girl you like out doesn’t and won’t need to be as complicated as the gauntlet I had to go through to get good with women. At the time, I wish I had a simple guideline on what I needed to do to ask the girl of my dreams out but, as you should always approach life; I have absolutely no regrets on learning the skills along with the right mindset to ask out and eventually date beautiful women. Here at Craft of Charisma we receive loads of emails from men who want to know how to ask a girl out and increasing their chances of success playing the dating game. To be honest with you, we get this question so much that I’ve decided to write a quick and comprehensive article on what you have to do to ask a girl you’re attracted to out on a date and eventually transition into an intimate relationship with her or a sexual one if that is your goal.
Asking a girl out on a date for most guys can be one of the most nerve-racking steps in the dating game. If anything, for some guys it might even feel like a complicated hostage negotiation with you trying to bargain with your emotions that act as the hostage taker preventing you from approaching or even attempting any type of initial contact with the girl you’re trying to ask out. That’s why I’m giving you some quick field tested tips and quick fixes to increase your success while taking the pressure off of yourself and her. All of us remember a time when we met a girl who just blew us away, whether that’d be in the looks department or the status department. Maybe you met her at work, school, or even through one of your closest friends. She’s exactly your type and the thought rings through your mind “If I could just ask her out, if I could just be alone with her for just a few moments, if only…fireworks would go off, light bulbs would flash, and everything will just fall into place!
How exactly do you go on about this?
It’s relatively very straightforward and logical. You act like a rug, you treat her as nicely as possible, put her on a pedestal, do every single thing she asks you to do, make her laugh when she’s upset, cry with her when she’s crying about her asshole boyfriend or the death of her annoying pet rat “cough” I mean dog, move mountains for her both literally and figuratively, and essentially treat her as well as any girl could ever be possibly be treated cause at the end of the day she’ll eventually see how great of a guy you actually really are deep down inside and all the pieces in her mind will come together and fall in love with you.
What Actually Happens:
I really hope you didn’t just take everything I literally just said word for word, of course I’m being sarcastic, and unfortunately the real world doesn’t work like this. If it did, I’d be out of a job and you would most likely not be seeking any dating advice whatsoever. So what actually happens? When you muster up the courage to ask her out, 9 times out of 10 it usually doesn’t turn out to be an enthusiastic yes. She usually says something along the lines of “I don’t like you in that way” or “I only like and see you as a friend or a brother.” Your heart is crushed; you’re demoralized, and have lost all hope in the opposite sex. A few days later to add insult to injury, she’s dating the same asshole she’d come crying to your shoulder about and you’re standing there scratching your head trying to make sense of the world and eventually you go through a little existential crisis and some soul searching on how to fix your love life.
Trust me, we’ve all been down that road, I know exactly what it feels like. You’re probably telling yourself right now as you’re dealing with the pain and frustration of getting rejected by the girl of your dreams that the only logical solution is to become the very asshole that your dream girl is dating. The good part is, you actually don’t need to become that asshole because you’ve got me and I know you’re better than that deep down inside.
Whether you’re taking our live Craft of Charisma in-field coaching (Dating Mastery Program) or any of our other coaching programs, before we ever get into any of the technical drills, teach dating concepts, and help you develop your dating tool box, we focus primarily on your mindset and approach to life. Without this solid foundation or learning how to face and debunk a lot of your self-limiting beliefs about yourself and the world around you, everything that you’ll do or learn will be useless if you don’t learn how to develop the mental skills needed to master the dating game.
Mindset is crucial and will determine whether you’ll succeed or fail in your career, health, wealth, and most of all your relationships. It’s essential to develop a positive mindset and face those internal demons with a proactive approach. One of the things we emphasize and teach to our students is to always keep asking questions until you have direction and to be brutally honest with yourself and the world around you. A simple way to develop the right mindset is to draw out your goals, your ideal life, and your deepest desires onto a piece of paper like a hit list for visual reference. Along with that visual reference, we teach the foundations of emotional intelligence. I have my students keep a personal journal to write down their thoughts, observe their emotional states, to reflect, and write down three things that they’re grateful for. The purpose of this is to develop a sense of self awareness and be able to have both a better understanding of themselves and learn how to deal with their deepest insecurities and fears in a constructive and productive manner.
The 5 Quick Fixes:
Now that we’ve got mindset out of the way, the second thing we teach here at Craft of Charisma is “The 5 Quick Fixes.” You know that old saying that “first impressions are always usually your last impression?” There is some truth to that statement, as human beings we’re biologically hardwired to make quick snap judgments of people we’re meeting for the first time, most of the time we don’t consciously mean it but it’s a primal defense mechanism meant for us to safeguard ourselves from physical or emotional threats. The point I’m trying to make here is to be mindful of how you present yourself. Don’t take anything the wrong way, I’m not saying that you need to look like Channing Tatum to ask a girl out, what I’m really trying to say is that you need to work on a few things before you even approach a girl you’re attracted to or even ask her out.
