ArticleDating Advice

How important is dancing in a night club?

Question
Which seduction methods are used most at nightclubs when the main activity is dancing. Dancing should be a major factor in seduction here, right? So how do I learn to dance?
-Joe K.
Answer

Dancing (even in night clubs) isn’t a major factor in seduction unless you want it to be. In this post, I’m going to start by explaining: what are the major factors in seduction. Next, I’ll explain how these are connected to dance. Lastly, I’m going to answer your question, “How can I learn to dance.”
To seduce a girl, there are five questions that you need to solve:
Question 1: How do I meet her (or approach her)?
You can meet a woman through walking up and saying hello, a dating app, friends, a mutual interest, social media, an event, she approaches you, or something else — it doesn’t matter how you meet a girl that you’re attracted to, as long as you do. It’s hard to seduce a woman that you don’t know.
Once you’ve met her you need to figure out:
Question 2: How do I get her alone?
When you meet a woman for the first time, it’s likely that she’ll be with other people — friends, family, acquaintances, coworkers (if not, that’s one less thing to worry about). To seduce her, she’ll need to feel either attracted or comfortable enough (likely both) with you to want be alone with you.
*Remember, when other people are around, most people will become more physically or emotionally constrained. Especially when it comes to choices around intimacy. As an example, most people have sex during their lives, but very few people have sex in groups. The same thing holds true (though to a lesser degree) when holding hands, kissing, or opening up about a person’s emotions or deepest secrets. It’s just a fact — people are more intimately constrained while in public. Know that, and use it to your advantage.
Question 3. How do I move her into a private location?
Generally, you’ll meet a woman for the first time in a public space. This could be school, work, a bar, in line at the bank, etc. To seduce a woman, she’ll need to feel either attracted (or comfortable) enough (usually it’s a combination of the two) to move you, or go with you to, a private location. Again, most people aren’t going to have sex, or serious foreplay that might lead to sex, in public because they’re worried about the social consequences of doing so.
Question 4: How do I touch her, and escalate physically in a way that she’ll accept?
From the first hand handshake or tap on the shoulder, to the point when you’re naked bodies are slipping back and forth against each other, and every step in between, you’re going to have to figure out how to touch her in a way that makes her both want you to touch her intimately, and will allow her to feel comfortable when you do — as some point I’m going to explain exactly how to do this in another post.
Question 5: How do I nurture the right emotional connection (chemistry) to seduce a woman? Really, you can distill the emotions necessary to seduce a woman down to a mix of three: Attraction, Comfort, and Sexual Desire (or tension).
Attraction = she has to perceive you as being valuable to her (it doesn’t matter why).
Comfortable = she needs to feel comfortable when you make advances in the relationship (so be aware of how she’s reacting to your advances).
Sexual desire = she has to consider you as potential sexual partner (the standards for this are lower than you might think).
The ability to solve these questions are the major factors in a successful seduction. Now, let’s talk about how they’re connected to dance.
Dance is one way to navigate these questions.
I’m going to take a step back in history for the sake of historical context. Safe and accessible family planning (modern birth control) are relatively new technological advancements. For large periods of history, the only way to make sure that your daughter didn’t get knocked up by the wrong guy was to make sure that she didn’t have sex. So, people in power (dad’s, religious and political leaders, etc.) segregated men and women, and controlled the circumstances around any potential seductions. Allowing men and women to meet at a dance, just like the chaperoned dances when you were in jr. high school, was one way to do that.
For example, a few hundred years ago, a single woman might go to a dance, or ball, to meet single men, or get closer to a man she already knew, with whom she might want to knock-boots.
As a man, you might do the same. Sometimes a girl that you were interested in was ready to go, because you were the right guy, and she was in the right state of mind — maybe she had looser morals or maybe you put in the work before to nurture the right emotions to overcome her inhibitions— either way, game on (other times you had to marry her first, or get permission from her father, which is still the case in some cultures). My point is that sometimes a man has to bring his “A game” to get a step closer towards seducing a woman.
Imagine you were the guy trying to bring his A Game to the party. To do so, you might create attraction (increase your perceived value) by dressing well, being in shape, presenting yourself well, grooming yourself, dancing well, being seen with other women or people of high status, nurturing a reputation before walking into the event, or getting other women to talk about how great you were before, during, and after (before the next) event.
If you did these things well, the woman you like most might dance with you. That would give you a few minutes to talk with the girl, and spit more game. If your game was tight, and working, you might shift to asking yourself how to solve the questions that I mentioned above: How do I nurture the right emotional connection (chemistry) with her? How do I touch her (physically escalate)? How do I touch her more? How do I get her alone? How do I kiss her? How do I get her to go with me to the closet? Or for a walk by the lake? (Move her to a private place). How do I escalate to sex? If you ended up hooked up once, you might ask how do I get her to do it again? Hopefully she would be thinking the same thing ; )
