By Rob Virges
“How to Flirt with a Girl?”
“How do you actually flirt with a girl?”
“What do I say to her that’ll make her laugh and banter back with me?”
Ahhh Flirting, a fun art I should say full of unfiltered fun and an unpredictable amount of sexual tension. The other day I was hanging out, having dinner with my little brother and our waitress came by with the bill. One thing led to another with our waitress and before I knew it we were engaged in this back and forth sexual innuendo laden banter about food, the restaurant business, and her personal life. After she left with my credit card I turned over to my little brother who had the look in his face as if he had seen a ghost. He then went on for the rest of the time after dinner including the car ride asking me and telling me that I was a very good flirt. I’m not telling you this story to brag about how good I am at flirting but, on the contrary there was a point in my life where I couldn’t even say something witty to a girl without sounding like a creep.
You’re probably asking yourself now at this point “What does it matter if I know how to flirt with a girl or not?” It matters a whole lot and a lot of my clients ask me: Hey Rob, what is the fastest way to become interesting to a girl you like? How do you come off as charismatic to her? How is it after talking to her for less than 10 minutes that there’s so much sexual tension between you and the girl? My answer other than my stunning good looks (I’m kidding) is flirting. Flirting is how you arouse a girl’s interest and plant the seeds in her mind to make her start feeling and imagining the two of you getting together. Once, you’ve gotten her feeling it and thinking about it in a fun and suggestive way, you’re not far off to bringing that fantasy into a reality.
Just like in my previous posts we’re going to take a look at the behaviors and mistakes men do when it comes to flirting with women. The mindset behind a successful dater who instinctively knows how to flirt, and where to get started if this is an area you’re frequently struggling with when it comes to attracting the opposite sex.
Why men make mistakes flirting with women:
Flirting naturally doesn’t come as second nature to most men. Most men just really don’t know how to be subtle, and they don’t really know how to tease and excite women the way women know how to naturally tease and excite men. Like that old psychology adage goes “most of your personality is formed during your childhood.” As it works out, the majority of flirting done by small children is done by young girls and is pretty consistent as the children get older. Girls are talking, touching, and gossiping with their fellow girlfriends whereas boys are running around, scuffling, and engaging in aggressive behavior with other boys. What this ends up breeding is a highly attuned sense of emotional awareness and essentially a better understanding of how to flirt effectively for women which leaves a lot of men at a natural disadvantage. When most men new to the dating game try to flirt it comes out as forced, sometimes overly direct, and unintentionally awkward. Don’t worry, that doesn’t mean you’re doomed and that flirting isn’t a learnable skill.
Flirting 101 (Mindset):
Before you go on to finishing reading this article I highly recommend that you go on YouTube and look up “Craig Ferguson Flirting” or “Russell Brand Flirting” or “Hank Moody Flirting”. Now at this point I know you’re wondering “What does a late-night talk show host, a stand-up comedian, and a fictional writer who spends a lot of time drinking and loathing himself have to do with learning how to flirt? There are a lot of things to pick up from watching a few minutes of each of these characters that I just mentioned but if there’s one thing you’ll notice about them is that they’re having fun.
The mindset and mental model you should apply before you ever start flirting with a girl you’re attracted to is to fundamentally understand that flirting is fun. These guys pull the people they’re communicating with into their world and let them feel part of the joke but not in an insulting manner. If you have any little brothers and sisters, older siblings, or even younger cousins just think of all the times you’d engage with them. Think of how you’d tease them about the little things all in the name of having fun. You’d still be playful and have them feel more connected to you as a result. The same applies for flirting with women, being playful and having fun engaging them in banter that emotionally stimulates them to feel more connected and sexually attracted to you.
Now that we’ve gotten mindset out of the way, let’s get into the quick fixes that’ll help you turn every interaction with the girl you’re attracted into a fun filled advantage.
Flirting is a silent language spoken by men and women around the world. The ways people communicate interest are rooted so deeply in human nature that the signals are understood by all. It has a parallel to our animal counterparts. The behavioral displays animals engage in to signal not only their availability for mating but, their suitability as a mate. The gestures and movements used in flirting also provide clues to biological and psychological health.
Flirting 101 (Application):
My point is flirting is not a trivial activity, like learning how to be the best and most well rounded dater, it requires a few basic skills that you can hone: Intellect (wit), body language, creativity, and empathy. Just like how I told you to look up those three people (Craig Ferguson, Russell Brand, and Hank Moody) I want you to pick someone in your life that you think and feel is a good flirt. It could be someone you’re close to like your father, your mother, your best friend, it could be someone you admire or aspire to be like such as you co-worker or mentor, or you can do what I did when I was learning this, find videos of the best flirts like Craig Ferguson and Russell Brand. I want you to take that person and imagine as if you were in their shoes. Model their body language, their tone of voice, how they would interact with a girl you’re attracted to, and pretend. I remember when I took an acting class a while ago and this is one of the lessons they utilized when getting into character.
Take someone you admire and put on their persona as if you were putting on a mask. That doesn’t mean I want you to completely take on their persona and disregard who you are, the main takeaway from this first exercise is to internalize and take some of the best traits from these people that will help you flirt better with the women you’re attracted to. Do this consistently for a few weeks and just watch a video, listen to a podcast, or recording of them. Practice for at least 30 minutes a few times a week until you have some of the fundamentals down such as body language, humor, and tonality down.
