“How do I flirt with a girl over text?”
“How do I text a girl I’m attracted to?”
“I’m trying to set up a date with her but she suddenly stopped responding to all my text messages.”
I’m sure these questions and frustrations that have run through your mind at some point.
One of the most frequent frustrations and hurdles that men who are new to the dating scene face is understanding the fine art of texting a girl. In this two-part series, I will cover and provide you with a mental framework on how to navigate this process.
We’ll cover everything from debunking common myths about texting a girl, how to initiate contact with her, avoiding number flakes, how to build attraction and make her feel more receptive towards you, what to do when she suddenly becomes unresponsive, and getting to a solid yes with whatever your goal is, whether that’s trying to set up a first date, casual sex, or meeting your friends and family.
The art of seduction and dating is really a collection of different social skills rolled up and bundled together in an assortment of tools useful for creating a successful love life. After overcoming the foundational hurdles such as dealing with approach anxiety and approaching a girl, one of the many skills that proves absolutely vital to your dating success is texting a girl.
Texting is a thorn in a lot of guys’ sides, and there are thousands of books, video courses, and manuals out there on how to navigate this social norm.
But while some of that advice can be helpful, the majority of it is filled with scripted lines and graphs diagramming the time frame to deliver a text, how long you should ignore it, responding at an absurd time frame like a month later, saying ridiculous things in an attempt to flirt with her, and frequently changing the time you’ve agreed to meet, in an attempt to look busy and make you seem more attractive and mysterious.
The other extreme of this is displaying very needy behavior such as texting too frequently, leaving long-winded and detailed text messages, and losing your cool when she doesn’t respond right away.
It might seem like a complicated algorithm figuring texting out, as if there are more questions than answers when it comes to how to text a girl or how to flirt with her through text. I absolutely used to be anti-texting and said a lot of things to myself such as…
“You can’t build a real connection with a girl over text.”
“You should never ever ask her out over text, but rather ask her out in person because it shows her your masculinity.”
“I absolutely hate technology, it’s made setting up something simple as grabbing coffee with a girl so complicated.”
That last phrase was out of frustration, I LOVE TECH! But in all seriousness, thoughts like that used to go through my head back then. However, times change, people evolve, and these days I prefer to text as it gives me breathing room to relax and get back to a girl whenever I feel like it.
What is the Purpose of Texting?
Before we get into the mechanics and framework of how to text a girl, I’m going to clear the air first and debunk the myth of what the primary purpose of texting is.
You’re probably going to assume a few things:
- “It’s to build attraction after meeting her so she’ll be sure to say yes to sex.”
- “It’s to show her how interesting your life is because you’re too busy to respond to her text’s right away.”
- “Texting is all about keeping the initial interaction going and talking in circles until she agrees to meet with you.”
- “You’re supposed to flirt with her nonstop.”
- “It’s about being sexual and sending her a picture of your private parts.” (I really hope you don’t do this.)
The purpose of texting a girl is much simpler than any of these or whatever assumptions you may have…
In reality, it’s about LOGISTICS!
Yes, that’s all that texting is… logistics. It’s not a complicated negotiation with a car salesman on how to get the best deal possible on that new BMW you want. It’s simply bridging your first interaction into a date and figuring out what day works best for both of you, what her availability is, and what to do together. That’s the primary purpose of texting.
Don’t overthink it. If one or two girls don’t text you back, there’s no reason to lose sleep or beat yourself up emotionally. Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, let’s get into the how to so you can avoid number flakes, set up dates with ease, and have a mental framework on how text the girl you’re attracted to.
Let me share you some insights that come from a combination of my experience as a student of the game, as a coach, and through the years of trial and error.
How to Text a Girl
Step 1: First Interactions
A lot of my former students and friends have complained about their biggest frustration after getting the phone number of a girl they’re attracted to – number flaking, or to simply put it, an unresponsive and dead number.
