“How should I touch a girl?”
“Won’t I get smacked and have a drink thrown in my face if I decide touched a girl?”
“Isn’t it inappropriate to touch a girl?”
“I can’t touch a girl, I don’t want them to think I’m creepy, weird, or like Donald Trump.”
I’ve been in the dating scene for almost four years now, three of which I’ve spent coaching shy guys to move past their anxieties and irrational fears towards meeting and connecting with women. As a Craft of Charisma coach, touching is a subject that is just second nature at this point. I still can’t wrap my head around the fact that such a normal and human action can develop and leave such a strong and lasting connection.
Touch is one of the most basic forms of human connection. In life, we touch the people we’re closest to: our friends, family, and especially our romantic partners. It’s a sign that we’re past the surface level formalities and have created a deeper bond with them. In order to build romantic chemistry and trust with any girl, especially with one you’ve just met, it’s essential to break the barrier with touch.
In this edition of the Craft of Charisma “How-To” series, you’ll learn the fundamentals of touching a girl you’re trying to develop a connection with, what to look out for, and how to touch her in a way that will make you and her feel more connected to each other.
When to Touch
Before ever asking about “the how,” the first question you should be asking is “the when.” Always remember, everything in dating and courtship is a test. We utilize touch to test and see where she’s at and if she’s receptive to your advances.
When is the best time to touch her? Immediately. Yes, that’s right, immediately, as soon as you open her and introduce yourself. Whether it’s a simple introductory handshake, a quick hand on her shoulder, a fist bump, or an excited high five, connecting with her early on is important. This demonstrates that you’re friendly, comfortable in your own skin, and naturally expressive.
The longer you wait to make contact, the more awkward it’ll be for her and for you. As you and her continue to get to know each other, your touches should become more personal and intimate. The lead up to your first kiss with her should feel natural and smooth and not like a sudden display of affection. Whether it’s flirting with her verbally, touching, or any type of seduction, remember that “seduction is like a boiling pot of water, you SLOWLY turn the temperature up.”
The way you touch her reflects your personality, feelings, and intentions towards her. Always remember that the way you touch her is another form of communication with her. Don’t touch her and grab her hard like you would with your brother or best friend. At the same time, if your touch is too much like feint poking, you’re not projecting the right message to her either.
Like with everything in life, test and find the middle ground. Your touches should have a little weight but without being overwhelming. Start from her shoulder, to her elbow, fist bump her, or validate her with a playful high five and try and interlock your fingers with her for a short moment. If she pulls back and isn’t receptive, don’t be phased, she’s most likely not comfortable with you yet.
Like having a flirty conversation with her and getting her to invest in you, your touch should feel as natural and flowing as the conversation itself. As a rule of thumb, find the middle ground between the happy and affectionate drunk guy with the overwhelming hugs and the incredibly shy guy whose hands hover.
Touch Etiquette & What Not to Do
I felt it was necessary to include this section to reinforce the fact that each girl is different with a unique personality, threshold, different value system, and most of all different circumstances. What I mean is that a girl may or may not be receptive to your touches and advances due to a whole list of things.
She might have a boyfriend or be married, might not be interested, or might just be very conservative culturally or religiously. That doesn’t mean I’m discouraging you from practicing your skills. Just use your common sense, have social awareness, and be considerate. Pull back if she looks uncomfortable, pulls away, breaks rapport, or calls you out on any of it. Don’t make it dramatic, just pull back, keep talking to her, rinse, and repeat.
Don’t take any of it personally; oftentimes it’s usually just because she’s not comfortable with you yet. Continue with your playful flirting, making her laugh, getting to know her, strengthening your rapport, and most of all strengthening your connection with her.
The Levels of Touch
As I’ve mentioned before, touching is another form of communicating your intentions towards the girl you’re attracted to. Since I’m only teaching you the basics this week, I will keep it simple by providing you with a list of the different types of touches you can use to create a physical connection with the girl you’re attracted to.
Remember, seduction is a like a boiling pot of water, and to boil a pot of water you have to slowly turn up the heat. Start with small gestures and escalate your touches progressively to intimate touching if she’s receptive.
Introduction & Getting Past Being a Stranger
- Shaking her hand and holding it for an extra second
- Giving her a high-five
- Touching her elbow as you emphasize or explain something
- Touching her shoulder
- Validating her with light hugs (fist bumps and high-fives with a slight interlock)
Touching Her Like a Friend
Note: You can use the same types of touch from the previous list; just prolong your touch if she’s comfortable.
- Messing with her hair while hugging her from the side, like you would with a sibling or best friend
- When leading her anywhere, you’re holding her hand or guiding her with your hand on her lower back
- Resting your thigh against hers when she’s sitting next to you
- Placing your hand on her stomach
- Playfully flicking her nose after she looks down from you telling her she has something on her shirt
Seductive Touching Phase
- Place your hand on her thigh whenever you’re sitting next to her
- Slowly run your hand through her hair as you’re looking into her eyes
- Interlock your hand with hers as you’re talking to her
- Hold her around the waist and pull her hip against yours
- Touch the necklace she’s wearing while slowly brushing your fingers on her neck
- While sitting close, you run your fingers towards her inner thigh
- Take a long pause during a conversation, look into her eyes, then her lips and her eyes again and pull her in for a kiss
So there you have it, the fundamentals of touching a girl you’re attracted to. In part two of this series, I will expand on what we covered and share quick hacks on getting comfortable with touch, other ways you can practice, and the final phase of touching where you sexually escalate with her.
‘Til Next Time,