• Evan

    The past eight weeks or so I’ve been on and off hooking up with a girl i know from grad school who i was friends with for about 3 years before.

    In general, we had set something of a pattern of both being around at work late – either agreeing to go running after work one day, or getting a drink, and then going back to her place and hooking up (which at first didn’t involve sex, now it normally does). In general, when we would wind up hanging out spontaneously (e.g. i would ask her day of what she was doing – if she wanted to go for a run/to yoga/ or to get a drink) it would go really well. Then via travelling and difficulty scheduling stuff, we basically didn’t hang out for 3 weeks. I sort of thought it might be over, but it’s re-engaged the last week when we got a drink and then hooked up. I’m just going to list some things that i’m not happy with though about the direction the relationship is going. In general, at first i’ve just let these things go because i thought that if i made a big deal out of them she would get freaked out and leave,, but they’re starting to bother me to the extent that i’ve been considering cutting things off. The problem is that i have feelings for her and i think cutting things off would hurt.

    Anyway, here’s a list of problems – and maybe you all have suggestions for dealing with them.

    1) Things are weird when we hang out in groups. I think a lot of this is that she doesn’t want us to be publicly known and thus acts weird towards me / somewhat ignores me and talks and flirts with other guys. I haven’t always responded to this in the best way. I’ve never explicitly gotten upset with her over it, but i’ve probably let it show implicitly that it was bothering me.

    2) She insists on knowing about my dating life with other people. She claims that this is because of fear of STDs and that since we’ve been friends for a while before, we should be able to talk about this. I’m starting to think though that this is a somewhat subliminal way of trying to control me. She also tells me about people she’s gone on dates with which i’d rather not hear about – (although she says i’m the only one that she’s sleeping with – even though this is not something that i’ve suggested we do, or insisted upon).

    3) It’s really hard to make plans to hang out with her alone. I’m going to defer this to a specific example via text messaging (and this is actually going to demonstrate basically all the problems we’ve been having.) I also realized that this is going to unveil a lot of sort of needy behavior on my part which i’m not super proud of, but i guess writing it here will help me own up to it and learn.

    This is starting in the middle of a text conversation (names of people have been replaced with capitol letters):

    Me: Do you have plans for tomorrow? I think i’m going to go see music at moma ps1.
    Her: Tmw? What music?
    Me: Yeah tomorrow and i don’t know actually. I had a lot of fun the last time i went there though.
    Her: Is there something going on in the park?
    Me: (note this is something i’ve expressed interest in doing before) oh maybe
    Her: I might go to dia beacon tmw. With N (girl). Hard to say. (note – she’s actually very flaky with everyone, not just me).
    Me: Yeah there is actually.
    Her: Might also do work.
    Her: What?
    Me: Looks like a new orleans jazz group. We could eat food in the park too. I’m really into that. If you’re around.

    (note – i know this was shit to do. it made it look like i’m down to abandon my plans for her. in reality i didn’t really have hard plans to go to moma – i just saw it was going on and thought it would be cool. so i’m not sure if i should have stuck to that i’m going to this)

    Her: Ok I’ll let you know.
    Her: I’ve been a shit about (work thing) i should just finish. But evening shoudl be more possible.
    Me: Yeah it’s at night.

    90 minutes later:
    Her: Why not invite the class? For tmw in prospect park.
    Her: C (girl) wants to go.

    (note – i’m annoyed by this suggestion, but figure that if i’m not cool with it i won’t get her out and it will lead to something confrontational. I decide i’ll enthusiastically be cool with it – i now think i should have expressed annoyance here)

    Me: Sure. I’ll send an email out in a bit.
    Her: Yeah. Invite many.

    Her: What are you doing tonight?
    (note: 15 minutes pass, i was in the middle of something else)
    Me: I’m helping out my friend with his class for a bit. Might be free later. Do you want to hang out?
    (this is also bad i think… shows that i’m willing to abandon plans to see her.)
    Her: Might have plans now
    Her: These things happen so quickly
    Her: Anyway, holler wee see.
    Her: I really should be working

    (note – here i’m thinking wtf – why was i asked what i was doing? i decide again to be totally cool with it)
    Me: Cool. I’ll text later.
    Her: Might be working tonight. Promised (boss) something to be done for weekend.
    Me: so should i text later?
    Her: Can’t hurt. I had like four plans. Time will tell.


    ok. so after this, i go out with the class. talk to chris for a bit, discuss a how i’m frustrated with how this went. go infield to 230 fifth (will post about that in a bit) have a good time approaching. i decide that i won’t text her – that that would further demonstrate willingness to abandon plans for her. Around 1230 am things are winding down for the class though. I get this text at 1215
    Her: well…
    (note , i’m not really sure how to handle this given that i decided to not text her, but i decide that since she’s texting me i can go with it.)
    Me: what are you up to now?
    Her: (describes various chores she’s doing at home)
    Me: Ok. I’ll be by nyu in a bit (she lives by there – this is also true, i have to pick up my laptop). Can i swing by?
    Her: Sure

    I get to her place around 1 am. She’s randomly trying to fix her air conditioning. I help her with that for a bit. We discuss the park thing for tomorrow. Somehow my annoyance comes through. Oh, also, she’s invited lots of people to it. I tell her i’m not happy that she invited other people. She explains that she already had plans with other people for tomorrow night (including a guy she’s gone on a few dates with – although she insists, without me asking, that she hasn’t slept with him and it’s not going anywhere) before i asked and figured combining it all was a way to see everyone. It sort of comes out that i’m additionally annoyed that she invited another guy who she’s dating to hang out with us. I actually don’t know if i should express additional annoyance at this. Obviously, this situation would make me uncomfortable, i don’t want to have to compete with some other guy. On the other hand, i was thinking of pulling this on her… but i knew doing so was kind of a power play move. She accuses me somewhat of being possessive. I tell her i don’t care that she’s seeing other guys, but that we don’t all need to hang out together. I sort of backtrack on this a bit later saying that i don’t care if he comes, but would rather not deal with it. I say that she could have just told me that she had other plans and i would have been fine with it. Anyway, we get past this conversation, talk about other stuff and eventually go to bed and have sex.

    Somewhat fortunately it’s pouring rain today, so i don’t really have to deal with any of this park stuff.

    Anyway, but overall i’m feeling a tension between fear of setting her off, but also not letting her walk all over me (which has prety much been happening). I know that it’s time now in the relationship to be setting boundaries and enforcing them. But this is hard for a number of reasons… 1) i’m pretty bad at enforcing them and actually threatening to leave and 2) i’m not even sure if i’ve totally decided what my boundaries should be… e.g. should we be able to hang out together with other people we’ve gone on dates with?

    This wasn’t the most focused question, but let me know what you think.

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