There are a variety of reasons to why a girl might be unresponsive to your initial text message. Maybe she’s actually busy with something, or she’s overwhelmed with multiple text messages, or she just wasn’t that attracted to you in the first place but gave you her number anyway to gently reject you in a low-pressure and socially acceptable way.
These are all valid reasons for why the number ended up becoming a flake. So where exactly am I going with this and what does this have to do with a first interaction? Well, it has everything to do with a first interaction! A lot of dating advice advocates going for the phone number after a minute or two of chatting with a girl, but it never takes into account the level of trust she has for you within those first few minutes.
Think about the time a random stranger approached you, stopping you to ask for something or tell you about a new opportunity or to join their religion. Most people don’t like the hard sell. It’s threatening, intimidating, and really quite annoying.
If there’s one thing most human beings don’t ever want to lose next to their sense of safety and security, it’s that sense of autonomy. By autonomy, I mean their ability to make a choice without feeling pressure or having resentment later on for making such a rash decision.
During the first interaction, you should focus on creating an emotional connection, making plans to hang out again, and exchanging contact information. Never underestimate the power of emotional connections. Women are emotional creatures and if you’ve managed to take the time, say 10-15 minutes to make her feel excitement, trust, and humor, you’re well on your way to getting a yes to a first date when you text her.
Here is a conversational example of how to get a phone number during your first interaction with her:
- You: “You’re pretty cool, we should grab a drink sometime?”
- Her: “Sounds fun!”
- You: “Cool, what’s your number?”
Then, pull out your phone and assume that she’s going to give you her number. She’ll instinctively give you the number because it’s assumed that you’ll need it, since you’ve just made plans with her.
Then enter her number into your phone. Another option is to hand her your phone and let her enter it. If you don’t know her name, remember her name, or even know how to spell her name, having her enter it can be a bit smoother.
After you have her number in your phone, call her to make sure it’s correct. Next, make sure that you put your name and number into her phone. People are usually more likely to answer a call from a name or number they recognize.
This can also be a great opportunity to add some lighthearted and flirty humor. For example, I might add a silly note in her phone like, “The sexiest man of my dreams, Met at XYZ Bar, looked suave in black shirt.” This might seem silly, but what you’re really trying to do is make things easier for her. Attractive women are asked by men to exchange phone numbers frequently. The average person can only remember about 100-230 names consistently.
Beyond this, they begin to mix people up, forget about others, and need cognitive tools to recall names. Don’t take this personally, it’s just part of dating and life. (See Dunbar’s Number)
As a side note, thinking about seduction in these terms is fascinating. Out of the tens of thousands of people she’s met throughout the course of her life, when you’re successful, you’ll not only navigate your way into this group of 100-230 people who she can immediately recall, but you’ll navigate into one of the 1-5 people that she considers to be her most trusted inner circle.
On your end, if you get a lot of phone numbers, you’ll quickly begin forgetting names too. To help with this, use the notes field in your phone. For example, “Natalie, green eyes, works in PR for XYZ Company. Has one brother. Just got back from Barcelona. Loves Cross-fit and reading. Wore black dress.”
You can also take her picture and save it into your phone. If you do so, tell her that you’re going to take her picture. As a general rule of thumb, you always want to get permission before you do so.
Both physically and emotionally, this is a foundational skill of a good leader, and a major part of being effective at dating. Dating is about learning to lead, first with yourself, then another person, your relationship with them, and eventually a family. In addition, this process builds trust.
To make this fun and flirty again, you can say something like, “I’m going to take your picture, let me see your most seductive stare,” then take her picture. I like to mess around, so in the event she took your request seriously, and made a seductive stare, I would probably tease her after and tell her that it needed it work, but that we could work on it together.
You could go into another direction and say something like, “I have a serious question, can you see the tip of your nose?” or “Can you curl your tongue?” or something that would cause her to make a funny face, and then take her picture when she tries to do whatever you asked her to do. She’ll get frustrated and often want you to delete the funny photo. Then tell her you’ll take another photo and replace the one you just took after you meet up next time.