I always tell my students I can’t change their height, if that was possible I’d be as tall Hugh Jackman. I also tell my students I can’t change their weight, that’s really up to them and the time they invest in improving their health and physical appearance. (Please get a personal trainer or a gym membership, being in good shape helps tremendously for your self-confidence & sex appeal) What I do tell my students that we will work on five things to make you more attractive to the opposite sex and it boils down to teaching good habits such as:
- Good Grooming
- Effective Language Patterns
- Vocal Projection/Tonality
- Body Language
Women work really hard to look good, take care of themselves, and invest thousands of dollars on expensive fashion, getting their hair done, getting manicures and pedicures, and etc. The point I’m trying to make here is by focusing on developing these five things, you’ll be well on your way to increasing your attraction and receptivity towards the opposite sex. So what are some quick examples of these five quick fixes?
Good grooming boils down to having your hair kept clean and having a modern hairstyle that works for you or shaving your head if you’re already balding, trimming your beard, plucking out the hair sticking out of your nostrils, not smelling like you just slept with a bag of onions(which I hope you didn’t), and brushing your teeth. You’re probably thinking this is common sense but you’d be surprised at the amount of times I’d have to make a client leave class and go home and do these things before continuing.
Fashion boils down to wearing something that feels comfortable and that is congruent with your personality. Since it’s such a broad topic I usually recommend a few websites or magazines such as GQ to explore what is in style or what looks good. Just keep a few things in mind, Fit is king, if you’re swimming in your clothes I recommend you take those clothes, toss them into a pile, pour gas on it, and burn it. You don’t need to spend thousands of dollars on clothing, just make sure you have a few pairs of fitted jeans, wear neutral colors such as black or gray, have a few fitted button downs, a tailored suit if you can afford a tailor, and a pair of clean tennis shoes for casual wear and a pair of comfortable and stylish dress shoes or boots. You’d be surprised what a simple and minimalist wardrobe can accomplish and how easily customizable it is as you build it.
The last three quick fixes we teach tie in together, in our classes we go over effective language patterns such as cutting out filler words so you sound a little more refined for example, changing your vocal tonality to something a little more grounded and slower, and teach you one of the most important fixes, body language. About 93% of communication is non-verbal and how we present ourselves is essential in how we communicate with the world around us.
Most men set themselves up for failure even before they approach or interact with a girl they’re attracted to because of one or all of these quick fixes are incongruent. These final three fixes simply boil down to how you can confidently express yourself. Here are a few things you can do and practice before you approach the girl of your dreams:
- Keep your chin up
- Have a calm gaze
- Shoulders down and back
- Chest High
- Talk slowly & with intent
- Have good eye contact
- Cross your arms and legs into a defensive posture
- Dart your eyes in multiple direction
- Talk fast and stutter
It’s a pretty simple approach but hard to put into practice. One of the fastest ways I would teach this to my students is through emulation. If you want to put this into practice, I want you to pick someone with excellent body language, tonality, and with a charismatic and commanding presence. Could be someone you admire like your mom or dad, a good friend, or even a celebrity you saw on TV. When I was learning this I’d sit in my room and pretend I was Denzel Washington’s character from the movie Training Day. I’d purposely walk like his character, talk like his character with commanding intent, and imagine I was the most confident person in the room. With consistent practice, you’ll eventually be able to internalize, believe, and assume the body language, tonality, and language patterns of the person you’re trying to emulate.
One more thing before we move on to the next topic, always be mindful about the amount of space you’re taking up. There are a lot of studies on the correlation of space and power. To simply put it, the more space you take up, the more power you most likely have. Think about the most powerful people in the world, they live in large homes that take up the most space. Their body language communicates the amount of power they possess and wield. For example, think of President-Elect Donald Trump. Besides his colorful and offensive statements, he’s also known for his large hand gestures and dominant body language. He’s not afraid to take space even when it comes to sizing up one of his opponents. Always remember, take up as much space with your body as possible. You’re projecting to the world around you that you’re comfortable in your own skin.
Testing for Interest:
Eye Contact & Smile
One of the quickest and easiest ways to test for a girl’s receptivity is to make eye contact with her and popping a quick smile. It doesn’t need to be a full blown smile with your pearly whites, in my prior experiences depending on the girl it usually came off too strong and somewhat creepy. Just make eye contact with her and pop a quick and flirty little smirk, as if she just told you a funny joke and you’re trying to hold your laughter. You’d be surprised to the amount of women who will smile back at you; it’s an easy and quick way to gauge to see if she’ll be receptive to a conversation or to your advances.
Don’t Confuse Kindness
Even if she did smile back at you and you’re already about to pour your heart and soul out, take a step back and understand one thing “You don’t know if she’s attracted to you just because she was kind enough to smile back.” It’s all simply boils down to understanding that everything with a girl you’re trying to court, seduce, and eventually date is a test. You’re always constantly testing to see where she’s at emotionally, what your relationship is with her, and progressively moving forward to your goal. I often like to use the analogy, “Seduction is like a boiling pot of water, you SLOWLY turn up the temperature until you reach your boiling point.”
