Have you ever noticed how some men are just naturally confident with women? I’m talking about THAT guy. The one who always had a girlfriend and seemed to have a line of women down the block fighting to be his next.
You might even be thinking of someone specific. Have you ever wished you were him? The truth is, you can be, regardless of your age, ethnicity, how tall you are, the way you look, or the balance in your checking account.
For a long time I struggled with women. It took me years of trial and error, wasted time, and emotional frustration to figure out this aspect of my life, but eventually I did. What was the secret?
Before I can explain that, I need to take a step back.
Growing up, I was naturally shy around women. I had my first kiss when I was eighteen and a half, and didn’t lose my virginity until my twenties. Even now, after all of my success as a dating coach, I still describe myself as an introvert.
But growing up, I knew a guy named Ricky who was different. He was a natural with women. It didn’t matter what he did, women seemed to love him for it. For a long time, I wondered what it was that made him so special.
Over the years, as I became confident and comfortable with women, I realized exactly what it was. Once I did, I used this knowledge to improve my life, and then I turned it into a process that we now teach as part of Craft of Charisma’s coaching philosophy.
As men, we develop confidence with women, like all things, through observation and trial and error.
When it came to meeting and attracting women, I didn’t really have anyone to observe. I was the oldest in a house full of boys, I didn’t have older male cousins around, and I couldn’t find a single male mentor who was willing to take me under his wing and teach me how to meet and attract women, the way we now do with our clients in our coaching programs.
Because I didn’t have mentorship, is was a lot more error than anything else. And unlike other parts of my life, where I could test something, get feedback, and make adjustments, dating was different. When something went wrong, I was left guessing what it was. Have you experienced this?
Ricky was raised in very different circumstances; he grew up in a house full of women. While I was left asking questions like: What do women talk about? What do women find attractive? What are they looking for? How do I know if she likes me? What do I do if she does? Ricky knew the answers to these questions, largely because he was raised in an environment that allowed him to nurture this social skill.
Confidence with women comes from experience with women, and the more experiences you have, the more comfortable and confident you’ll be, especially if you have the right types of experiences.
At Craft of Charisma, we’ve developed a process that we use to make sure that you get those experiences:
Experiences -> Expectations -> Emotions
So what does this mean?
Say, for example, a man gets nervous approaching women, especially those he finds attractive. In this case, he’s tired of wasting time, and wants success fast, so he attends a coaching program, and we work with him on some strategies we’ve tested and know will get him better results. After the workshop, we take him infield and the next ten women he approaches, the interactions go well. He’s now developing positive experiences.
When he approaches the next woman, he will naturally expect that interaction to go well, too. Even if it doesn’t, his past experiences will tell him that it’s probably her problem, not his. His positive experiences allow him to put his negative experiences in perspective.
Positive experiences lead to positive expectations, and positive expectations lead to positive emotions. If we can help this man create enough positive experiences, then we can change his expectations. His success becomes the basis for his confidence with women.