“A smooth sea never made a skilled sailor”-Franklin D. Roosevelt
Just like learning any skill in life that you want to be great at, learning how to connect with people, meet women, secure a date, sexually escalate, and decide if you’re going to get into a relationship of some sort takes time, patience with yourself, patience with the process, consistent practice, consistent application, a clear idea of what you want , reflection, and eventually reaching your end goal. I’m well aware of the fact that I painted out a pretty clear formula for you but while it may look easy on paper, the reality is far from the truth. Like any journey you pursue in life you’ll have things that get in the way, problems that come up that need to be solved, challenges both mentally and emotionally to overcome, trauma and battle scars you pick up along the way, resolution of those issues, a bump in the road that sets you back a year, and getting back up again and repeating the process until you get to your finish line. This doesn’t only apply to finding the right person but it also applies to creating the best life you want for yourself. It’s not easy but learning how to get good at meeting women and finding love at the end of the day is worth the effort, time, and patience.
In the last four years I’ve been coaching, practicing, getting into a few relationships, and getting out of some I’m not going to paint a picture of myself as a zero to hero or a coach that’s trying to sell you on being a playboy ladies man like the characters you see on TV like Barney Stinson from How I Met Your Mother to Hank Moody from Californication. Like you I’m a normal guy who made a conscious decision to not settle or feel like a victim in my love life, my personal life, and professional life. I’m not perfect, I don’t dress like a GQ cover model, I wear black v-neck shirts, swear like a sailor, I love cheeseburgers, and live with my mom and dad while I’m finishing up my graduate degree in business and building two business from scratch. However, while I may not be a playboy or a creepy pickup artist, I’ve managed to hone in on my self-confidence through ownership of everything in my life from my biggest flaws and strengths and I’m pretty good and comfortable with women of all types. Doesn’t matter if she’s a Victoria Secret Angel or your Average Jane, women are women, and like us are human too.
I’m going to ask you a question “What is your definition of smooth?” The reason I’m asking you that is because perception is a very powerful thing. What you may perceive as smooth to your naked eye could be perceived as a totally different thing to another person.
For now since you’re looking at this from a perspective of an outsider I’m going to paint a generic, cookie-cutter picture of what you probably think smooth is:
Imagine you’re sitting in a bar at happy hour with a few of your friends enjoying a round of beers while engaging in the generic water cooler talk that you usually have at work. You’re talking about last night’s game, your team qualifying for the playoffs, and then the topic shifts over to women. A few of your friends are in relationships and talking about the ups and downs of being with their girl, you and other buddy are single, a little frustrated with the lack of prospects, and then all of a sudden as you’re sitting there shooting the shit with your buddies, you suddenly notice this stunning brunette sitting across from you at the bar with her girlfriends engaging in similar happy hour talk about their boyfriends, gossip from work, and talking about the hot guys and creepers at work coming down to HR to flirt with them.
As your trying to sit there and drink your beer, the taste suddenly disappears. Your friends become background chatter as your attention suddenly shifts to that stunning brunette across the bar, and you’re lost in the moment as you’re looking at her. You realize that she’s the pretty girl that works in HR at your agency and you’ve been trying for months to come up with the right words and way to go on about meeting her and getting a date despite your perceived constraints, fear of rejection, social alienation from your coworkers, and that asshole manager at work embarrassing you and also trying to make moves with that pretty brunette you’re crushing on. You suddenly feel like you’re back in high school again, sitting at your lunch table as your buddies are talking in the background.
Just like at work you freeze just like a deer in front of headlights of a car as you’re thinking whether or not you should make a move. All of a sudden you, you see this guy. He’s got short yet, slick and shiny hair parted to the right, a lean and chiseled face with 5 day stubble, and you can tell he just got off from work yet he still looks immaculate with his tie loosened and his nicely fitted button down with the sleeves rolled up. It looks like he’s part of the group seeing that all the girls including your work crush is engaging with him, they’re all laughing, high fiving, and then he moves into the seat next to your crush. Her post work stupor disappears and all of a sudden she’s giggling like a school girl, getting really touchy with him, and it’s as if they’re in their own world while all the other girls in that group shifted back to whatever they were talking about before he came in. He looks relaxed, animated, unfazed, and it’s as if he’s done this thing multiple times before. You suddenly feel like Steve Carrell’s character in the movie Crazy, Stupid, Love and that smooth operator that’s sitting across the bar from you is playing the Ryan Gosling to your Steve Carrell.
