Not missing out on “The One.” (Relationship Series Part I)
-by Rob Virges
I had recently had a long conversation with a student who just went through and finished all ten weeks of the Dating Mastery Class for this spring cycle. If I could, I’d give him an MVP award for being the most consistent, coachable, and one of the hardest working clients I’ve ever worked with. A lot of the men I have had to coach & support in the past have had varying degrees of anxiety and excuses preventing them from going for exactly what they want in life, when it came to him specifically, he’d feel the internal resistance that comes with cold approaching a pretty stunner in a bar or a club and will immediately push himself forward despite the fear. With anything worth perusing in life, it always comes with varying degrees of pain & resistance along the way. In the second to last class of this cycle, I talked with with him for a while about relationships and transitioning into it after learning the skill sets needed to meet, attract, court, and seduce the type of women you’re attracted to. By no means is he a novice when it comes to long term relationships as he’s been in a few before taking our classes but to give you some context about his specific situation, he’s met girls in the past that he’s liked but no one whose really exceeded his standards and expectations. In the beginning, his interest starts off high, he initially thinks it’s awesome, he’ll go on a few dates, have sex, and then over time he loses interest as the relationship gets stale and routine. To make a long rant short, his specific question is “how do you know if you’ve found the right one?”
Even though in my previous posts I’ve mostly covered the early stages and processes of meeting, courtship, attraction, and the various steps of seduction with a girl you’re attracted to, I’ve never really taken the time to cover the aspect of relationships that involves getting into one, having standards, creating boundaries, and most of all developing good chemistry with a girl after you’ve gotten past the initial craze and adventure of dating for a while.
I always tell my students that finding love is like going through puberty for a second or maybe third time depending on your unique situation but most of all, as we go through this journey with all the crazy highs and lows, you always walk out with a better understanding of yourself and what you want. In truth, even after my years of going through this process multiple times, failing, succeeding, eventually finding someone, breaking a few hearts, & having my heart broken in the process multiple times, I’ve come to learn that we don’t really know or truly know who “the one” is or is going to be. I’ve talked to colleagues in my field, psychologists, and fellow coaches I work directly with to gain a better understanding and a different perspective on finding the ideal mate. All I can really say is, everyone is different with unique tastes, quirks, fetishes, and personality traits. The best way to really know is to view the dating game and the world as your giant lab experiment and explore your curiosities while you still can. As we get older, what we found attractive at one point may not be the case at another point.
I’m sorry to say that the dating game is filled with unpredictability, emotional twists, turns, zig zags, and pain but, it’s also quite exciting, filled with personal growth, a process of self-discovery, amazing highs, and every now and then your fun cheap thrill if you have no clear idea of where to start or what you specifically want.
For the hungry mind, I know I can’t leave this post without any constructive tips, advice, or a specific action plan to help you out so let me lay out a few tips if you’re worried about not finding the one:
- Get Your Mind Right:
- As much as television, movies, and social media may try to paint a perfect picture of the world being full of sunshine and rainbows, get the idea of trying to find the perfect mate out of your mind and focus on finding someone who makes you happy and can grow with. A lot of dating experts and people who’ve been in multiple relationships don’t talk about this part, that at some point and one way or another we’re all going to have to compromise and understand that human beings, both men and women have baggage, flaws, circumstances, and quirks that we will have to accept as we all have our own baggage, flaws, circumstances, and quirks. The most important part is to remember that we change over time compounded with experiences and lessons, remember what you might find attractive today may not be 5 years down the line. It’s important especially if you have absolutely no idea what you’re looking for to go through the phase where you date different types of women, be open to failure, and learning about what you like and what you don’t like.
- Create a Milestone List & Interest List
- I don’t care if it’s a few musings on a piece of scrap paper, a word document, or even a journal. You’re never going to have clarity unless you have something to refer to and improve upon. This is a tip I picked up from my long time mentor and good friend, Chris Luna. Besides journaling to keep a daily log of your thoughts, musings, goals, and something to manage your various emotional states, I keep a separate journal where I’ve written about every single girl I’ve ever dated, been in a relationship with, succeeded with, and had failed with. Because it’s personal and for my eyes only, I go all out with every single detail and thing I learned, liked about them, didn’t like, and what I could do better next time another special girl came into my life. By no means is this meant to diminish or objectify any of the prior women I’ve ever been with or dated but, it serves as a reminder and a form of a compass to reorient myself everytine I run into a roadblock, to know and understand if this is someone I “genuinely” like, or if I’m looking in the wrong places. Along with that create a list of what you’re looking for in a girl. The more specific, the more clarity. Don’t just include physical traits, write down values and personalty traits you’re looking for, basically a pros and cons list. Update it every few years or after you’ve come off a relationship. It’s good to gain perspective. I’ve looked at a list I wrote two summers ago after coming off a really bad break up and what I found after looking at my list, it had drastically changed. Which goes back to my original point, what we might be attracted to now may not be what we’re attracted to as we gain more experience. I know for a fact what I liked when I was 18 years old is nothing what I like now as a 24 year old.
- You’re attracted in the beginning, but the true test comes when you’re comfortable with her.
- Over time initially our arousal and attraction towards a girl is high in the beginning of a relationship, but as time goes on and the longer we’re with that person, attraction goes down and comfort gets higher. I’ve noticed that with a few of my ex-girlfriends. I remember specifically this girl I had dated during my junior year in college. She was my exact physical type, slender, with hazel colored eyes, brunette, and with a olive skin complexion. While I was really into her in the beginning, over the next few months as she’s gotten comfortable with me and as I’ve gotten comfortable with her, we started to take each other for granted, which is completely normal in any relationship whether it’s romantic, with your friends, professional, or even family. I remembered specifically how a lot of my friends and random strangers would tell me how pretty she was but because I was comfortable with and around her a lot I really didn’t see her through those rose tinted shades like everyone else. Just remember, this is completely normal and expected as you’re around someone a lot, the worst thing you can do is to stop growing, having your relationship turn into a one way street, or completely stop being your real self. Relationships are a two way street with compromises here and there, but the most important part is to maintain that integrity, growth, compassionate love, and mutual respect towards each other as you develop your chemistry and relationship once you’re past the initial passionate love filled honeymoon phase where everything feels like a rom com with all the perfect tropes, cute running gags, sunshine, and rainbows.
- Pursue your interests.
- I cannot over-emphasize this enough. You are more likely to find your ideal partner or someone you have good chemistry with by pursing whatever the hell it is you’re interested in. Build a diverse and unique social circle around your hobbies, quirks, and interests. I don’t care if it’s pet rocks anonymous or a weekly cooking class. Utilize the tools, tips and skills that I have provided in my previous articles or send me a shoutout on here or any of the various social media platforms I provide to you at the end of every post if you get stuck. If you don’t know where to start create a list of your interest or hobbies. If you still don’t have any idea of where you want to start of what you like, start of with general things like fitness, wine tasting, sports, or books. Go to eventbrite.com or meetup.com and create a profile. Seek out clubs with whatever specific interest it is and fill your week up with with whatever it is you’ve always wanted to do. Get social, create a vibrant life, and fill your dating life up until you’re overwhelmed. Gain some experience, If you want to get more general than that, you can try singles events or speed dating.
Til next time….Take care for now, we’re always here for you guys!
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