-by Rob Virges
Student: “Hey Rob, I just managed to get a date with a girl I had just met at Whole Foods the other day? I’m excited but I’m also incredibly nervous to what we should do on our first date together.”
Rob: “For the love of God, please tell me you didn’t suggest anything yet or do the cliche dinner or movie suggestion?”
Student: “No, is that what I should do?”
Rob:”….We’ve got more work to do, HAVE YOU NOT BEEN PAYING ATTENTION IN CLASS!?!?!?!?”
This was a question I had gotten from a previous student that I had worked with from a workshop a few weeks ago. This along with dealing with approach anxiety has usually been one of the most common questions I get. She agreed to meet up and hang out with you, for the dating novice this probably leads to the question “So, what do I do now? How can I make sure this is a good date and not fuck up my chances with her?”
We’ve all seen this cliche trope play out in the movies and TV shows. The guy gets incredibly excited and starts brainstorming ideas for the perfect date. It’s usually followed by a ridiculous and funny fantasy that features a fancy dinner on top of the Empire State Building with fireworks, a violinist, wine, and Great Gatsby like attire with the date ending with the girl falling madly in love with him. Then it cuts back to his panicked state and the rest of the show is centered on him trying to nurture and create the perfect date that’ll either end in romantic sex or a complete disaster.
Fortunately for you, you don’t have to do this or go through the trouble of dealing with thousands of running gags other than me nagging you for the better as your conscience.
So to answer your question what should you do?
Are you ready, this answer is going to be so mind boggling that you’ll be shitting out gold…
As I always say K-I-S-S. No don’t make out with her yet, just KEEP IT SIMPLE STUPID!
Society has both men and women conditioned to believe that first dates are supposed to be a formal and special event like graduation or going to prom or getting engaged. The reality of this is it sets up both men and women to feel this unnecessary and unrealistic pressure. I oftentimes don’t even like using the word “date” cause it adds so much pressure on the girl and will set up a certain expectation for herself and for me to deliver upon. The goal isn’t to blow her away with an amazing date idea, you’re not trying to get her out with you for the idea itself, you’re trying to get her to hang out with you for you. Your primary goal is to have a genuine connection with her which could possibly lead to sex and eventually the beginnings of a fulfilling relationship if both of you have good chemistry.
So besides the unnecessary pressure why should you keep dates simple, cheap, and spontaneous?
- Expensive dates are a bad idea.
- I’m not a cheapskate but, I will tell you one thing, YOU SHOULD NEVER EVER BUY A GIRL’S LOVE, PERIOD! The awkwardness of whether you’ll split the bill, the dent in your wallet, and the fact that you’re investing so much money in a girl you don’t even know yet. It doesn’t matter if you’re financially well off or rich, it’s not going to bode well for you. If she’s not a gold digger a girl will feel bad or will feel like you’re trying to buy her affection and will make her feel like or paint her as an object or prize. It’s unnecessary pressure, expensive dinner dates is something you do on your anniversary with your girlfriend or wife, you don’t do this on first dates.
- Remember, as a man it’s your job to lead, complex dates are a bad idea:
- You’re always leading, making everything complicated will just make her not want to invest in you & complicated date ideas come with complicated logistics. Just remember besides the stuff you have going on in your life, she’s got a life too. These kinds of dates get in the way of connecting with her and leading her. What it will do is send you to the friend zone. For the sake of simplicity, avoid making things complicated for you and her, you can do that stuff after you’ve slept with her and have been dating her for a little bit.
- Cheap and simple dates make everything easier for you to connect with her, lead her, and make things sexual.
- If you didn’t heed my advice and already landed in the friend zone, please refer to this article below:
Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, there are thousands of simple first date ideas but I want you to re-frame and change your paradigm or idea of what a date looks like or what it should be. Emotions are contagious, if you’re nervous, imagine how she’s going to feel or is probably feeling about going out to do something with a complete stranger she just randomly met. Re-frame this in your mind and also hers when you communicate and set up the logistics. You’re hanging out, that’s it. Just like what you do with your buddies, your family, and your co-workers when you go on your lunch break, you’re simply hanging out.
