How to Overcome Approach Anxiety (Part I)
by Rob Virges
“Hey Rob, how do I approach the group if there is an alpha male in it?”
“Hey Rob, how do I approach the group if there is a guy in it?”
“Hey Rob, how should I approach a group if the group of girls is sitting down?”
“Hey Rob, what if she notices me coming towards her and her friends notice me coming towards her, what should I do?”
The questions I posted above were a few questions that came up during the current Dating Mastery Class that I’m coaching for the next 8 weeks. It’s completely understandable seeing that it’s only week two and the guys who are in this current cycle like all my previous students are new to the dating game. Of course and without a doubt the guys in the class come from different backgrounds and have a varied amount of life experiences but one thing they all have in common is the struggle of being stuck in their dating lives. The questions I listed above aren’t meant to belittle my students or for me to vent as a coach. The questions above as you notice have similar variations and tones to it. While they seem like viable and productive questions for me to address, I will tell you one thing, it is all complete bullshit, I always hear these questions or some form of it in the beginning of our live classes but while I may address it with some practical and tactical advice, 9 times out of 10 its usually the guys reactive anxiety kicking in way before we even go out in field. In this article I will talk about the paralyzing fear that every person and especially men face at some point in their walk of life that’s preventing them from taking actionable risk that could result in a more vibrant dating life, higher self-confidence, a new job opportunity, and last but not least a more emotionally fulfilling and happier life. Approach Anxiety is something everyone goes through and is something that you never completely overcome, it’ll always exist like the soreness you get from working out, you just learn how to deal with it better over time.
Before I get started, I want to ask you and address the giant elephant in the room. Do you really need to read this article? The problem is relatively simple and with applied logic and good emotional management can be like swatting a mosquito off of your arm. You’re already aware of your problem and already know that you’re just anxious because at the heart of it all, you’re afraid of that pretty girl saying no to you, rejecting you, and further validating that bullshit story you tell yourself everyday to why your life is lonely, why women don’t find you attractive, and why everything in your life doesn’t seem to be working out at all no matter what you do. My job as a professional coach isn’t to hold your hand and tell you life is full of sunshine and rainbows. While that can be the case at times, it’s important to understand that you need to go through the painful and unwanted things in order to achieve great things in this life. All I have to say is, let go of that bullshit story and what happened in the past, know that if you were capable of finding this website, capable of finding this article, capable of honestly admitting it to yourself that you’re afraid of rejection, and most of all capable of admitting that at the heart of it that you want to do something about your loneliness, then please don’t read this article, waste your’s and my time, and toss it away like you would with an old newspaper. Apply it step by step and eventually you’re not going to be thinking about what to say or how to approach the girl you like.
As I always say, dating and seduction is solving a very specific set of problems and one of the hurdles is solving the paralyzing anxiety men feel when approaching women. Approach anxiety is completely illogical and an emotional reaction meant to safeguard and protect you from a potential threat. That threat could be a physical threat or bodily harm once the fight-or-flight response kicks in. The reality of it is in our now modern and civilized age that approach anxiety is a defense mechanism meant to safeguard you from emotional threats and social embarrassment. Don’t worry, I’m not going to turn this into an evolutionary psychology lesson, the first key takeaway from here is that approach anxiety is a completely natural reaction. Everyone goes through some variation of it through their lifetime. If you’ve thought about it things like giving presentations and public speaking is a form of it. For example, think back to those times in grade school where you were forced to get up in front of the class and present a presentation, of course everyone or most people the teacher made to get up in front of the class were completely nervous as you probably were yourself. Just think about how it was more nerve-wracking to wait your turn and when you finally were in front of the class and presenting, everything ended up being okay, wasn’t always perfect but you can’t be perfect in an imperfect world.
Now that I’ve gotten that out of the way, I’m well aware of the fact that I dish out very cold, hard, yet brutally honest truths about meeting women and the dating game.
I’m going to debunk a few other myths and re-orient you to some new hard truths that seem counter-intuitive that you should incorporate into your new mindset.
- Women are secretly rooting for you. They want to meet you!
