How to be Seductive
By Rob Virges
“How to Be a Seductive and Sexy Man”
“What does it take to be a sexy man?”
“Sex appeal is just something that just never came naturally to me?”
“Maybe if I start wearing expensive suits and pretend to be like Harvey Specter maybe I can be sexier and seductive to women.”
“What does it take to master the science of sexy for a man?”
What does it take to be a seductive and sexy man in this day and age? It’s a question that pops up in the psyche of most men at some point or multiple times in their lives when it comes to attracting a mate. I’ve been asked this question so many times through email and the live classes that I run, that I’ve decided to write a comprehensive two part series to help men navigate and improve their odds in the dating game through sexual appeal. To be brutally honest with you, it’s quite an irony for me to be talking about this topic and addressing it because being seductive and being a sexy man never came naturally to me. To give you some perspective, let’s take a step back to a few years ago. The year was 2011 and I was a young, frustrated, and angry 18 year old high school senior with a squeaky voice that would crack everytime I tried to talk to a girl, even if it was a girl I wasn’t even remotely attracted to.
At the time, I was skinny, physically weak, swimming in my clothes, and socially awkward. To top it off I had some pretty bad social anxiety. As I paint this portrait for you, you can already see the spitting similarities between me and the actor Ryan Gosling (I’m kidding). All kidding aside, I was not in a good place and incredibly far from having any sex appeal whatsoever. Deep down inside, I felt really lonely and repulsive to the opposite sex. While everyone around me was hooking up and getting dates to the senior prom, I was getting rejected left and right.
Call me a traditionalist, but I didn’t want to be one of those guys who goes to the senior prom without a date. The tipping point for me was when I asked a mutual friend of mine to go to prom with me “as friends”, at the time I felt it was harmless and low pressure because I wasn’t attracted to her and I knew she didn’t have a date to prom. What surprised me was when she said “I’m really sorry Rob, you’re a really nice guy but I had agreed to go with my friend Grace as she has no one to go with to prom.” I walked away and just said “It’s cool, no big deal.” The reality of it was, it was a big deal to me, beneath my calm surface; internally I was completely crushed and severely demoralized.
Even a girl I just wanted to take to prom as a friend and someone I had absolutely no emotional investment in didn’t even want to go to senior prom with me. I decided to skip out on the event since I couldn’t get a date and that moment set off a journey of non-stop self-improvement, self-discovery, and to conquer my deepest insecurities as a man with no sexual appeal. The reason I tell you this story is to show you that even if you feel like you have no sex appeal and feel repulsive to women, there’s hope and with the right amount of initiative, motivation, and consistency, being sexy and seductive can be learned.
That moment took me on a 5 year rollercoaster where I had a lot of failures and successes. If you’ve gotten up to this point, I can tell you, it won’t take you years to figure this thing out like I did. At the time I had no direction, clarity, or a step-by-step action plan to execute, all I had was my gut instinct and the desire to become attractive. I can’t guarantee that you’ll be successful overnight, but what I can tell you is if you’re consistent, internalize some of these concepts, and treat the world around you as one gigantic lab experiment, you’ll be well on your way to becoming an attractive and sexy man. I will lay out a step-by-step guide that’ll give you a little direction in improving your sexual appeal and what you can do to become sexier and seductive to the opposite sex.
Step 1: Mindset
No matter what anyone tells you, you can never ever build a strong house on a shitty foundation. With that being said, you’ve got to forge the right mindset and attitude before ever embarking on this plan. Before I ever get into the technical and tactical part of dating, you can ask anyone of my former students, in the beginning we spend the most time on developing your core confidence. It’s never about shortcuts or quick fixes, I can spend all the time in the world helping you improve your external appearance and feed you the best lines and banter to say to a girl but at the end of the day, if you don’t truly believe you’re attractive, then you’ll never be attractive. Our brains are incredibly powerful tools and as human beings we totally underestimate the mental capacity and ability we have due to a lot of factors that are out of our control. Sometimes it’s a matter of cultural differences, others is due to negative experiences that have consistently compounded from childhood to adulthood that creates a negative feedback loop, and factors that are out of our control such as our genetic predispositions like height, hair loss, or physical disability or disorder.
The Solution: Be Brutally Honest, Acknowledge, and Have Clarity
The first thing I have my clients do is to list what they like and don’t like about themselves. I have them write this out, write out their deepest desires, goals, ideal life, what they’re good at and what they’re bad at, and what self-limiting beliefs they believe about themselves that’s holding them back from succeeding. Now this exercise might seem pointless to the naked eye but the purpose of it is to have a visual reference and objective clarity of why they’re taking classes with me, why do they believe what they believe in, and to provide a starting point in their journey. It’s painful digging up bad memories and facing it but, overcoming that emotional and mental hurdle is essential to your success in dating and in life. The foundation of true confidence and being attractive is knowing exactly who you are, what you want, where you’re at, and where you want to go.
Besides making my students do this, I do this exercise every few years so I know I’m where I want to be, I’m happy, and most of all living a life of integrity. I don’t mean to sound romantic here or romanticize the process but before you ever do anything in life you’ve got to be brutally honest with yourself. What this exercise is meant to do is to help you create your own philosophy and personal mission statement to live by. The most successful companies in the world have company philosophies and mission statements. The reason why they’re so successful is because they have a visual goal and representation of what they’re about and to bring them back down to earth if they’re deviating from that code. My point is, before anyone including myself can hold you accountable to your goals, you have to hold yourself accountable as no one else can tell you how to be happy, except yourself.