If you take this approach, make sure it’s playful. This shouldn’t come off as blackmail; it’s a silly game that should feel fun for both of you. You’re teasing her, I shouldn’t need to say this, but don’t use a bad photo to exploit her by publishing the picture on the internet or by sending it to all of your friends.
As a man, you’ll discover that the women you date will often be vulnerable to you, and that you’ll often be in a position of power within the relationship. The power dynamics are important to creating attraction and yet, with great power come great responsibility. This might seem trivial to someone reading this, but exploiting this power dynamic erodes trust and can fuck a person up.
If she really does get upset, just delete the photo. If a woman gets angry over this (or something like this), it’s often driven by a traumatic experience evolved to a deep-seated insecurity or anxiety. In either case, it’s a red flag that she’s probably not in a healthy emotional place.
This doesn’t mean that she’s a bad person, but it does mean that if you date her, she’s likely to make your life miserable, as her problems will become your problems. This happens in every relationship, but some problems are worse than others.
The point is that when dating, it’s important to be aware of warning signs and red flags that she could be emotionally or psychologically off. When a man is around a woman that he’s attracted to, he’ll often ignore these red flags, and regret it later.
A third option is to be inclusive and say something like, “Get over here, let’s take a picture.” Then take a picture with her. This photo could be normal, silly, or something else. If it’s silly, for example you’re both making funny faces, then it’s probably safe to share the photo and tag her through social media. I would mention that I’m going to share it and tag her first and pay attention to how she reacts.
One last suggestion is to connect with her on social media like Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, etc. I will discuss this in a future article.
Step 2: After You Get Her Number
After we exchange phone numbers, I’ll usually continue to talk to her and hang out with her as long as it’s appropriate. Remember, the goal isn’t to get her phone number, it’s to see her again and move the relationship forward. The phone number is merely a bridge from this moment, until the next time you see her again, and a tool for figuring out logistics.
As we continue to hang out, we might even begin making plans to do things together. For example, we might make plans to go check out a museum, hang out in the park, read and talk about a book, workout together, or share each other’s writing, music, art, or other passions.
The more plans, the better. Again, talking about the future moves the interaction from one moment of time into the future. It also creates emotional investment, and the more someone invests in something, the more they tend to value it. And it’s the perception of value that is the basis of attraction.
As a side note, tentative plans tend to work better than specific plans. Here’s an example of a typical conversation that would lead to tentative plans:
- You: You’re pretty cool, we should grab a drink sometime?
- Her: Sounds fun.
- You: Cool, what’s your number?
- (Exchange phone numbers)
- You: Maybe Thursday, are you going to be around?
- Her: I should be, I work until around 5pm.
- You: Where do you work?
- Her: West Village
- You: Hmmm…Do you drink wine?
- Her: Yes.
- You: There’s a cool wine bar near 14th and 6th Actually, I have a few ideas. I’ll text you and we can figure this out.
- Her: Sounds good.
- (Change subjects)
Again, notice how I made general plans in the example, which gives me context to follow up, yet still move the interaction into a moment in the future.
Step 3: Separation and First Text
Eventually, you’re going to have to separate. It’s at this point that I’ll usually text a girl for the first time. The first text usually looks something like this:
- You: Hi Natalie! It was nice to meet you : )
- Her: It was great to meet you too Rob! : D
- You: I’ll call you Tuesday about grabbing that drink next week.
- Her: Sounds great!
The follow-up is about building trust. I text her when I say I will. I call her when I say I will. I show up where I say I will show up. I want to be predictable.
This process is called “getting to normal” and here’s why: Think about the people you’re closest to. Maybe it’s your siblings, best friends, parents, and etc. When they call, you don’t spend much time thinking about what you’re going to say and whether you’re going to answer their calls. Instead, you answer when you can, and when you can’t, you call them back, or they call you back.
