“Hey Rob, I understand that having a good mindset is primary when it comes to overcoming my fear of approaching women, but how do I refine the technical part?”
If you haven’t read part one of “How to Overcome Approach Anxiety,” then check that out first. If you already read it, made an active effort to re-frame your self-limiting beliefs about approaching women that you’re attracted to, and incorporated some of the “hard truths” into your new mindset, then go ahead and read on.
Recapping what we covered in part one, a lot of that anxiety you feel when it comes to approaching a girl you’re attracted to is a natural feeling and something you shouldn’t beat yourself up over. It happens to everybody at some point in their life, and it’s a completely normal feeling to have.
Approach anxiety is rooted in our natural biology and is meant to be a defense mechanism to protect ourselves from threats. While the threats aren’t physical, our brains can’t distinguish between a physical and psychological threat. The point is, a threat is a threat. A lot of approach anxiety is rooted in trying to protect ourselves from the emotional threat of rejection and social embarrassment.
Approach anxiety is an irrational fear of approaching women who you psychologically deem as too attractive for you. As I said in the previous article, knowledge is nothing without practical application and consistent practice.
Since I went over a lot of the causes of approach anxiety and how to mentally re-align yourself by providing you with new “hard truths” and debunking some common myths that men deal with when it comes to talking to attractive women, in this article I will go over tactics and drills you can use to effectively manage yourself and overcome the hurdle of approach anxiety.
Before I get into the specific tactics, I want to lay out a disclaimer that a lot of men seem to have a hard time believing. While I did say approach anxiety is completely normal, it’s also completely irrational, and it’s important to become mindful of that first and foremost.
More Hard Truths About Women & Dating
Approach anxiety will never completely go away
I have been coaching for the last four years and have been around the best dating experts and thought leaders in this industry, plus I’ve been actively going out for the last five years on top of that. While I may have a lot of experience in the dating scene, I still feel that hesitation and anxiety every now and then when I go out or meet that special someone.
What I will tell you is that you get better with managing it over time as you gain more positive experiences and the ability to cope with and re-frame the negative experiences. I still get the butterflies every now and then when I’m out actively approaching women. The only difference is that now I know how to manage my emotions, think rationally, and not let myself get paralyzed by that built in evolutionary instinct.
There are no shortcuts, special tricks, or quick fixes
Rejection hurts and it sucks, but that’s why I dedicated an entire article to cultivating your new mindset and beliefs, and building your inner self-confidence. It’s inevitable, and something I think every man has to go through in their life to effectively get what they want, whether it’s in their career, relationships, wealth, or health.
So understand, like a pro basketball player, you’re not going to hit your shots every night. You will fail, you will fuck up, and you will miss. It’s important to understand that most of your emotional, psychological, and personal growth happens during hard times, so toughen up, take it one approach at a time, and don’t take it personally.
A drill I used to apply myself, and something I make my clients do, is to keep score of every time they get blown out. The one with the highest score gets a free beer. The point of the drill is to help them develop a tolerance and desensitize themselves from rejection.
Before you can get good at any of the other skills we teach in our coaching programs, its important to be able to have the ability to bounce back from setbacks and not take rejection so seriously. Remember, each NO is building you up to that glorious YES!
Most of your assumptions and excuses are 99.9% bullshit
If you still haven’t read part one of how to overcome approach anxiety, please go back and hammer those hard truth mindsets in your soul!
Drills for Overcoming Approach Anxiety
Now onto the fun stuff. In the beginning, if you’re getting consistently paralyzed by approach anxiety, then I’d recommend ONLY doing this if you’re a beginner or have been out of the dating scene for a while.
I’m not training you to be socially unaware, so PLEASE once you overcome your approach anxiety, just be your normal self, don’t do weird shit, and use your common sense. These drills are meant to be fun and to gamify the process of overcoming your paralyzing approach anxiety.
Hit & Run 50
This drill is for guys who’ve never cold approached a girl in their life and are complete beginners. If you’ve been doing this for a while, then you can use this as a warmup to get yourself into a talkative and social mood.
The game is very simple. Just say hi to 50 strangers and introduce yourself. Walk up to a girl, introduce yourself, get her name, shake her hand, and walk away. You don’t need to worry about getting into a conversation, eliciting any attraction, or navigating your emotions and her emotions. Just simply get into a social mood and into the habit of approaching strangers.
Once you’ve approached 50 strangers, then you can call it a night. But in my experience, most guys never get to 50. After the first 5-10 approaches, they’ve already found a receptive girl, manage to have a conversation, and in some cases secure a date.
Crash & Burn
This is meant for guys who have a moderate amount of experience and have trouble approaching girls that they deem too attractive for them.
Once you enter a venue, you approach the most attractive girl there, open her with whatever you can think of off the top of your head (use your environment, but it could be a cheesy pickup line or something about yourself that you’re embarrassed about), and then transition into a normal conversation.
If you do get rejected, the rest of the night should be easy. You did the hardest approach, so it can’t get any worse that that if you get blown out!
I used to play this drill with one of my wingmen. It’s relatively simple, but I don’t recommend this if you have a gambling problem. You set a certain wager and an amount of approaches for the night. If you hit that number or go past it before your wingman, then you win the prize. It could be a bet, a favor, a drink, a dare, a steak dinner (you’re free to pick the wager at your discretion).
At the end of the day, there really are no secrets or shortcuts for overcoming approach anxiety. It’s just a matter of acknowledging your attraction towards a girl, being okay with resistance and rejection, and being proactive by taking the initiative to approach her.
You’re going to make mistakes here and there, but it’s okay. Failure is okay. You can’t learn or appreciate winning without losing first. So get out there, put yourself out there, and take charge of your love life!
‘Til next time… Take care for now, we’re always here for you guys!