“What does it take to be a seductive and sexy man in this day and age?”
This is a question that pops up in the psyche of most men at some point or multiple times in their lives when it comes to attracting a mate. I’ve been asked this question so many times through email and our live classes, that I’ve decided to write a comprehensive two-part series to help men navigate and improve their odds in the dating scene through sexual appeal.
To be brutally honest with you, it’s quite an irony for me to be talking about this topic because being seductive and being a sexy man never came naturally to me. To give you some perspective, let’s take a step back to a few years ago. The year was 2011 and I was a young, frustrated, and angry 18 year old high school senior with a squeaky voice that would crack every time I tried to talk to a girl, even if it was someone I wasn’t even remotely attracted to.
At the time, I was skinny, physically weak, swimming in my clothes, and socially awkward. To top it off, I had some pretty bad social anxiety. As I paint this portrait for you, you can already see the splitting similarities between me and the actor Ryan Gosling (I’m kidding).
All jokes aside, I was not in a good place and incredibly far from having any sex appeal whatsoever. Deep down inside, I felt really lonely and repulsive to the opposite sex. While everyone around me was hooking up and getting dates to the senior prom, I was getting rejected left and right.
Call me a traditionalist, but I didn’t want to be one of those guys who goes to the senior prom without a date. The tipping point for me was when I asked a mutual friend of mine to go to prom with me “as friends.” At the time, I felt it was harmless and low-pressure because I wasn’t attracted to her and I knew she didn’t have a date to prom.
What surprised me was when she said, “I’m really sorry Rob, you’re a really nice guy but I had agreed to go with my friend Grace as she has no one to go with to prom.” I walked away and just said, “It’s cool, no big deal.” In reality, it was a big deal to me, beneath my calm surface; internally I was completely crushed and demoralized.
Even a girl I just wanted to take to prom as a friend, someone I had absolutely no emotional investment in, didn’t even want to go to senior prom with me. I decided to skip out on the event since I couldn’t get a date, and that moment set off a journey of non-stop self-improvement and self-discovery to conquer my deepest insecurities as a man with no sexual appeal.
The reason I share this story is to show you that even if you feel like you have no sex appeal and feel repulsive to women, there’s hope. With the right amount of initiative, motivation, and consistency, you can learn how to become sexy and seductive to women.
That moment took me on a five year roller coaster where I had a lot of failures and successes. If you’ve gotten up to this point, I can tell you, it won’t take you years to figure it out like I did. At the time I had no direction, clarity, or a step-by-step action plan to execute. All I had was my gut instinct and the desire to become attractive.
I can’t guarantee that you’ll be successful overnight, but if you’re consistent, internalize these concepts, and treat the world around you as one gigantic lab experiment, you’ll be well on your way to becoming an attractive and sexy man. I will lay out a step-by-step guide that’ll give you direction in improving your sexual appeal and show you how to become sexier and seductive to the opposite sex.
Step 1: Mindset
No matter what anyone says, you can never ever build a strong house on a shitty foundation. You have to forge the right mindset and attitude before ever embarking on this plan. Before we get into the technical and tactical part of dating (you can ask anyone of my former students), in the beginning we spend most of the time on developing your core confidence.
It’s never about shortcuts or quick fixes. I can spend all the time in the world helping you improve your external appearance and feed you the best lines and banter to say to a girl. But at the end of the day, if you don’t truly believe you’re attractive, then you’ll never be attractive.
Our brains are incredibly powerful tools, and as human beings we totally underestimate the mental capacity and ability we have due to factors outside of our control. Sometimes it’s a matter of cultural differences, while other times it’s negative experiences that have compounded from childhood to adulthood that creates a negative feedback loop, or factors such as our genetic predispositions like height, hair loss, or physical disability or disorder.
The Solution: Be Brutally Honest, Acknowledge, and Have Clarity
The first thing I have my clients do is to list what they like and don’t like about themselves. I have them write out their deepest desires, goals, ideal life, what they’re good at and what they’re bad at, and what self-limiting beliefs they have about themselves that’s holding them back from succeeding.
Now this exercise might seem pointless to the naked eye but the purpose of it is to have a visual reference and objective clarity of why they’re taking classes with me, why they believe what they believe in, and to provide a starting point in their journey.
It’s painful digging up bad memories and facing them, but overcoming that emotional and mental hurdle is essential to your success in dating and in life. The foundation of true confidence and being attractive is knowing exactly who you are, what you want, where you’re at, and where you want to go.
Besides making my students do this, I do this exercise every few years so I know that I’m happy, where I want to be, and most of all living a life of integrity. I don’t mean to romanticize the process, but before you ever do anything in life you’ve got to be brutally honest with yourself. What this exercise is meant to do is help you create your own philosophy and personal mission statement to live by.
The most successful companies in the world have company philosophies and mission statements. The reason why they’re so successful is because they have a visual goal and representation of what they’re about and to bring them back down to earth if they’re deviating from that code. My point is, before anyone can hold you accountable to your goals, you have to hold yourself accountable. No one else can tell you how to be happy, except yourself.