- One of the things that stops a guy from taking that 1st step towards moving things forward with a girl he likes is that he’ll make the assumption that she doesn’t want to meet him. I will tell you one thing from doing this for the last four years of my life, while yes I have been rejected countless times by women it usually wasn’t because they didn’t want to meet me or because I wasn’t attractive enough for them or something superficial of that matter. Understand one thing, there are 4 billion people in this world. Half of that is women. There are so many different types of women out there which means they will most likely be in different headspaces, with different and unique experiences, and approaches towards life. My point is, not every single woman will reject you because of the superficial things. There are a whole lot of valid reasons, she’s currently in a relationship, is married, newly broken up, newly divorced, someone close to her passed away, she’s not into men, she’s not ready to meet someone new, she’s just going through a rough patch in her life, etc. etc. It’s inevitable and to be honest not everything is always going to work out and be perfect. But, I will tell you one thing, you’ll meet a whole lot of women who aren’t in those circumstances I had just listed and are receptive and just waiting for the right guy to enter their lives and rock their world. Why do people go to bars other than drink with their buddies and get plastered? Why do men and women kill themselves so much with crazy workout plans, plastic surgery, and fad diets? Why do girls spend so much time, effort, and money getting dolled up only for a night that lasts for only a few hours depending on what city or region of the country you live in? As human beings we’re meant to meet members of the opposite sex, to mate, and reproduce. How do you think your parents met and where you came from? My point is, women want to meet the right guy and as a man you want to meet the right girl. It’s a cold hard truth that we all forget time and time again, so put yourself out there and get over your bullshit anxiety cause they really want to meet you as much as you want to meet them!
- You eat food, fart, and poop right? She does too.
- As men we get so paralyzed by the beauty of the women around us. Take that halo off and take her off the pedestal because I can tell you one thing as beautiful and as awesome as she can be, she’s just like you. She has baggage just like you, she has flaws just like you, she’s not always on her A Game just like you, and to sum it up she’s human, just like you. I’d always do this exercise everytime I’d see a drop dead gorgeous bombshell of a girl that would make any man question their manhood. You can do this too, it’s very simple. I’d first try and find the humor in the situation and get myself in a fun and happy mood and then I’d logically remind myself, she poops and eats food just like me. She’s not perfect and I’d be damned if I’ll pass up this opportunity to meet her.
- What do you mean that she’s out of my league?
- I guess it’s just human nature and the fact that human beings are social animals that we need to categorize ourselves into classes, tiers, and leagues based on superficial things like looks, material possessions, wealth, and status. I absolutely hate it when guys use this excuse and when someone says a girl is out of their league. I will tell you one thing, yes there are women who judge based on this criteria, at the heart of it all if you did end up meeting a girl who judges men based on the superficial things then you can assure yourself that she’s pretty shallow if your self-confidence and self-worth is on point and that she’s not worth the effort. It’s all bullshit! I will tell you one thing, next time you go out shopping at the mall, go for a walk, or even next time you go out to the bar with your buddies I want you to take a good look at the men who are with these “unattainable” and “gorgeous” women. They are far from being on next month’s issue of Men’s Health. I can’t fathom or tell you how many times I have seen butt ugly men dating drop dead gorgeous women. Some are bald, short, fat, and let’s just say the genetic lottery was just not kind to them. Just last Friday when I was out coaching my class when they wouldn’t approach any girls based on their anxieties, I pointed out to this guy who has dwarfism. The guy looked like Wee-Man from the TV show Jackass and was balding on top of that. Yet, he was approaching the hottest girls in the bar that no guy would ever even attempt to talk to and at the end of the night he ended up making out with one of them. I yelled at my students and told them that they had no valid excuses as there was a guy who has a clear physical disadvantage going out and taking charge of his love life. Get rid of leagues in your head, the moon’s the limit.
- Stop thinking about the outcome, you haven’t even talked to her yet.
- I’ve seen this countless times on the job, men will get themselves worked up over nothing half the time thinking that they need to get her phone number, set up a date, make out, move her to a private location, and do a countless list of other things before even approaching her. While I’m not going to lie, those are skill sets you’ll need to learn over time if you’re going to get better with women but please for your sake, KEEP IT SIMPLE! Say hi, introduce yourself, ask questions that pertain to her, shake her hand, smile, introduce yourself to her friends, my point is the outcome doesn’t matter and it never will. Her job is not to validate you and determine your value as a man. This is not the Super Bowl, The NBA Finals, or Nuclear Physics. Its simply walking up to a girl you’re attracted to, meeting her, and testing to see if she’s on the same page as you. You know nothing about her and she knows nothing about you. Her rejecting you should never be taken personally, as I’ve said before in truth number 1, YOU’RE NOT ALWAYS THE REASON! Sometimes her rejection happened because of a whole list of other reasons not pertaining to you. So get your head out of the clouds, understand that the world is a large place, and that there are things much larger than yourself. The world doesn’t revolve around you or your feelings, it doesn’t give a fuck (not to sound pessimistic). Once I reminded myself of that Cold Hard Truth, it really set my mind and heart free from feeling any fear about taking chances and making things happen. At the end of the day, we’re all just trying to make sense of all this from our professional lives, personal lives, and most of all our love lives.
In Part II of this series that I will post tomorrow, I’ll give you a few tactics and fun games you can try out and practice to overcome your approach anxiety. Knowledge is useless without practical application. These truths & tools used to cultivate your new mindset are useless unless you start putting it into practice.
‘Til next time….Take care for now, we’re always here for you guys!
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