I remember when I was first learning how to flirt and to push my boundaries. I would practice on as many people as possible just so when it came to flirting with women I was attracted to, it was already second nature. I recommend after going over the first exercise that you try flirting with as many people as possible, so it’s not weird to your closest friends, family, and peers I recommend that you try it out on random strangers. I used to practice as I would run errands. Sometimes it’ll be the grocery store clerk, the sales reps in the mall, old women, waitresses, and the front desk girls that work at the gym. The point is it wasn’t a huge risk because I didn’t know them and that it wasn’t likely that I would ever see them again, this also gives you a chance to see how far you can push your own threshold and the person you’re interacting with and just calibrate it based on their non-verbal feedback.
Skill-Sets & Quick Fixes:
- Banter is defined as “the playful and friendly exchange of teasing remarks.” Being able to banter when you first start talking to a girl you’re attracted to is one of the most effective ways to get a girl’s attention right away. A lot of the times if the chemistry is already there, bantering just comes naturally. The problem lies when men who are new to flirting skew too far in one direction or another. Some men go completely overboard which makes a girl feel insulted, the opposite of this is when men such as shy and timid guys for example are too afraid to even attempt some form of teasing out of fear. So try to find the middle ground. What is the quickest way to learn how to banter, go hang out with your siblings and start teasing them like you already naturally do or if you can’t do that, go find your nearest acting theatre and sign up for an improv class, you’ll be able to hone your creative thinking and wit in one of these classes.
- Smirk; don’t give her a full blown smile.
- Nothing screams neediness or desperation in a man more than a huge, gleaming, pearly white (hope your brush) smile. Think of how James Bond smiles or even Hank Moody which at this point I hope you watched a few video compilations of him. Just imagine as if you just pulled a prank on your friend or when you were a kid and you pulled a prank on your teacher, you had a sly grin on your face that was a little pointed to the side. Think of smirking as the standard smile’s more seductive and flirty brother. It took me a while to get this down and the smirk is a good way of testing for attraction or receptivity with the opposite sex. When I was first learning how to smile properly, I’d smirk at every single girl I’d come across. Nine times out of Ten I would usually get reciprocated with either a full blown smile or a light smile with some blushing.
- Utilize Effective Compliments.
- If there’s one thing guys do consistently whether they’re novices or somewhat experienced is being too generous with their compliments, if not generous, completely unoriginal. Girl’s even if they’re moderately attractive to really attractive get bombarded with compliments that pertain to their looks. For the love of God please don’t tell her how pretty her eyes are or how good looking she is. Be original, the best way to get a girls attention and to make her feel special or unique is to compliment her on something she does. For example, if she’s into fashion, compliment her on her unique style. Or compliment her on how she does her hair and makeup, and that you love her attention to detail. This leads me to my next point….
- Remember the Small Things
- A man who remembers the little things and pays attention will go a lot farther. Women love it when you can remember random things about them such as the name of their dog, their random quirks, and even favorite foods. So when you’re chatting up a girl you’re attracted to, pay attention to the fine print and learn how to read between the lines. Casually mention the random details in your future interactions.
- Be multi-faceted
- Just as much as a girl wants to feel more than just another pretty face, she wants to know if you’ve got some substance behind you. Show multiple sides of yourself when you’re interacting with her. Be playful and easygoing and change it up by getting a little serious. Show your intellectual side, drive, humor, motives, and passions. Nothing turns a girl on more than a man who has a passion or vision for his life.
- Make everything funny.
- What men find funny and what women find funny are two totally different things. You don’t have to be a stand-up comedian to make her laugh. Make random observations about the environment around you and have a light hearted and cheeky comment about it or apply pop culture references to your interactions. For example, the New Year just started recently and I remember I greeted this girl a Happy New Year and started asking her if she did anything fun. She told me she had a pretty generic New Year’s Eve full of booze, socializing, and more booze. I followed up by asking her if her 2016 was as bad as everyone else’s, and she replied somewhat. I told her to look on the bright side and that 2017 won’t be as bad for her as it was for Mariah Carey (Watch her New Year’s Eve performance; you’ll see what I mean). She bursted into laughter and I’ll let you figure out the rest. My point is, you can make anything lighthearted and funny; it also pays to know pop culture and what’s going on around you.
- Build Sexual Tension
- Don’t be afraid to be seductive when you’re flirting with a girl, after all flirting is a huge part of seduction. Tension is a huge aphrodisiac and a great thing to take advantage of when you’re flirting. So if you’ve been pretty light hearted and fun with your flirting, you’re still getting a good reaction from her, switch gears and get a little seductive. A few ways to do this is try slowing your voice and tonality down, and take a lot of long pauses. The content of what you’re saying to her isn’t nearly as important as how you’re saying it to her. Hold eye contact with her as you’re doing this and keep that light smirk I mentioned earlier. Move in slowly and break her space, and don’t forget to touch her slowly and prolong your touch unless she tenses up. If she does tense up or is doesn’t respond, pull back for a moment and rinse and repeat.
- If you’ve done everything I’ve listed or most of it and have gotten up to this point in your flirting with her, it’s time to escalate the situation and kiss her. The best way to do this is once you’ve built enough sexual tension and have broken her space, look deeply into her eyes, then down to her lips, and back into her eyes again. Finish it off with your light seductive smirk. If she’s responsive nine times out of ten you’ll end up making out with her.
So there you have it, a comprehensive and quick guide on the mindset, application, and skill-sets you need to flirt with a girl you’re attracted to.
‘Til Next Time,
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