Now that I’ve gotten that out of the way and that you have a clearer idea, by having a core foundation and philosophy, you’ll always have a visual and psychological reference and something to believe in everytime someone challenges your confidence and what you believe about yourself. If you need some help constructing a visual representation of your philosophy I recommend you look into Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs or pick up a copy of Seattle Seahawks coach Pete Carroll’s book “Win Forever.”
Mindset is so vital, if you truly don’t feel good about yourself, believe in yourself, or have a purpose that drives you at the core of it all, you never will be truly attractive. Quick fixes can only get you so far, they’re like Band-Aids, they may cover your nasty cut but without the ointment, that cut will never heal and stop bleeding. Bad beliefs and bad emotions can only be hidden for so long, they’re like rotten vegetables in the back of your fridge, you can stuff more new stuff in front of it but at the end of the day, that rancid smell will get stronger and make everything in the fridge undesirable.
Step 2: Pursue Your Interests
There’s nothing that makes a man sexier than passion. I always tell my clients that they don’t need to go to bars and clubs all the time to meet, find, and pickup potential mates. If that’s your thing and you’re genuinely happy going to bars and clubs, then by all means keep pursuing it! If you’re like me and you don’t enjoy going to bars and clubs all the time, then it’s completely essential you build your life up. By that, like the last exercise in Step 1, you’ve got to ask yourself if you’re genuinely happy with what you’re doing for a living and what are the things in life that make you feel happy and incredibly fulfilled. I’m well aware of the fact that everyone in life is in a different situation. Some people have financial constraints which prevent them from pursuing their interests; other people have obligations such as taking care of their family. My point is, everyone has a different lot in life but that doesn’t mean you can’t and shouldn’t pursue your interests.
I don’t mean to sound generic but it’s true that people and women especially find men who have passions more interesting and attractive. It doesn’t matter how stupid or mundane you think your interests are, if it’s something like stamp collecting or video games, then own it! Talk about it, pursue it, write about it, and show the world that you’re proud of what you do, what you like, and that it makes you happy. If you have no idea what you’re passionate about, take the time to list out the things you’re interested in and go to meetup.com, Facebook, Google, or eventbrite.com and start looking up events pertaining to that specific interest. Attend some of these events or start one if it doesn’t exist yet. You’ve gotta take the initiative and do the things that make you happy. I can tell you while I’ve picked up women from bars and clubs and have had some really great and not so great relationships, my longest relationships where I’ve had the most chemistry and where I’ve found someone whose got the same interests are at these type of events and clubs. For example, I’m a huge fitness junkie and like doing challenging things like obstacle course races, bike marathons, and your occasional triathlon here and there, I’ve met one of my previous girlfriends at a fitness group I used to work out with in the park. We were both into health and fitness and besides the awesome sex; we would do tons of physical activities together and challenge each other. So get out there, get proactive with your interests, and start living your life cause God knows no one else can live your life for you.
Step 3: Paint Job
Now onto the easy part, I call this part paint job because you’re literally just giving yourself an external upgrade, seeing that the last 1st two steps was built around your core confidence, this part is usually the easiest step. I’m no fashion expert and there are plenty more credible resources out there to give yourself an upgrade after building your life and finding out what works for you. If you want to start out I’d recommend reading GQ and walking around the mall looking at all the mannequins and noticing how they’re styled so you know what’s in style and what works. As for grooming, look at it this way. Women spend hundreds if not thousands of dollars to look good to attract the right mate. So don’t walk around looking like a bum or try and sell yourself as the rebellious type cause trust me it won’t work.
Look for a modern haircut or talk to your local barber about what would work, trim your beard, pluck your nose hairs out, go see a dermatologist if your face is messed up or you suffer from acne, and if you’re balding you can do one of two things, own your baldness and grow some five o’clock shadow so you look like a badass like Jason Statham or invest in a hair transplant. (Trust me, male pattern baldness is so common, most women don’t care, some actually find it really sexy.) These are some quick fixes. Get a personal trainer or start hitting the gym, while we can’t alter things like our height we can alter our appearance through exercise. You don’t have to have a body like Brad Pitt’s, just as long as you feel good about yourself, fit into your clothes, and like who you are that’s all that really matters. If you want to go the next level and get super fit, I can tell you, it won’t hurt you but help you in the long run.
Step 4: Execution
If there’s one thing that cuts down the learning curve and makes the process a lot easier to execute is seeking out a mentor. When I embarked on this journey, I found mentors in almost everyone around me; just remember while you may excel in one area, someone else around you will excel in other areas. Don’t envy people, find inspiration in it even from the people you may dislike or hate. A lot can be learned by checking your ego at the door and being open to everything around you. If that young, angry, and frustrated 18 year old at the beginning of this article didn’t go on Google the following day or start looking for some mentorship in learning how to meet women and build his self-confidence, he’d still probably be in the same place blaming everything around him but himself to why life sucks and why he’s lonely. My point is, the process isn’t easy but it can be more effective and much faster with having a mentor and having a community of like-minded people around you trying to solve the issue of improving you love life. If I hadn’t stumbled into Craft of Charisma, or had met Christopher Luna, or had had the love, support, and brotherly care of the Craft of Charisma team and the people going through the class with me, I’d still be stuck in that perpetual limbo of trying to overcome all that emotional baggage and that negative feedback loop.
For now, just stick with these four steps. In part two, I will get a little more technical and provide you a list of the quick fixes you can apply to increase your sex appeal with the opposite sex, what women find sexy in a man, and to improve your ability to seduce, connect, and date the girl of your dreams.
Take care for now, we’re always here for you guys!
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