Dr. Ian Kerner is a licensed psychotherapist and nationally recognized sexuality counselor who specializes in sex therapy, couples therapy and working with individuals on a range of relational issues. He is often quoted as an expert in various media, with appearances on The Today Show, The Dr. Oz Show, and NPR. He also regularly contributes to CNN Health, and lectures frequently on topics related to sex and relationships. Ian is the bestselling author of several books, including “She Comes First: The Thinking Man’s Guide to Pleasuring a Woman.”
In this interview, Ian starts by talking about his background and where the idea for his book came from, as a result of discovering his own unique sex script and working around his sexual problems. He reveals how long it takes the average man to orgasm compared to the average female. We ask Ian how men and women can bridge the gap between their different orgasm times. He then explains the makeup of the clitoris, it’s different parts, and where the real source of sexual pleasure is for a woman.
Next, Ian discusses the process of orgasm and how men and women orgasm differently. He shares insights and tips for how men can prevent a woman from losing an orgasm. He also talks about the different types of orgasms that women can have. Ian then discusses why good sex requires a combination of both physical stimulation and psychological arousal. He provides some examples of how men can incorporate more sexual language during intimacy.
Ian goes on to describe the two different desire paradigms in men and women: spontaneous desire and responsive desire. He offers advice for how men can engage in the process of seduction and be more mindful of their partner’s experience. Ian also talks about the three main categories of sex: procreational, relational, and recreational. He explains how sex has evolved over the years, and how he works with couples to establish a rec-relational model for sex.
Ian then discusses what the g-spot is, how to find it, and the best sexual positions to stimulate it. He talks about why oral sex is one of the most consistent ways that women feel pleasure, and why it’s a great way to deal with erectile dysfunction. He also describes different ways of giving oral. We then ask Ian why mindfulness is important during sex, and he shares some tips on how to be more present. He goes more in depth on oral sex, including why it should come after foreplay, how long to do it, and how to transition from oral to intercourse.
We ask Ian to talk more about the neural circuitry involved in sex. He discusses the pleasures and values of comfort sex, and offers insights on how to balance between novelty and familiarity. He also emphasizes the importance of foreplay and waiting to move to the genital region during arousal. Ian then describes the different parts of the female genitalia. He also explains the difference between female ejaculation and orgasm.
Finally, Ian discusses how men and women each have their own unique sexual templates. He talks about learning our own, our partner’s, and integrating both. He also elaborates on the snuggle gap between men and women, and offers insights on what men and women can do after sex to continue the sense of attachment. Ian leaves us with some practical tips on how men can deal with anxiety related to sex.
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