No one takes anything personally, unless one party ignores the calls from the other party for an extended period of time, at which point the ignored party begins to feel something might be wrong, and if this is a new pattern of behavior, then usually there is something wrong.
At this point, the trust begins to degrade. But as long as the general pattern of response stays the same, everything works and no one really questions it. That’s the type of trust and response that you’re trying to create when you meet someone new that you want to have a relationship with.
We used to have a Craft of Charisma coach (he started off as a student in the first Dating Mastery Program) who would make the first phone call while he was still talking to the girl. A few minutes after he exchanged phone numbers with a girl, he would discreetly call her while he was still engaged in the conversation with her.
Not wanting to be rude, she would usually ignore the call, and he would insist that she answer it. Then when she answered it, he would put his phone to his ear and say, “I just wanted to get that first awkward phone call out of the way.” At this point the girl would laugh, and they would both hang up and continue the conversation.
What he did was smart because he was trying to get her in the habit of answering his calls. Statistically, a girl who answers your calls 60 times, is more likely to answer it the 61st time. And this logic can be carried back to answering your calls even once (this logic can be carried over to sex too, but that’s another conversation).
As a side note, women will complain that men never call anymore and only text. In reality, if you’re in a situation where you need to build more attraction or comfort through text messaging to get a girl to see or respond to you, then more often than not, she’s not going to meet up with you.
Building attraction, creating comfort, and sexual tension are all components of building an emotional connection. If you meet a girl, and she’s not responding to your text messages, it’s almost guaranteed that you didn’t build a strong enough emotional connection with her. The time to focus on creating this connection is when you’re with her, when you can stimulate her five senses: sight, sound, touch, smell, and taste (usually in that order).
One question that frequently comes up is, “How long should I wait to text her?” Generally, the sooner the better. Normally, I send a first text within half an hour after I separate from her. But that also depends on the circumstances. If it’s super late (the bars in NYC close at 4-5am) I may send something in the morning.
I once picked up a girl on a date while she was coming out of the bathroom. I thought she was on a date, and when I asked her she confirmed. In that case, I sent her a text the next day, because I didn’t want to create a situation with her date that was awkward. And we did end up meeting up. My point is, it’s important to be AWARE of her circumstances.
Step 4: First Call
If I say I’m going to call Thursday, then I call on Thursday. And even if she doesn’t answer, then I leave a message. Usually the message is something like:
“Hi, It’s Rob. We met at XYZ bar! I wanted to see if you still want to grab a drink on Thursday. Give me a call back when you get a chance.”
For clarification, it’s a common practice to use text or messaging (without a call) to set up the date or meet up. But again, my focus is on two things: First, setting up the meet up. And second, getting her acclimated to communicating with me in the same way that she communicates with the people whom she is closest.
Your first phone conversation with a girl (whether she answers your call or calls you back) may contain small talk, a recap of your first meeting, an in-depth conversation, or something else. Regardless, part of the conversation should focus on the next time that you’re going to meet.
This includes the circumstances:
- Where and when are you going to meet?
- Who is going to be there?
As a man, you should have a plan for what you’re going to do. Normally, if I got on a first date, I’ll pick a place that’s in public (so she feels comfortable) and in a location that’s close to my place (to make things easier in the event things go well). Again, plan for success. Part of leadership is having an idea of where you’re going next. The last thing you want to do is have things go well and burden her with these problems, so solve them in advance.
Another thing I’ll do is propose two options, and then let her choose. Choices are empowering. Normally she’ll pick one of the two choices, or in certain situations she’ll propose a third. In the event that she tells me to make a choice, then I’ll make the choice for both of us.
Making choices is part of being a leader. And if a woman asks you to make a choice for her, then make the choice. This means that she trusts you to lead her, and that she’s willing to follow you. This is a great place to be in.
In addition, I’ll usually tell a girl what I’m going to wear or I’ll give her guidelines on how to dress. Again, my goal is to make things easy for her.