The group of girls head out and your girl and the smooth operator move to a more intimate part of the bar. Your buddies pay their tabs and you close your tab out. As you’re walking out you notice her again suddenly making out with him in the dimly lit corner of the bar. You leave the bar inconspicuous and unnoticed like how you enter and leave every situation in your life. You get into your car, think about what he has that you don’t have, you feel jealous, start self-pitying yourself, and then just give into your insecurities and accept that he was born smooth and that you’re just gonna to go back to your apartment, escape with pornhub.com, contemplate your feelings of loneliness, and crawl into your bed with the assumption that that’s how your life is going to play out again the next day, and the day after that, and the day after that….
I didn’t mean to make the portrait I just painted for you to be depressing or pessimistic but you’d be surprised to how this is the reality for a lot of men out there. I’m gonna let you in on a twist to this story. The smooth operator at the bar was just like you, the defeated protagonist. Only difference is he wasn’t born smooth, like him he was lonely, feeling defeated, and didn’t want to feel like a victim anymore. The smooth operator worked relentlessly at his craft which is improving every aspect of his life from finding love, making his passion his career, developing better relationships with his closest friends and family, and just building himself up and his internal and external confidence. Funny part is, the smooth operator doesn’t think he’s smooth, after a few years of working on himself he’s developed a better sense of who he is and to simplify this has developed his self-awareness.
As I’ve said thousands of times before, forget about perfection, forget about looking at the other guy’s lot in life, and forget about what you lack. Get rid of the idea of becoming smooth because there are trillions of different examples of guys who are smooth and attractive. It’s a really vague concept to talk about kind of like the subject of having charisma. If you want to become smoother with women, I’m going to narrow it down to a simple tips you can actively apply now to start building yourself up.
- Develop some self awareness. Figure out what makes you tick and actively figure out what your strengths and your weaknesses are. What may work for one person may not work for yourself. If at heart you’re an outgoing, gregarious, and enthusiastic kind of guy, then own that role and play to it to your advantage because no matter how much you try to hide your nature, it’ll eventually come out or if you’re the polar opposite of that, then that’s okay too. If you like solitude, thinking about your actions, and you’re just naturally laid back person, then own that too. Make her laugh, enjoy your quirks and hers, and don’t try to be something you’re not.
- Have a willingness and develop a tolerance to failure. Seriously, I encourage you to take more chances and put yourself out there. A lot of people beat themselves up for making attempts to improve their life and then fearing failure. It’s a simple fact of life, everyone fails, so be okay with it and keep pushing yourself to do the uncomfortable. Nobody became great overnight or had no failures. The most successful people in life have failed, only difference is they’ve leveraged it into a learning experience and have used it figure out what doesn’t work for them.
- Failing for the sake of failing is stupidity. While I may have just said go out there and take more chances and accept failure that doesn’t mean I’m telling you to NOT LEARN FROM IT! If you’re constantly making the same mistake please, actively troubleshoot the problem and figure out how to improve it. Ask yourself what you did wrong, consult a few friends and people you trust, take your emotions out of it and look at it objectively, and then attempt it again until you get it right, also study guys who you admire and look up too. Take what you think is useful and discard what is useless.
- Be flexible, every girl is different with different and unique experiences, and different outlooks. While you may have went all the way to home plate with one girl, that doesn’t mean it’ll be the same with the next girl. Adapt and adjust along the way and always try to see it from her perspective without being over-analytical.
- Reflect often, keep track of everything from your setbacks and milestones, and keep it in a journal, you’re a constant work in progress and as you get better you’re not going to realize and pickup on it. You see yourself every single day and as you level up in life, you gain more challenges. It’s good to have perspective and see what was once a hassle to you is not a big deal anymore.
- Focus on your own lot! Forget about the other guy and what he’s doing or what he has that you don’t have. Trim the hedges, cut the grass, plant some flowers. My point is take care of yourself, actively keep sharpening your strengths, find out your weaknesses and turn those into your strengths, and stop thinking every setback is a disadvantage. Let the obstacle become the way, each effort adds up, and do it better the next day. Forget about the end game, forget about being smooth, find joy in the process, and always think long-term and the bigger picture. This lesson not only applies to dating but developing your confidence and the life you want for yourself.
‘Til next time….Take care for now, we’re always here for you guys!
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