So imagine how you hang out with your best friend or your buddies, that’s what you’re going to do with her on your first date. With that I leave you with the 5 simple first date ideas (also really cheap) you can do with a girl you’re attracted to:
- The Coffee Date
- As cliche as this may come off it doesn’t need to be coffee, it can be pastries, bubble tea, donuts, or croissants. It’s incredibly low pressure, intimate, and they’re everywhere and usually within close proximity to a park or smack dab in the middle of a city or town square depending on where you live where there’s plenty of places to walk and talk. If you’re not into the walking and talking aspect, you can just sit in the lounge area couches or the bar area if it’s one of those espresso bars.
- I don’t recommend tables, it’ll create a barrier, I recommend you find a couch to sit on or go into the park and sit on a park bench with her, this will make touching and getting intimate with her much easier.
- The Happy Hour Date
- Since my college days ended and I’ve recommitted myself to my health and fitness after losing a lot of weight and being physically and emotionally unhealthy from my college years as a heavy party animal and caffeine addicted overworked college student I don’t really like going to bars to drink. At this point I don’t drink to get loaded, more or less just to unwind and relax after a long day. But, when I was in college this was my go to option. Why? simply because the bar is a social environment and it’s low pressure. Unlike taking her out to a fancy dinner, you’re forced to commit to a 1-3 hour ordeal with a person you know nothing about, going to a bar during happy hour is much more casual. If you don’t vibe well with her or if she doesn’t vibe well with you, you can leave after the first drink. You also have the benefit of being able to bounce around like getting coffee with her during the day time. You can go to another bar down the street and have a little mini adventure.
- To keep it moving, try not to get more than one round of drinks at the same spot:
- This is simply meant to avoid making the date get stagnant. You could either switch bars, have a round of drinks by the pool table or lounge section, but in general just move to another place with another good happy hour deal.
- Give & Take:
- A lot of guys over complicate the process of paying the bill. When it comes, just say you’ll get the first round and she’ll handle the next. 9 times out of 10 most women are cool with this, on very rare occasions they’ll get pissed. I usually use this to screen out which girls i’m going to vibe well with, if she’s got good values and is just a cool person, then of course don’t be afraid to shell some cash out but if she gets pissed over something like this on a first date then move on.
- Sit next to her:
- Just like the coffee date, sit next to her at the bar, the closer the proximity, the more touch, the easier it’ll be to build a romantic connection with her.
- The On-The-Go Food Date
- This one is my personal favorite since I get to bring out my inner fat kid. If this is a daytime date or even right after work or even after an event or class where you had just met a girl, I recommend just grabbing a slice of pizza with her, ice cream, hipster meatballs if you’re in Brooklyn, or frozen yogurt.
- Have a plan for what you’re going to do afterwards. These kind of dates wont take more than 10-20 mins. I recommend walking to a nearby park, by the pier if you live near a pier, or around the corner to your place if you live around the block for a drink. Point being, have a plan and don’t over-complicate it.
- Running Errands Date
- Now I know you’re thinking, “Why would I take her with me while I run errands?” Remember what I said about re-framing this as hanging out. I used to do this all the time when I was in college and still do as my primary means for going on dates just because I’ve always got something on my schedule and scheduling dates is a huge pain in the ass since my only “me time, I’m going to relax, and be alone day” is usually Sunday.”You can kill two birds with one stone, go on a date and also get shit done. Usually I turn it into an adventure where we end up exploring as I pick up my laundry or go food shopping.
- You don’t necessarily have to plan out a date, point is just bring her along to something you were already doing. This saves time and doesn’t require any planning. For example if you’re going food shopping you can say “I’m heading over to Whole Foods to pickup some groceries, you want to come with me and we can grab some food afterwards?”
