Looks Don’t Matter to Women: A Guide on Developing Your Inner Confidence

“Never pick a fight with an ugly person, they’ve got nothing to lose.” – Robin Williams

The other day I wrote a post about going for girls that you deem out of your league, which provides some constructive tips on how to deal with this self-limiting belief.

I was recently out at the bar the other night coaching a client for a three-day bootcamp. We started with a few hours of going through the motions of digging into his background, belief systems, mindset, non-stop drilling, and role playing, before getting to the in-field portion of the class. After helping him manage his approach anxiety and eventually getting him to approach the first few groups of people, one thing caught my eye at the other end of the bar.

There was this tall 6-foot something guy who I would say had the textbook GQ cover model appearance going for him. While my student was busy conversing, I stepped over to see what was going on with him and these two pretty girls he was chatting with.

The first thing I noticed was the hostile body language that the girls had towards him as I got closer. Then suddenly, out of nowhere I saw one of them throw a drink in his face after he said something that I couldn’t really hear. He walked away with a snarky douchebag sounding laugh that reminded me of this pretentious guy I worked with at a country club I bartended at during my early college years.

Before I could walk over and ask those girls what was going on, my student popped up right behind me and told me that the girls he was conversing with had somewhere else to be, which was a clear signal to me that he got rejected. The job always comes first, and so I refocused my energy on him, cleaned up some mechanics, and moved him back into the next group before his anxiety could take over again.

As he was conversing again with another group of pretty girls, I decided to step back and try to find those girls who threw a drink into the anti-Ryan Gosling’s face, when all of a sudden I saw them chatting with this stocky and somewhat portly guy who had the appearance of a young Danny DeVito, but was well groomed and dressed to the nines.

What stood out about him was that he had the sense of humor of Ted the Teddy Bear. They were giggling, completely receptive to whatever it was he was talking about, and getting really touchy with him. His friend came in, who was taller and pretty chiseled. He introduced him and in my mind I was thinking, “Oh shit, game over.”

What actually ended up happening was, his friend winged him perfectly and kept her friend company as he went in to move the pretty brunette that threw her drink into the anti-Ryan Gosling’s face earlier to the lounge area of the bar.

To make a long story short, as my bootcamp session with my student was coming to an end for the night, and we were both heading towards the exit, I turned over to where the young Danny DeVito doppelganger took the pretty brunette. They were passionately making out in the corner.

It always blows my mind when I see these kinds of things, and I absolutely hate it when I see men, especially naturally handsome men with great careers and home lives, come into my classes and with bullshit excuses that all that women want in a man is looks, money, and being a complete douchebag.

While in some cases that may be true, you may want to step back and assess their values and yours if those are the types of women you’re consistently attracting in your life.

Without a doubt, physical health, good finances, and great relationships will help make you a more attractive man in the long run. But while they are part of the equation (every man has the ability to improve all three), they will only get you so far with women. All three may help you get in the door, but they’re not enough to keep the best or highest-quality women around for the long haul.

At the end of the day, these things are just surface-level qualities. Like the guy I mentioned in the example above, his x-factor that really put him in a position to meet, connect, flirt, and make out with the pretty brunette was the confidence he probably spent a long time cultivating.

One of the most common questions I get from my clients is

How to Cultivate Your Confidence?

There are two types of confidence: external confidence and internal confidence.

External confidence is finite. It’s defined by what people perceive about you on the outside. It could be defined by your status, social value, title, position in society, material and financial wealth, something you possess, and something that you’re very skilled or talented at. The point is, that type of confidence needs to be validated by the outside world and circumstances that are out of your control.

The latter is internal confidence, and in my opinion one of the hardest types of confidence to develop. It boils down to what you believe about yourself, your values, your belief systems, and the ability to cope and bounce back from the curve balls life throws at you.

Developing that killer instinct and having a strong presence takes time, but with enough consistent effort, you won’t second guess or doubt your ability to be the best version of yourself. Internal confidence is genuine and attractive, and the aim is to learn to build the mindsets and reaffirm to yourself that you’re more than capable of being attractive.

A strong house cannot be built on a weak foundation and that foundation boils down to building your internal confidence. There are several key benefits to this type of confidence and mindset:

  • The ability to move on and bounce back from rejection.
  • Be self-reliant instead of being needy.
  • Having the ability to lead not only women but people in general.
  • Taking full ownership and responsibility of your life.
  • Having healthy relationships with high quality women that you’re genuinely attracted to.

