“How to be an Alpha Male”
“Everywhere I go I keep hearing that I need to be an alpha.”
“Hey bro, that guy totally out alpha-ed you.”
“That girls never going to like me, she’s only going for that guy because he’s handsome, muscular, and likable. He’s so much more alpha then I’ll ever be in this lifetime.”
It’s 10:00 PM and I’m currently working out of a random McDonald’s near a major college campus off of the Gulf Coast of Florida on my yearly family vacation. As I spent the latter half of the hour just thinking and observing the random faces entering this establishment, I couldn’t help but notice a similar trend of the type of people entering it. You’d think the type of people entering the establishment would mostly be semi-retired men and women coming in for a quick meal but in actuality it’s far from it. During the daytime maybe but for the last hour and a half it’s just been packs of young college aged men who seem to be a jello-shot away from complete obliteration. While I sit here I can’t help but just look on and reminisce about my days as a young, reckless, and stupid college kid with an endless amount of energy to chase the next high or the biggest thing.
It suddenly hit me what I was seeing, something that I hadn’t seen for almost a year and a half. With a slew of endless high fives, boat shoes, snapback hats, and hearing the word bro after every sentence I suddenly realized that it was a group of frat guys down here for Spring Break. Other than the typical talk about last nights (insert sport highlight here) and the keg stand they did on the beach, one topic that was talked about non-stop was just their tactics, strategies, and methods of trying to meet women. In the 5-10 minutes I was eavesdropping while I was waiting for my order of 20 piece Chicken McNuggets I’ve heard a slew of methods ranging from the typical “I’m going to get as drunk and as high as possible and see what happens.” To the gimmicky such as “I’m gonna manscape tonight and wear a speedo and a fake cast so they see my abs and will tell them that I broke my arm trying to save a drunk guy from falling off a balcony last night.” To just the downright absurd, I’m going to walk around with my DJ equipment and tell all the girls that I’m (insert famous DJ here) and slip them my room number.”
The dating coach inside of me was shaking it’s head and in reality I really just wanted to interject and give the guys some brutally honest and straightforward advice that didn’t consist of ridiculous gimmicks and getting as uninhibited as possible. Before my impulses took over I stopped myself, I walked away feeling a sense of nostalgia after picking up my order, I felt empathetic as I was in their shoes not too long ago…curious, uninhibited, and trying to figure out ways to meet and hook up with cute girls during that one week in the middle of March. It suddenly brought me back to a thought I had when I was talking to one of my best friends about a week ago and again with my dad this morning as we were running errands.
For a long time I had always wondered what it meant to be a man in this modern day and age. With how much that has changed in terms of technology, our society, and the generation gap it’s really hard to define what constitutes as being masculine. I’ve always wondered if having a beard, muscles, and drinking like a fish adds on to a man’s masculinity and to be honest as I’ve learned in the last few years it really doesn’t matter or make any difference if you’re any more masculine and “alpha” than the group of guys I was talking about in my earlier observation.
Maybe it’s being a little older, maybe it’s having a handful of life experiences, maybe it’s cause I’m comfortable in my own skin, or maybe it’s just a combination of all those things. What I’ve learned in the last few years that really makes a man, a man is a few of these concepts and lessons that I want to share with you.
- It’s all bullshit, let go of the idea of being an Alpha Male.
- This was the first lesson I ever picked up from my father when it came to trying to figure out how to be a man. I tried to think of who was the most masculine and most alpha guy I could talk to and get some advice to better understand myself and my masculinity. The first person that came to mind was my father. To give you some perspective and to paint a clear picture my dad is what would be characterized as a man’s man. He’s humble, yet very blunt, brutally honest, and straightforward. He’s got a Filipino accent mixed with a thick Jersey drawl, he smokes cigars, swears like a sailor, loves guns, the great outdoors, watching the New York Yankees, Jets, and Knicks, and a most of all a true hard knock with tons of grit and life wisdom. For a guy whose 5’5 and balding, he’s not much to look at but he walks and talks with an imposing presence and a quiet confidence that can be defined as the strong and silent type. In all the years I’ve been raised by my dad other than hearing his life stories from being a poor immigrant who had to work like a dog and fulfilling his version of the American Dream, I figured he was the best person to ask what it meant to be an alpha male and how you can be one. He then gave me a perplexed look and then said “It’s all bullshit, let go of the idea, don’t try to be something that you’re not, and own who you are. Doesn’t matter if you’re short, tall, fat, gay, muscular, deformed, or whatever. The worst thing you can do is to give a fuck about what everyone else is doing and what they think of you.” At the time I really didn’t think much of it, I heard him, but I really didn’t HEAR him. Since I’ve been out of college for almost a year and that I have a better understanding of myself, it really is just all bullshit. So the main takeaway is own who you are, don’t try to be something you’re not cause at the end of the day nobody really gives a damn not to sound nihilistic. Imagine if you lived with that truth at the core of your being? What would you do? Which brings me to my next point…
- Self-Awareness is Key
- One thing a lot of people and mostly men for that matter lack a sense of self-awareness. It’s a quality held by a few and there aren’t many for that matter willing to acknowledge their deepest fears, failures, and weaknesses. Very few even have the courage to actively work on their shortcomings or improve themselves. Let alone even try to not cover it up. We live in a society of shortcuts and quick fixes. The worst thing any guy can do to himself is to try and fill that void with empty highs from pornography to cover up that loneliness, to doing drugs and drinking to mask that empty feeling inside, and even to prey and poke on people’s weaknesses and shortcomings. As a man it’s your job to become aware of the voids in your life, acknowledge your shortcomings and what you perceive are your biggest insecurities and fears. Be real with yourself and nothing builds true confidence than having integrity with yourself and knowing who you are. Accept it and work on it, most of all once again “WHO GIVES A FUCK!?”