By having a core foundation and philosophy, you’ll always have a visual and psychological reference, and something to believe in every time someone challenges your confidence and what you believe about yourself. If you need some help constructing a visual representation of your philosophy, I recommend looking into Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs or picking up a copy of Seattle Seahawks coach Pete Carroll’s book, “Win Forever.”
Mindset is so vital. If you truly don’t feel good about yourself, believe in yourself, or have a purpose that drives you at the core, you never will be truly attractive. Quick fixes can only get you so far, and bad beliefs and emotions can only be hidden for so long. They’re like rotten vegetables in the back of your fridge. You can put more new stuff in front of it, but at the end of the day, that rancid smell will get stronger and make everything else in the fridge undesirable.
Step 2: Pursue Your Interests
There’s nothing that makes a man sexier than passion. I always tell my clients that they don’t need to go to bars and clubs all the time to meet and connect with potential mates. If that’s your thing and you’re genuinely happy going to bars and clubs, then by all means keep pursuing it! If you’re like me and you don’t enjoy going to bars and clubs all the time, then it’s essential for you to build your life up.
Like the last exercise in Step 1, you have to ask yourself if you’re genuinely happy with what you’re doing for a living, and what are the things in life that make you feel happy and incredibly fulfilled.
I’m well aware of the fact that everyone in life is in a different situation. Some people have financial constraints which prevent them from pursuing their interests. Other people have obligations such as taking care of their family. My point is, everyone has a different lot in life, but that doesn’t mean you can’t and shouldn’t pursue your interests.
I don’t mean to sound generic, but it’s true that people and women especially find men who have passions more interesting and attractive. It doesn’t matter how stupid or mundane you think your interests are, if it’s something like stamp collecting or video games, then own it! Talk about it, pursue it, write about it, and show the world that you’re proud of what you do, what you like, and that it makes you happy.
If you have no idea what you’re passionate about, take the time to list out the things you’re interested in and go to Meetup, Facebook, Google, or Eventbrite and start looking up events pertaining to that specific interest. Attend some of these events or start one if it doesn’t exist yet. You have to take the initiative and do the things that make you happy.
I can tell you that while I’ve picked up women from bars and clubs, and have had some really great and not so great relationships, my longest relationships where I’ve had the most chemistry and found someone with the same interests were at these type of events.
For example, I’m a huge fitness junkie and love challenging things like obstacle course races, bike marathons, and your occasional triathlon. I met one of my previous girlfriends at a fitness group I used to work out with in the park. We were both into health and fitness and besides the awesome sex, we would do tons of physical activities together and challenge each other. So get out there, be proactive with your interests, and start living your life because no one else can live it for you.
Step 3: Paint Job
Now onto the easy part. I call this part the paint job because you’re literally just giving yourself an external upgrade. Seeing that the last two steps were built around your core confidence, this part is usually the easiest step.
I’m no fashion expert, but if you want to start out, I’d recommend reading GQ and walking around the mall looking at all the mannequins and noticing how they’re styled so you know what’s in style and what works for you. As for grooming, look at it this way. Women spend hundreds if not thousands of dollars to look good to attract the right mate. So don’t walk around looking like a bum or try and sell yourself as the rebellious type, because it won’t work.
Look for a modern haircut or talk to your barber about what would work. Trim your beard, pluck your nose hairs out, and see a dermatologist if your face is messed up or you suffer from acne. If you’re balding, you can do one of two things: own your baldness and grow some five o’clock shadow so you look like a badass like Jason Statham, or invest in a hair transplant. (Male pattern baldness is so common, most women don’t care, some actually find it really sexy.)
Get a personal trainer or start hitting the gym. While we can’t alter things like our height, we can alter our appearance through exercise. You don’t have to have a body like Brad Pitt. As long as you feel good about yourself, fit into your clothes, and like who you are, that’s all that really matters.
If you struggle with insecurities about yourself, check out our article on the Most Common Male Insecurities for plenty of tips and strategies to deal with insecurities and not let them define you.
Step 4: Execution
If there’s one thing that cuts down the learning curve and makes the process a lot easier to execute, it’s seeking out a mentor. When I embarked on this journey, I found mentors in almost everyone around me. Just remember that while you may excel in one area, someone else around you will excel in other areas. Instead of envying people, find inspiration in them, even from the people you may dislike.
A lot can be learned by checking your ego at the door and being open to everything around you. If that young, angry, and frustrated 18 year old at the beginning of this article didn’t go on Google the next day or start looking for some mentorship in learning how to meet women and build his self-confidence, he’d still probably be stuck in the same place, blaming everything around him but himself as to why life sucks and why he’s lonely.
My point is, the process isn’t easy but it can be more effective and much faster with having a mentor and a community of like-minded people around you trying to solve the issue of improving you love life.
If I hadn’t stumbled upon Craft of Charisma or met Chris Luna, or had the support of the Craft of Charisma team and the people going through the Dating Mastery Class with me, I’d still be stuck in that perpetual limbo of trying to overcome all my emotional baggage and negative feedback loops.
For now, just stick with these four steps. In part two, I will get a little more technical and provide you a list of the quick fixes you can apply to increase your sex appeal with the opposite sex, what women find sexy in a man, and to improve your ability to seduce, connect, and date the girl of your dreams.
Take care for now, we’re always here for you guys!