- Ironically and unintentionally after doing this for a while I realized and learned that it positions you to be in a position of higher value just because you’re not doing any selling or chasing. In fact you’re just going on about your day-to-day life and taking her along for the ride. This also takes off the unnecessary pressure that comes with going on a first date. You come off as down to earth and normal with a normal life which in turn will make her feel more comfortable with you and will lead to an easier time connecting with her and seducing her if you plan on having sex on the first date.
- It can be:
- Walking through the city as you go to an appointment
- Networking Event you originally planned on attending
- Window shopping in the mall while you’re shopping for clothes
- Farmer’s Markets
- Flea Markets
- Propping up a blanket in the park and having a “spontaneous picnic” when in actuality you’re on your lunch break.
- Hookah Bar Date
- These days unless it’s a special event, birthday, wedding, or holiday I rarely ever drink and do date number two, I’m not against booze since my re-commitment to health and fitness but my occasional vice next to eating cheeseburgers and donuts is smoking hookah. If she’s cool or is not a complete health nut I recommend taking her to a local hookah bar for a few reasons:
- It’s intimate.
- It’s loungey.
- The light lounge music sets the mood.
- The smell of flavored tobacco and hookah charcoal sets the vibe and in my opinion smells good.
- It’s dim so it’s easier to sexually escalate.
- It’s a great place to just relax and unwind after a work day or after class if she’s still under 21.
- They serve good food.
- The seats are usually designed like the lounge area in the bar where in turn you can sit with her and touch her as she’ll touch you back.
- It’s a fun atmosphere if there’s live music.
- If they got karaoke then you can be silly and sing with her.
- It’s quiet enough where you can have an intimate conversation.
So there you have it, 5 simple first dates that barely cost anything or is literally free. At this point you’re probably asking if you should push forward and either bring her back to your place or go home with her. Every girl has a different threshold but I will tell you should always test and see how she reacts. A lot of times I’ll go home with her or if she’s the type who wants to take it easy especially if she’s fresh off a break up then I usually aim for the second date and at least try to kiss and make out with her once I get her in a private area. Don’t get me wrong, sex on a first date is very common if you’ve built enough comfort with her, lead her, and set up good logistics. The sooner you hook up, the better it’ll be for both you and her, here’s a few reasons why:
- Attraction has an expiration date. Hence this is why I make a point to try and move it forward on a first date. If sex isn’t possible just kiss her at least. Attraction doesn’t last forever, when you lose it, you’ve lost your at bat.
- You discover if you have any sexual chemistry sooner than later:
- Some people will have it off the bat, other’s just don’t. What I’ve learned is that good conversational chemistry, a lot of flirting, and healthy emotional chemistry I have with a girl usually leads to good sex. Sometimes, these things just don’t fit well together and the sooner you figure this out the better it’ll be for both her and yourself.
- You’re not going to the friend zone.
- If you’ve made out with her or have made it to first, second, third base, and lastly home plate with a girl and you do it well, you’re not going to be condemned to the friend zone with the rest of the poor guys who’ve tried their luck with her. (Unless you act crazy or needy afterwards)
- Women are attracted to dominant men
- Dominant men go for exactly what they want. If you want to have sex with her and you don’t try and make the first few moves, you’ll lose respect and brownie points with her. If you still don’t know your “GO” signals please refer to this article:
As I always say every girl is different with a unique set of experiences and sometimes baggage. If you’ve gone on more than three dates with her and you still haven’t had sex or at least gone to 1st, 2nd, or 3rd base then it most likely means one of the following:
- You don’t know how to sexually escalate.
- You didn’t take any of the advice above and suck at planning simple dates.
- She’s got some reservations or issues about having sex.
- She’s emotionally unstable or came off a really bad relationship (At this point just save yourself the headache and walk away).
- She comes from a conservative culture or is religious.
- She’s still a virgin.
‘Til Next Time,
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