-by Rob Virges
“I just don’t get it Rob, I don’t know what went wrong with our relationship. I loved her, I literally did everything for her, always went out of my way to make her happy, bought her whatever she wanted, emotionally supported her whenever she needed it, and the end of it all, it lead to a world full of heartbreak, distrust, and an utter resentment towards women.”-Former Student, Recovering Nice Guy
We’ve all seen that trope and character device used in thousands of films and TV shows, the nice guy protagonist who serves as the hero we can relate to in whatever story. In terms of characteristics, he’s a guy we can all relate to in some way, shape or form. He’s either very smart but physically weak, has low social status, low confidence, not blessed in the looks department, or a combination of all all these characteristics. Our protagonist goes through a crucible throughout the bulk of the story where he fights the stronger and more dominant adversary, defeats him, and at the end of the story wins over his beautiful and high status love interest and rides off into the sunset.
I’d hate to break it to you, but life doesn’t work this way and if it did we’d all be riding off into the sunset with Olivia Culpo riding shotgun in a convertible with piles of cash in the trunk.
As I’ve already mentioned thousands of times before, in my line of work, I’ve dealt with and coached men from various walks of life, one of the most common types that I’ve had to work and deal with were men that we refer to as “recovering nice guys.” That doesn’t mean we train men with nice guy syndrome to become the polar opposite of that, but what a lot of people don’t understand is that nice guy syndrome stems from a lot of deep seated emotional baggage and traumas that we’re not going to get into in this article. A few years ago we did a podcast with a world renowned expert who specifically specializes in effectively dealing this phenomenon, Dr. Robert Glover. You can listen to the podcast by clicking the link below which will lead you to more information about him, links to his website, and social media:
Now before I get into the meat and potatoes of this, what exactly is Nice Guy Syndrome?
The textbook definition of a “Nice Guy” is a term describing a man ranging from the ages adolescence, young adulthood, or sometimes middle aged where he feels entitled to dating a girl simply because he has been her best friend, constantly goes out of his way for her, and in some cases let her cry on his shoulder about another guy she’s frustrated about. When the nice guy’s love interest rejects his advances whether it’d be emotionally or romantically, he chooses to blame it on her and guilt her into some kind of relationship with him because of the fact that he’s such a nice guy and that she’s only attracted to jerks.
While this definition only scratches the surface of this phenomenon, it doesn’t cover all the bases. Let’s look into the motivation’s of a guy afflicted with “Nice Guy Syndrome”
A nice guy’s primary goal is to make other people happy. Now don’t confuse that with genuine compassion and kindness. Men afflicted with “Nice Guy Syndrome” are motivated and specifically dependent upon external validation and avoid conflicts or any type of confrontation like the plague. They are guided by three covert contracts that they’re not consciously aware of:
“If I’m a good guy, then everyone will love me, like me, and people I’m sexually attracted to will desire me.” “If I take care of other people’s needs without them having to ask, then they will meet my needs without me having to ask for anything in return.” “If I do everything right, then I will have a smooth & problem free life.”
While these three statements sound completely asinine and unrealistic, on an unconscious level, nice guys actually believe in some variation or form of these covert contracts. Because most nice guys believe they have kept their end of the bargain, they often feel resentful and helpless when other people don’t fulfill their end of the contract.
Characteristics & Traits of Nice Guy Syndrome: A man who if he has a significant other or a dominant female figure in his life, she will lead, dictate, and scrutinize his every action and run the show. A man who will often go out of his way even if it’s incredibly inconvenient and just completely illogical for anybody but, whose own life seems to be completely out of order. A man who will often agree with everyone and change his viewpoint to appease, make the other person happy, and avoid conflict. A man who will let anyone walk completely over him because he doesn’t want to rock the boat. (Think of Marty McFly’s dad from Back to the Future) A man who is completely dependable and will never say no to anything but, will never assert himself or let people know they’re imposing on him. Often seeks the validation and approval of others. Tries to hide their perceived flaws and mistakes. Always put other people’s wants and needs before their own. (There is nothing wrong with putting other people you care about before yourself but, nice guys take this to the extreme.) Sacrifice their personal power, space, and boundaries and often revert to playing the victim role. Often disconnected from other men and their own masculinity. Often self-loathing. Idealization of women and become passive aggressively manipulative and resentful towards women who have rejected them romantically or sexually. Often fail to live up to their full potential. Are often passive-aggressive. Often stay in one-sided and often toxic and abusive relationships. Are inherently deceptive and manipulative. Frequently get friend zoned. Often have ulterior motives. Indecisive. Emotionally needy.