Step 5: Confirming the Date
On the day of the date, I’ll usually receive a message from her to confirm that we’re still on for whatever it is that we’ve agreed to do. If we’re meeting early in the morning, then I’ll usually receive the message the night before. If I don’t, I’ll go ahead and send her something like:
- Me: How’s your day going?
- Her: Good. And yours?
- Me: Busy, but full of great things : )
- Me: I wanted to check in, are we still on for tonight at 5:30?
- Her: Yes, I’m looking forward to it!
- Me: Me too, I’ll see you tonight!
From here, things usually go smoothly. That’s because I began moving the relationship in this direction from the moment I met her.
Common Texting Questions
How many times should I contact a girl if she doesn’t respond?
It depends upon the situation and the girl. Normally, I would say 3 times, and then move on. A lot of guys don’t realize that a girl won’t answer a guy’s calls both because she’s not interested, as well as because she’s so interested that he makes her nervous. Contact her at least 3 times before moving on. And space them out. For example, call once every three to four days.
Early in a relationship, a girl is much more likely to respond to your text messages than she is to answer a first call. Understanding this, if you find that you’re texting a lot and things aren’t going anywhere (you’re having trouble securing a date), say something like, “I’m in the middle of something, can I call you in 10 mins?”
She’ll usually say yes or no. If she says yes, call her in 10 minutes, and if she says no, text her, “When are you free to chat?” If she’s really engaged with you through text, you can usually get her on the phone, and figure out what’s holding up the situation.
How long should my text messages be?
Your texts should be about as long as hers, since you want to mirror her. If her last three text messages consisted of one to two sentence responses, don’t respond to her with multiple paragraphs. There should be a certain balance in your text interactions, in the same way that there should be a balance of talking and listening in your conversations.
I’m well aware that this was a long article, but I wanted to organize these concepts in a detailed step-by-step guide with conceptual explanations to provide you with a mental framework and model for texting a girl you’re attracted to.
To make it easier for you, here’s a short recap and cheat sheet you can easily remember or refer back to in case you get stuck and need to troubleshoot the situation:
- Step 1: First interaction
- Create an emotional connection, start making plans, and exchange contact information.
- Step 2: After getting the number
- Continue talking with her, start discussing tentative plans.
- Step 3: First text
- Re-initiated contact, build trust, mention meeting up.
- Step 4: First call (optional)
- Talk about meeting up, and make plans more concrete by giving options.
- Step 5: Confirmation
- Confirm your plans the day of or the night before.
Notice that every time I interact with the girl through these examples, I’m attempting to move the relationship into a moment in the future.
Remember, if one girl doesn’t respond, don’t take it personally and don’t pick yourself apart. If women aren’t responding to you consistently, then it’s almost always because of one of these two reasons:
- You’re not building a strong enough emotional connection with the women that you’re meeting (attraction, comfort, or sexual tension) in person.
- You’re not focusing enough on making plans, meeting up again, and leading the women you meet through this process.
One last thing… In the example above, I used the example of getting a drink. In reality, I seldom drink, and almost never go for a drink on a date. I’m much more likely to grab coffee, tea, walk in the park, attend a class, share a passion, or do something else. When it comes to setting up the date or meet up, think simple and outside the traditional dating box.
On one of my past dates with a girl I previously dated, we did yoga together and then grabbed brunch afterwards. On our second date I ran errands and invited her to come along with me. Along the way, we bought brownies and went for a walk in the park.
The point is, when I first start dating a girl it’s more like hanging out than traditional dating. It’s more real and authentic. I prefer this because it gives both of us the opportunity to shed the high pressure formalities that often come with first and second dates. It’s also more effective.
Hopefully this cleared up a lot of misconceptions about how to text a girl and how to flirt with her over text along with providing you a foundation and mental model.
In part two of this two-part series on “How to Flirt With a Girl Over Text,” I will cover and provide a comprehensive guide on how to keep everything lighthearted with her, build attraction, and flirt with her.
‘Til next time,