- Keep it Simple Stupid:
- A lot of my former students will put themselves through the hell of memorizing a shit ton of openers to say to a girl they’re attracted to. While we do teach a few openers for our students to fall back on and to add to their dating tool box we also teach situational awareness. Because life is so unpredictable and these canned lines will not work for every situation, we teach our students to have good judgment and utilize the environment around them such as making an observation about something in the room and using that as an opener or to even keep it more simple by starting with a simple “Hi, I’m Rob and you are?” “This is a pretty cool place, it’s my 1st time here, what brings you out here?” or even something as simple as “How’s your night going so far?” 9 times out of 10 she’ll most likely view you as a sociable, non-threatening, and friendly guy and she’ll feel comfortable talking with you.
- Be Playful & Tease Her:
- It might seem a little counter intuitive but the same way we used to tease our little brothers and sisters is still highly effective in building up a positive emotional connection and sexual tension with a girl you’re attracted to. Don’t misinterpret this as me saying that you need to be a dick and blatantly insult a girl such as saying “she’s fat for eating too much ice cream or saying her new hairdo sucks.” Think about how you used to tease your little sister by giving her a funny nickname or making lighthearted jokes. And remember to have fun while you flirt, it primes her mind and emotions to associate you with positive things. Another quick way to be playful and flirty is to misinterpret what she says and interject a sexual innuendo into it.
- Touch Her:
- Touch is so powerful, I’m not saying go and touch in her in an inappropriate place like her chest or down below as Donald Trump would suggest. Touch is a natural human need and we feel more connected to other people through touch. Think about how you interact with your best friends. You hug each other, mess with each other’s hair, fist bump, high five, and chest bump if that’s your thing to show your rapport and chemistry as friends. I’d recommend starting with small things like touching her elbow, touching her shoulder after you shake her hand, messing with her hair, high fiving her, and as she gets more comfortable with you touching her you gradually prolong your touch with her and pay attention if she’s reciprocating and touching you too. It’s a great way to establish your relationship with her as intimate and make her feel more connected to you.
- Finding Commonalities
- When you’re engaging her through conversation, you should always be looking for things and be actively paying attention to see if you have anything in common with her such as a hobby, a favorite type of food, movie, restaurant, or anything. It’s also a great way to plant the seeds in her mind for a 1st date with you. For example I love working out, it’s one of my biggest hobbies to workout with my workout group and do the challenging bootcamp styled workout. If I find out a girl I’m attracted to has a similar hobby or is into fitness, I’d invite her to come workout with me and my workout group which sets us up for our 1st
- Don’t be a rug, have your opinions, and respect hers.
- This is the one thing where your stereotypical nice guy fails. Make no mistake, women appreciate a guy who is chivalrous and treat them with respect and kindness. But a lot of guys misinterpret this as meaning that they should never ever disagree with her and never rock the boat. Don’t walk on eggshells and be afraid to flirt with her, if you’re always filtering yourself, she’ll only see you as a friend and not a lover.
- Don’t be afraid to disagree with her every now and then, value your opinions, and learn how to take the lead. Don’t take this to the other extreme and force your opinions and mindset on her, be empathetic and show respect if she respects you.
Asking Her Out:
If you’ve paid close attention up to this point and have done everything I’ve told you up to this point, then you’ll have no problem getting a yes from her and asking her out. It’s really quite funny how mainstream media and Hollywood has built up this perception in men that dating needs to be formal and that you need to wine and dine the girl of your dreams for her to ever consider you as a lover. As I mentioned in “The Approach” section of this article be actively paying attention to see if you have anything in common with her such as a hobby, a favorite type of food, movie, restaurant, or anything. It’s also a great way to plant the seeds in her mind for a 1st date with you. Like I said, I love working out and If I find out a girl I’m attracted to is into fitness I’ll invite her to do something active with me such as a workout with my workout group, yoga in the park, or a bike ride through a mountain trail. At this point you can just bring it up to her again, tell her about something cool you know that’s related to the hobby, and suggest you guys do it together. At this point you can simply grab her phone number and text her right away so she has your contact info while you’re still talking to her or simply pull out the Facebook app on your phone and have her add you from the app. I go over the logistics and how to set up a date with her in one of my previous articles. Please refer to the two part series “How to Flirt with a Girl over Text”
There you have it, asking a girl you’re attracted to may seem like a complicated science, it really isn’t. I hope this was helpful and always remember if you find out she has a boyfriend or just isn’t that into you, always remember that there are plenty of women out there in the world. The only difference now is you’re now armed with the right knowledge and toolbox in being able to build attraction, comfort, sexual tension, and an intimate relationship with any girl you may be attracted to, you now have the power to ask any girl out. Keep your mind open and keep your options open. Be confident, be social, and most of all be flexible.
‘Til Next Time,
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