(Disclaimer: For the sake of explaining this phenomenon, just take the next few paragraphs at face value, we don’t condone any sexism or sexist viewpoints.)
There are a lot of factors and variables that play into how men become afflicted with nice guy syndrome. It all goes back to that argument of nature vs. nurture. A lot of our personality is formed in childhood and into adolescence. With how western society has evolved in the last 100 years, a lot of variables factor into how boys are socialized as their growing up. With the rise in divorces, a lot of boys don’t get a chance to grow up with a strong male figure in the household to model their behavior after, bond, and establish their masculinity, along with some mothers who have developed very skewed and unrealistic perceptions of how men should be that they socialize into their boys at a young age.
The education system is predominantly dominated by women which further reinforces those previous points. With young boys growing up with no adult men present as role models, high divorce rates, and the rise of radical feminism that has demonized, emasculated and shamed men for everything wrong with modern society and has added to the confusing narrative of how men should behave, these macro viewpoints plays into why nice guy syndrome is so prevalent with today’s generation of men. Hollywood also reinforces the “nice guys finish first” narrative with romantic comedies which lead to more confusion among young males.
Upbringing plays a huge role in the development of these behaviors. I briefly mentioned role models and the role model for a young boy is his father. Men who suffer with nice guy syndrome often had weak or absent fathers in their upbringing. They never had a chance to bond or develop the framework for what it means to be a guy or how a man should behave.
Even if a masculine adult male was present in their son’s upbringing, he might of also been physically or emotionally abusive. This causes young boys to internalize the belief that they want to be the extreme polar opposite of their father or stepfather but, this often leads to a flawed strategy, while it’s good the nice guy will toss out the abusive traits and character flaws of their father or stepfather, they will also toss out the sensible and reasonable traits such as leading, being dominant, and being assertive.
Lastly, incredibly strict parents or dominant older siblings have the potential to make a young boy internalize beliefs that his needs are less important than the needs of the other. Parents who are socially conservative, culturally conservative, or very religious may raise boys that are confused about their sexuality, how their gender should behave, and be ashamed of their sexual desires.
How to Constructively Deal With It:
Have Boundaries, They Are Healthy & Sexy: For an in-depth guide on how to build strong boundaries, please refer to the link below The Guide to Strong Boundaries Nice guy’s don’t have clear limits for what they regard as acceptable behavior. Don’t compromise your values or what you believe in for short-term benefits, understand that you can’t please everyone and that it’s okay. Even if it’s a girl that’s beautiful and physically attractive, don’t tolerate her bad behavior and be afraid to walk away if she doesn’t respect you, what you stand for, or your values. The same goes of other people too. Hang out with ambitious people and men that you respect. You are the five people you choose to surround yourself with whether you choose to believe it or not. Don’t surround yourself with people who aren’t going to help you grow, change, and evolve. Women are human too Whatever idealized vision or viewpoint you have on women understand like you, they are not perfect. You should neither idolize them and put them on the pedestal nor demonize them and look down upon them. Accept that fact and start treating women like your equal. Embrace your masculinity, don’t be ashamed of it. If there’s one reason why nice guys always deserve to finish last is that they are inherently dishonest. Yes, I said it, nice guys are dishonest. You shouldn’t ever be afraid to go for what you want as a man whether it’s a passion, a hobby, career, and even women you’re attracted to. Don’t lie or bullshit yourself about what you want as a man, go out there and risk failure and embarrassment if you have to, you’re only lying to yourself if you don’t go for what you want. Whether you think your dreams and goals are stupid or not, who cares? Only you should care about what you think at the end of the day. Refer to these two articles:
‘Til Next Time,
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