My point is this, dancing well can help you more easily navigate these questions. If you dance well, it conveys value (creates attraction), can nurture sexual desire (women went crazy when Elvis began shaking his hips while dancing. In similar story, I once attended a ballet with a female friend in Brooklyn and women in the audiences started screaming, panting, and yelling sexual remarks when one of the male ballet dancers started jumping higher than the other dancers. My friend made a comment about his legs and said that she thought he was using steroids to make them so muscular. The experience blew my mind. It reinforced that dance can create attraction and sexual desire). Men, I want you to think about how a woman who dances sexy affects you emotionally. Women are affected by the same type of things. It’s biology. Dancing can also create comfort (she likes dancing with you, or she see’s you dancing with another girl and that girl seems to be into it — both will cause her to feel more relaxed in your presence). Next, dancing allows you to touch a woman (or escalate touch) in a socially acceptable context. Finally, if you dance well, she might approach you. You’re probably getting the point.
I had a buddy growing up named Ricky who was amazing at using his dancing to further his success with women. In fact, he could use dancing to seduce women at scale. Ricky was an amazing break dancer, and when we were in high school, I would go with him to his performances. He used these performances to nurture all of the things that I talk about above. Once he started dancing, women who he’d never met, would walk up and give him their phone numbers. Most days he would get between 30-50 numbers. He took more girls virginity than any human I’ve ever met. By the time he was 20, he had knocked up two Brazilian runway models. I’m not suggesting anyone do this, but it’s a fascinating case study.
From both my roommates in college (one of who became a CofC student and later a CofC coach) to my own personal experiences, I can tell you with certainty, that, learning to dance well will help you to become more successful with women.
With all of this said, you don’t need to be able to dance well to seduce a girl in a dance club. There are tons of other strategies that men use in clubs successfully: buying tables and bottles, wearing fluorescent lights, dressing in ways that stand out, going to a club with a big group, going to a club with women (especially tall attractive women), creating a recognizable reputation before you walk into a venue, placing yourself in areas with high traffic, hanging out in places where you can talk and communicate for effectively with a woman (ie: near the bar bar, rooftop, lines, smoking section, or patio) becoming popular in the venue by being social and getting to know the staff, nurturing your personality by getting good at telling stories, jokes and asking questions, etc. This list could almost be infinite. I once picked up a girl in a NYC night club (who I dated for nearly two years) by talking about books with her for an hour. It was too loud, so we decided to leave. The place she tried to take me to was closed, so she invited me back to her place. Game on ; )
But let’s assume that you want to learn to dance because you want this to be part of your personality (or seduction tool belt — you can call it whatever your want to call it, if you’re using it to meet at attract women it’s the same thing).
Here are tips:
1. Watch other people who dance well, and copy them. That’s what my buddy Ricky did. Later it’s something that I did. Heck, it’s what Michael Jackson and Usher did. You can do this alone in your room, while watching movies or youtube, or when you’re out in the club. When you’re out, look for the best dancer, watch what they’re doing, and try to mimic a move or two. If you do this every time that you’re out, you’re dance skills will build over time.
2. Take a class. One of my roommates in college took both ballroom and latin dance for a couple semesters (not the former CofC coach). Over that year, he became a great dancer because he had a structured time and place each week where he practiced. Within a few months, women wanted to dance with him. This gave him confidence, and soon he was approaching women, which led to a lot of hook ups. A lot of the things that he learned about rhythm and body movement made grinding with a woman in a club easier. It also made him feel more confident with his body, touch, and in any situation that might involve dancing.
3. Go out with female friends who like to dance. It’s even better if they know that you’re trying to learn, and that you want to get better. Good friends will be understanding. They’ll dance with you because they like you as a person, not because you can hit every beat. Think of this as dancing training wheels.
4. Hire a dance coach. I did this for a while in Monterey, California at dance studio, when I turned 21. It did help. I’ve use the things that I learned from that girl on every dance floor since.
Also, a few years ago, I did a podcast interview with a couple dance coaches. One was this guy Ben. I know a bunch of my former clients took classes with him and they said it was life changing. I’ve never attended his classes, but he was great in the interview. I’ll post a link because I think it will helpful.
http://www.craftofcharisma.com/blog/2014/12/05/learning-to-dance-with-ben-weston/
Finally, have fun. Women are more likely to dance with you if you’re confident and having fun than if you can dance well. And how a woman feels when she’s around you is the most important variable in a seduction. I know that when you walk into a dance club, it’s easy to think that the currency is dance moves, but it’s not. It’s energy. It’s emotions. The music, the lights, the dancing, it’s all about energy and emotions. Bring the right energy, and you’ll do well either way.
This makes me think of an awesome story, but I’ll save it for another post. I hope this is helpful. If you have any questions, please ask.
If you have dating, love, or sex questions, #Askcofc, and we’ll respond in a future post. Also, share the love and forward this to anyone you know who might benefit from it.

Christopher Luna

Craft of Charisma Founder / CEO / Dating Coach / Life Coach / Speaker / Writer: Book phone coaching session with Chris Luna

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