I recently had a long conversation with a student who just went through our spring Dating Mastery Class. If I could, I’d give him an MVP award for being the most consistent, coachable, and one of the hardest working clients I’ve ever worked with.
A lot of the men I’ve coached in the past have had varying degrees of anxiety and excuses preventing them from going for exactly what they want in life. But when it came to this guy, he’d feel the internal resistance that comes with cold approaching a pretty girl in a bar or club, and would immediately push himself forward despite the fear. As with anything worth pursuing in life, it always comes with varying degrees of pain and resistance along the way.
In the second to last class of this cycle, I talked with with him for a while about relationships and transitioning into them after learning the skill sets needed to meet, attract, court, and date the type of women you’re attracted to. By no means is he a novice when it comes to long-term relationships, as he’s been in a few before taking our classes.
But to give you some context about his specific situation, he’s met girls in the past that he’s liked, but no one who’s really exceeded his standards and expectations. In the beginning, his interest starts off high, he initially thinks it’s awesome, he’ll go on a few dates, have sex, and then over time he loses interest as the relationship gets stale and routine. To make a long story short, his specific question was “how do you know if you’ve found the right one?”
Even though in my previous posts I’ve mostly covered the early stages and processes of meeting, courtship, attraction, and the various steps of seduction with a girl you’re attracted to, I’ve never really taken the time to cover the aspect of relationships that involves getting into one, having standards, creating boundaries, and most of all developing good chemistry with a girl after you’ve gotten past the initial adventure of dating for a while.
I always tell my students that finding love is like going through puberty for a second or maybe third time depending on your unique situation, but most of all, as we go through this journey with all the crazy highs and lows, you always walk out with a better understanding of yourself and what you want.
Even after my years of going through this process multiple times, failing, succeeding, eventually finding someone, breaking a few hearts, and having my heart broken, I’ve come to learn that we don’t truly know who “the one” is or is going to be. I’ve talked to colleagues in my field, psychologists, and fellow coaches I work directly with to gain a better understanding and different perspective on finding the ideal mate.
All I can say is, everyone is different with unique tastes, quirks, fetishes, and personality traits. The best way to really know is to view dating and the world as your giant lab experiment and explore your curiosities while you still can. As we get older, what we found attractive at one point may not be the case any longer.
I’m sorry to say that the dating game is filled with unpredictability, emotional twists and turns, zig-zags, and pain. But it’s also quite exciting, filled with personal growth, a process of self-discovery, amazing highs, and every now and then your fun cheap thrill if you have no clear idea of where to start or what you specifically want.
For the hungry mind, I know I can’t leave this post without any constructive tips, advice, or a specific action plan to help you out, so let me lay out a few tips if you’re worried about not finding the one.
Tips for Finding the Right Girl
1. Get your mind right.
As much as television, movies, and social media may try to paint a perfect picture of the world being full of sunshine and rainbows, get the idea of trying to find the perfect mate out of your mind and focus on finding someone who makes you happy and can grow with.
A lot of dating experts and people who’ve been in multiple relationships don’t talk about this part, but at some point and one way or another we’re all going to have to compromise and understand that human beings, both men and women, all have their own baggage, flaws, circumstances, and quirks that we will have to accept.
Just remember that we change over time, compounded with experiences and lessons. What you find attractive today may not be the same five years down the line. It’s important, especially if you have absolutely no idea what you’re looking for, to go through the phase where you date different types of women, be open to failure, and learn about what you like and what you don’t like.
2. Create a milestone list and interest list.
I don’t care if it’s a few musings on a piece of paper, a Word Document, or even a journal. You’re never going to have clarity unless you have something to refer to and improve upon. This is a tip I picked up from my long time mentor and good friend, Chris Luna.
Besides journaling to keep a daily log of my thoughts, musings, goals, and something to manage my various emotional states, I keep a separate journal where I’ve written about every single girl I’ve ever dated, been in a relationship with, succeeded with, and failed with. Because it’s personal and for my eyes only, I go all out with every single detail and thing I learned, including what I liked about them, what I didn’t like, and what I could do better next time another special girl comes into my life.
By no means is this meant to diminish or objectify any of the prior women I’ve ever been with or dated. But it serves as a reminder and a compass to reorient myself every time I run into a roadblock, to know and understand if this is someone I “genuinely” like or if I’m looking in the wrong places.
Along with that, create a list of what you’re looking for in a girl. The more specific you are, the more clarity you’ll have. Don’t just include physical traits. Write down values and personalty traits you’re looking for as well. Update it every few years or after you’ve come out of a relationship.
It’s good to gain perspective. I’ve looked at a list I wrote two summers ago after coming off a really bad break up. What I found after looking at my list was that it had drastically changed. This goes back to my original point: what we might be attracted to now may not be what we’re attracted to as we gain more experience. I know for a fact that what I liked when I was 18 is nothing what I like now as a 24 year old.
3. You’re attracted in the beginning, but the true test comes when you’re comfortable with her.
Initially, our arousal and attraction towards a girl is high in the beginning of a relationship. As time goes on and the longer we’re with that person, attraction goes down and comfort gets higher. I’ve noticed that with a few of my ex-girlfriends.
I remember specifically this girl I had dated during my junior year in college. She was my exact physical type, slender, with hazel colored eyes, brunette, and with an olive skin complexion. While I was really into her in the beginning, over the months as we got more comfortable with each other, we started to take each other for granted, which is completely normal in any relationship, whether it’s romantic, with your friends, professional, or even family.
A lot of my friends and random strangers would tell me how pretty she was, but because I was comfortable with and around her a lot, I really didn’t see her through those rose-tinted shades like everyone else. Just remember, this is completely normal and expected as you’re around someone a lot. The worst thing you can do is to stop growing, have your relationship turn into a one way street, or completely stop being your real self.
Relationships are a two way street with compromises here and there. But the most important part is to maintain that integrity, growth, compassionate love, and mutual respect towards each other as you develop your chemistry and relationship once you’re past the initial passionate love-filled honeymoon phase where everything feels like a rom-com with all the perfect tropes, cute running gags, sunshine, and rainbows.
4. Pursue your interests.
I cannot emphasize this enough. You are more likely to find your ideal partner or someone you have good chemistry with by pursing whatever it is you’re interested in. Build a diverse and unique social circle around your hobbies, quirks, and interests. It doesn’t matter if it’s pet rocks anonymous or a weekly cooking class. Utilize the tools, tips and skills that I have provided in my previous articles or send me a shoutout on here or social media if you get stuck.
If you don’t know where to start, create a list of your interest or hobbies. If you’re still having trouble, start off with general things like fitness, wine tasting, sports, or books. Go to Eventbrite or Meetup and create a profile. Seek out events with your specific interests and fill your week with what you enjoy doing. Get social, create a vibrant life, gain some experience, and you’ll soon start figuring it out.
‘Til next time… Take care for now, we’re always here for you guys!