- Explore your passions
- Knowing who you are is important but most of all there’s nothing sexier and makes a man more masculine than living a life of purpose. Whether you want to be a cop, a doctor, an exotic dancer, or even make beer infused ice cream for a living, it’s important to seek out and do your thing. It’s easy to dream big but it’s hard to execute. It’s easy to make excuses but it’s harder to call yourself out on your own bullshit. Don’t take the easy way out, do your thing and create your own path. A true alpha for that matter creates his own path in life, doesn’t need outside validation, and follows his true passions in life. It takes self-awareness and a pair of balls to go for what you want, so if you know you’re going to get flak “Fuck it, cause at the end of the day you know what you want, who you are, and nobody can tell you how to be happy other than yourself.”
- Be Independent and Love Yourself
- I’m going to let you in on a cold hard truth that I learned from an early age and to why I just simply don’t take shit or let anyone tell me what I can and can’t do with my life. People will let you down. Your friends will let you down, your teachers will let you down, your family will let you down, and your girlfriend if you have one will let you down, everyone will let you down at some point in your life. Nobody is perfect and I feel like this is why I’m able to give everyone around me so much honest love and care, is because at the end of the day and at the core of it, I’m happy. I know how to make myself happy and I don’t rely on anyone or anything outside of me to make me happy. Does that make me a selfish and narcissistic asshole? Before you judge, let me clarify that last statement. I firmly believe that nobody can truly be happy if they don’t know how to love themselves first and foremost. I’m not saying go out and max out your credit on a brand new Ferrari, a pair of expensive exotic dancers, and buy a brick of cocaine just cause I told you to love yourself. If that is the case, please go back and reread points 1-3 and digest it for a while. My point is, don’t be so hard on yourself, you can’t please everybody. So at the core of it learn to love and accept yourself for your strengths and your flaws, know what makes you happy, and if you’re happy you’ll be able to love, appreciate, and respect everyone that’s in your life that matters. Don’t tie your self-worth to trends, fads, seasonal friends, or even all your closest friends, family, and loved ones. Don’t be afraid to be alone cause at the end of the day you’re not. I’ve learned that not relying on anyone for my happiness has ironically made me happier brought in more quality people into my life. From my friends, family, and even exes, all my relationships have depth and honesty attached to it. To quote Gary Vaynerchuk “Depth, not width. Do things and take actions that have more depth than width.”
- “Be masculine, not macho.”-Tom Hardy
- Tom Hardy is one of my favorite actors and probably one of the most masculine men you’d see on the silver screen. I read an article on what it meant to be masculine in this day and age. (https://www.redbulletin.com/us/us/culture/tom-hardy-knows-what-being-a-real-man-means) Here’s a link if you want to take a look at it. As brief as the interview was, Tom Hardy managed to address one of the things a lot of men have trouble with that they mask by being as macho. “You have to fully accept your own masculinity. But that has nothing to do with being macho. It also means that you can be like a mother; you can have a caring role. It’s about consideration, patience and cognitive skills. And if you can manage that, then when you die, someone will turn around and say, “Now, he was a good man…” Point is there’s nothing wrong with caring, showing love, appreciation, and letting people around you know that you’re human at the end of the day. Don’t be afraid to be vulnerable, if you’ve got nothing to hide then you’ve got nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed about. Which goes back to what I said in the last few paragraphs…Seriously, who gives a fuck? If they do give a fuck then why should that matter to you? The haters are irrelevant cause we all know they don’t have the balls to do it themselves.
- Stop chasing the dragon, focus on your own shit.
- By that I mean even though it’s my job to teach guys how to find love, date women, and get into relationships it’s important to focus your energies on improving yourself and your life. Your self-worth and esteem shouldn’t be tied to her. Know your priorities, focus on improving your life, and live your life with integrity. Women are attracted to men with purpose. So let go and understand that women will come into your life. That also doesn’t mean be a complete asshole or a pushover nice guy. You know yourself well enough. Treat her well, be chivalrous, and most of all be the man that you truly are. If she hates on any of that or what you stand for, well that’s a clear sign to walk away. Don’t be afraid to walk away, who cares if she’s hot or has some kind of status? Are you really going to stay with a person like that because of the superficial bullshit? There are 4 billion people on this planet, half of those people being women. Point is there are plenty of fish in the sea and you’ll find the right person if you stick to your guns and stay true to yourself.
- You’re a Constant Work in Progress
- Be competitive with yourself, challenge yourself physically, mentally, and spiritually. Seek out mentors, take care of your body, read and never stop seeking knowledge and truth, build a business, save the whales, jump out of planes, say hi to every random stranger you come across but remember this, you’re always a constant work in progress, never stop growing, never stop evolving, and keep seeking ways to improve yourself and your life cause no one else can live your life for you, except you.
‘Til next time….Take care for now, we’re always here for you guys!
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