-by Rob Virges
Student: “Hey Rob, I just don’t think I can approach that girl over there.”
Rob: “Why not?”
Student: “Well…I’m just too (insert excuse here)…..”
Every single class I’ve ever coached, with every single client in a unique situation, at one point or another I’ve always have gotten the question that always had to do with dating a girl or going for a girl whose out of their league. To put it in layman’s terms “Do looks matter & how can I go for a girl whose out of my league?”
As you already know I’m not one to sugar coat things and am here to tell you while in some cases looks may matter, on an evolutionary level women don’t value physical attraction as much as men do.
One thing I’ve learned after being on the job for a few years & swimming in the trenches with my students I can tell you to a certain extent looks and physical attraction will matter. But, here’s the catch. There are 4 billion people in the world today, half of that is women, another half of that is men. Which means there are different types, different variations, different standards, different experiences, different etc…
The point I’m trying to make here is this, what you might assume a girl might find attractive might actually not be attractive to her. Think about how there are really beautiful women that roam the street with their boyfriends. Now, I will tell you while some may have a similar level of physical attraction to the girl that they are with, there are some girls who are with guys that make you question and wonder what the hell you are doing wrong. My point is, looks can help with attraction and increasing your odds in the dating game but, it’s not the endgame. To clearly illustrate a few of these examples I’ve had clients who were Men’s Health Cover Models, Fitness Models, & Personal/Athletic trainers come in to take our classes.
My first instinct was, “Why are these guys coming in for coaching? They’re well groomed, physically attractive, healthy, and fit…” It wasn’t until I dug a little deeper and after a few sessions out in-field at the bars did I realize why they weren’t able to take advantage of the physical advantages they had already had. On the other hand my other clients who’d be typed as your stereotypical zeros were complete heroes making the most out of what we had taught them.
Now, we can’t change our heights, if that were possible I’d trade being 5’9 to be 6’3 in a heartbeat, it’ll make things a little easier since on average women are naturally attracted to taller men. In the past I’ve made it clear that you can improve your lot in life and in the dating game. Whether you’re short, skinny, fat, balding, or suffer from some kind of disability, there’s always a way. With that I’m going to leave you with some constructive tips to start going for the women that you deem are out of your league.
- Mindset is everything.
- In this exercise I encourage you to take a brutally honest assessment of yourself. Look in the mirror and create a list with your name at the top of it. One side is going to be strengths and the other side is going to be weaknesses. You’re going to write down what you think your character flaws are and what your strengths are. It’s going to hurt a little bit but you need to be honest first and foremost. Besides character strengths and flaws, I want you to include social skills if you have anything you want to specifically work on, and whatever else you think should be added on there. The next step is to turn those things into your goals. You’re going to make an active effort to improve upon your weaknesses, push yourself, and work with a growth mindset. I once watched an interview of Michael Jordan’s strength and conditioning coach and he perfectly quoted MJ’s mindset towards practice, he knew what his strengths were skill wise and what the weaknesses were in his game. MJ would say “I’m going to turn my weaknesses into my strengths.” In his 13 year career with the Chicago Bulls, every season there was a new dimension added into his game where it got to a point where he was virtually flawless with his execution. The point i’m trying to drive home here is accept what you cannot change about yourself but, change and improve what you can change. It’s going to be a long process but that’s essential if you want to succeed with women, your career, your passions, and in life.
- This is common sense but start taking better care of yourself.
- We can’t change our ethnicity, cultural background, our height, our natural appearances unless you do some form of cosmetic or plastic surgery but that’s a whole other topic for another day. My point is work with what you do have right now. I can tell you one thing you don’t have to look like a Men’s Health cover model but being healthy and in shape will do you a lot of wonders and help you in the long run. Emotions are contagious, if you feel good about yourself, people will feel the same way. Get fit, hire a personal trainer, get your nutrition in order, don’t skimp on your sleep or make an active effort to take more naps if you have an unconventional schedule. Start dressing better, now fashion is different for every guy and honestly if you have no place to start get on YouTube or GQ and start learning what’s going to work for you and what women respond well to, it took me a while to find a unique style that worked for me, but always keep in mind, fit is king. Doesn’t matter if you’re fat or in shape, this will make the difference. Lastly groom yourself, I don’t have to constantly keep repeating this but please pluck your nose hairs out, shave your mono-brow, get a shorter haircut if your balding or get a hair transplant if you can afford it, and trim your beard to something manageable like David Beckham’s beard. I talk about this a lot because the way you package yourself will make the difference in your results with women. Women spend hundreds if not thousands of dollars to attract the right mate, I’m not expecting you to do the same but understand it’s important that you make an active effort and package yourself better. It’ll increase your dating prospects and make the process a whole lot easier especially if you have natural disadvantages in the looks department.
- Build your value.
- I always often like to use the analogy of viewing yourself as real estate. Now like I always say, don’t be a douchebag and act as if you’re the real deal. What I do mean by this analogy is to start building your life up and start investing in yourself. Women are attracted to value. Now value can mean many different things could be financial value, social value, and what we teach, emotional value. The most important thing is to start pursing your interests or what you’re passionate about deep down inside. Fill your schedule up with random hobbies and things you’ve always had interest in, read a lot of books on anything that piques your interest, start hanging around better people who are equally motivated and as driven as you are, start building your career up if you’re not happy where you are, secure your finances, get social and build your networks up, and even though I already talked about it, keep up your health regimen. My point is, build your life up as much as possible, you don’t have to be whatever the hell it is you’ve always believed about yourself. High School and college is over, you can be whoever the hell you want to be, and nothing is more attractive to a woman then a man who has ambition and passions in life. You’ll always have something interesting to talk about or something interesting to do, you’ll naturally over time given that you’ve read and taken our previous advice to heart start to attract the women you once deemed out of your league. Stop focusing on your neighbors lot in life and start focusing on your own lot. Trim the hedges, plant some flowers, cut the grass, hose the dirt off your sidings, and in no time all the neighbors on your block suddenly will want to come over, hang out, and maybe emulate whatever it is you’re doing.
- She’s human too.
- Even before I’ve ever gotten good with women or had ever coached, somewhere deep inside I never believed in leagues or tiers and that anyone was capable if you truly set your mind to it. Remember every girl you see no matter how pretty they are is human just like you. She poops, eats food, has baggage, flaws, and obligations just like you. Don’t put her on a pedestal and don’t be intimidated at whatever it is she accomplished or whatever her level of attractiveness is. It’s incredibly difficult to put this into practice but I challenge you to find something that grounds you everytime you fall into the emotional thought process of her being better, that you’re not good enough, she’s out of my league because of x,y, and z. I still run into this every now and then where a girl will catch me by surprise but to be honest, I constantly have to remind myself that she’s human too and that I wouldn’t treat her any differently then how’d I treat my friends and family. If you’re still intimidated, then I recommend that you start small. Just get comfortable being around women, doesn’t matter if you’re not attracted to them the point is to systematically desensitize yourself to every single type of girl you come across until you get to the point where your comfortable in the world of women.
In a nutshell, there really isn’t any secrets to dating within your league or outside of your league, anyone is capable. 90% of this is mental and it’s important you cultivate your inner self-confidence along with your outer self-confidence. First and foremost always keep working on yourself and forget about whatever the other guy is doing or automatically disqualifying yourself because of whatever it is you perceive is a disadvantage.
Til next time….Take care for now, we’re always here for you guys!
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