Affirmations to Challenge Your Self-Limiting Beliefs

1. I refuse to be a victim. No matter what happens, I take full ownership of my life and the circumstances that I can control. No one else can tell me how to be happy except myself.

If you don’t learn how to grab your own life by the balls, you’ll never get what you want in life. We’ve all failed in our lives at one point or another, especially with women. There was always a reason behind your failure; sometimes you had control and other times it was completely out of your control.

But you’ve gotta take the blame away from the external world, from the women who’ve rejected you, and even all the women you resent for making you feel like shit. In a nutshell, don’t blame other people or anything outside of you for your circumstances. Understand that no matter what, you’re in the driver seat and you’re in control of your own life and happiness.

2. I am enough, whatever else comes in is an extension of my happiness and hard work.

Deep down inside, men don’t believe they’re enough or good enough. They need other things to make them feel complete. Sometimes it’s financial wealth, status, fame, women, or maybe a combination of all these things.

At the heart of it all, who doesn’t want to feel valued, respected, and desired by women? But this can bring out needy behavior, which in turn leads to always trying to chase the magic pill. Here’s the cold hard truth: there is no magic pill, life is meant to be challenging and imperfect, and there will always be more to desire if you’re always looking outside of yourself to fill that void.

Here’s a concrete example:

You get a date with a really pretty girl you met at the bar, you bring her back to your place, and you guys have some crazy and fun sex. Then what happens? You want to go brag to all your bros about her and show her off to your friends. It’ll be a nice little high, but it quickly wears off.

Soon, like a crackhead trying to find his next fix, you’ll want to experience that validation again and you’ll seek out more women to fill that need. You’ll keep trying to impress everyone around you, and this perpetual negative feedback loop will continue.

The solution:

Learn how to love yourself without becoming a narcissist. Stop focusing on getting other people’s validation all the time and learn how to develop certain standards and values you will hold yourself accountable to. When you focus on getting everyone else’s approval, you’ll be living up to their values and standards. As you develop the mindset that “you’re enough,” you start to live up to your own standards of success.

3. I live for and have a purpose outside of pursuing women.

It breaks my heart when I see guys who learn how to become skilled daters turn their lives into a competitive cheap thrills race of who can sleep with the hottest girl and who can rack up the most amount of women they’ve slept with.

Another thing that breaks my heart is men who live a life with no purpose. Most men have no clear idea what they want out of life. If you get lost, it’s always important to boil it back down to the foundational things:

  • Health
  • Wealth
  • Relationships
  • Interests
  • Goals

My point is, women are attracted to men with a purpose, a motivation, a driving goal, and something that keeps pushing them forward despite the odds. Men who live with a purpose, no matter how small or large it may be, don’t need a woman’s validation and approval. A man with purpose isn’t phased or affected by the tiny setbacks and bad interactions that come along with meeting women.

Women can sense this, and these men have a look of conviction that can’t be faked. They give off the aura that they’re striving for something instead of walking around aimlessly.

So have a passion, pursue your interests, hone your craft, and have direction, because focusing completely on women will just ruin you in the long run. Remember, everything that comes into your life, whether it’s more money, women, or status, is just an extension of your happiness and what you chose to pursue.

4. It’s too soon to tell… Anything is possible.

Most girls aren’t overtly going to come straight out and tell you that they’re attracted to you or that they like you. This is a huge issue for a lot of men, especially if they’re new to dating. Don’t panic, take it one step at a time, and learn how to read the signs she’s giving off. Most of all, always remind yourself that whether it’s good or bad, it’s always too soon to judge a situation. Assume nothing, and that anything is possible until you prove or validate it.

Til next time… Take care for now, we’re always here for you guys!


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Rob Virges

Hi, I'm Rob and welcome to our website!

In the last decade I've been coaching men (and women) in the art of connecting and finding love. I can tell you I've been referred to as "an asshole with a heart".

Just like other men who've been trying to figure out and understand the dating game, I used to be socially awkward. I'm a former Dating Mastery Program alumni and CofC apprentice with a decade worth of experience under my belt as a student, coach, and lifestyle mentor. My background is in applied psychology and I utilize a combination academic theory, research, and practical application towards our coaching.

I'm not a creepy pickup artist. I'm a normal guy that's competent, confident, and comfortable with women. My job is simple and that's to understand, nurture, support, motivate, and help you achieve and possibly realize the best version of yourself so you can authentically express yourself, connect with women (or men), and help you achieve whatever your dating goals may be in the most holistic, comprehensive, and practical manner.

Welcome to Craft of Charisma, The #1 company for teaching people to authentically connect, love, and nurture healthy relationships that can last a lifetime.

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