Student: “I don’t know what happened. I managed to have a really good, long, and intimate interaction with this really cute girl I approached at the bar after I got past my anxiety. I hit it off with her, and grabbed her phone number after talking to her for the bulk of the night… I texted her a few hours later and tried following up with her multiple times, but never got a response.”
Rob: “Did you move her? Did you move her away from the bar? Did you attempt to take her to the dance floor? Did you ask her to come to a lounge with you after talking to her? Did you ask her to grab some pizza with you? Did you try a variation of the million questions I just asked you? My point is, did you try to move her and the interaction forward?
Rob: “You just answered your first question, that’s most likely why she didn’t respond to your date request or any of your text messages for that matter.”
Above is a brief snapshot of my Friday night on the job with the current Dating Mastery Class that I’m coaching.
As a group, they’re moving along and getting past the growing pains of overcoming their anxieties and pushing themselves out of their comfort zones to accomplish their goals of gaining experience, getting more confidence, facing rejections, and troubleshooting where they’re getting stuck, which will ultimately lead to ending their loneliness and finding love in the long run.
After a few hours of running the classroom portion, addressing questions such as the one above, and running multiple repetitions of drills to practice and prepare the guys for the live in-field portion of the class, I had them collectively decide on where they wanted to go on that gloomy Friday night to get their practice.
Once they decided, we all hopped into a cab together and went straight to the club. As I do every single week, once we arrived, I paired them up into groups of two to wing each other, and gave them an assignment to approach a certain amount of groups and move a girl after hooking the interaction from the group to me or another part of the bar.
The goal of this mission was to get the guys into the habit of leading by either moving the group to another location of the bar or hooking and leading the girl they’re attracted to and moving the interaction forward.
I’m sure a lot of you guys have run into a similar situation, where you meet a girl, start off with a little bit of small talk, and end up spending the bulk of the night just talking to her about different topics, getting to know each other, a little casual flirting, and then eventually exchanging contact information, and parting ways with the intention of meeting up on another day to pick up where you left off.
When I was first starting to learn dating, this was something I frequently ran into with every girl I’d end up meeting in a nightlife environment, whether it’d be on line into the venue, the patio, the smokers lounge, the line to the bathroom, or even the lounge area of the bar.
So where did it all go wrong? Why after building rapport and comfort, and even managing to elicit and trigger some attraction with a girl, did it lead to a dead phone number?
There are three things I always tell my students to simplify what they’ve learned before we ever take them out in field. Simply put, if you want to keep moving things forward with a girl, always remember to keep talking, keep touching, and keep moving her… talk, touch, and move.
Oftentimes as men, we make the mistake that what we find attractive is also what women find attractive. While looks can certainly help a guy, it’s not the end-all be-all. Creating attraction with any girl simply boils down to triggering and eliciting emotions. If you ask any girl out there to list the top 10 things they find attractive in a man, one of the things that’ll always pop up is having a sense of humor or being funny.
Eliciting emotions is so important. For a moment, I want you to take a step back, imagine, and try and put yourself into the shoes of a girl out on the town with her girlfriends. You’ve all gotten dolled up, got your best dress on and Jimmy Choo heels on, a few drinks in your system, and you’ve hopped into a cab to start the night off at the club.
It’s close to midnight and the line outside the venue looks like a party within itself. You wonder how you’re going to get in, but later remember that your girlfriend is friends with the promoter and the club staff, so you manage to cut everyone and get the VIP entrance into the club.
On your way to the VIP tables of the club you run into 1, 2, 3, 4, 5… (you get the point) guys delivering their best opening lines, telling you how sexy you look in your dress, etc. One of them is telling you what they’d do with you in the sack, another is trying to get you to join them in the lounge part of the club, and you’re sitting there ready to just escape with all your pretty friends to the VIP section to get away from the dozens of horny men trying to hit on you and your friends.
You get to the dance floor, dance with your girlfriends, get some more drinks in your system, and have another random amount of guys try to grind with you from behind, try to impress you and your girlfriends with some of their dance moves, and then attempt to make out with you even though you’re just out to have fun and not feeling the amount of desperation from every guy coming at you.
You and your friends get into the roped off section of the club, and you’re finally in the VIP area enjoying full-fledged bottle service with your girlfriends, courtesy of a rich and well-connected VIP and his clique. The night goes on, you dance some more, talk to more guys, and get some more drinks with your girlfriend. As soon as you get ready to leave the venue, you realize you still have to swim through the ocean of horny guys trying to sell themselves with their best lines, best approaches, and essentially attempting a last ditch effort before last call.
Your intoxicated swagger is wearing off, you’re starting to sober up, and you and what’s left of your crew of girlfriends decide to go to another more loungey and low-key venue to have a few more drinks, smoke some hookah, and flirt a little bit more. Eventually, you end the night with a slice of pizza and you holding your friend’s hair back as she pukes the last 6-7 hours of the night out of her system into your toilet.
Now you’re probably asking, “Rob, I GET IT! Why did you have to put me through that scenario and what the hell does this have to do with moving a girl?!”
Before you jump to any conclusions, the story I just painted out for you is what most girls, especially attractive ones, have to face when they’re out to… you ready? HAVE FUN!
Whether you meet a girl in a bar, a club, or any nightlife environment, a whole list of things can go wrong or get in the way as to why she probably didn’t return your text messages, phone call, Facebook friend request, etc.
The reasons why she didn’t respond to you could be anything from she forgot who you were even if you spoke with her for an hour, she met another guy and ended up going all the way with him right after she met you since you managed to put her in a good mood, or she had a boyfriend, just wanted to go out with her friends and have a fun night, or maybe she just didn’t want to leave you and hurt your feelings.
My point is, like you and your friends going out to have a good time, girls are out to have a good time and can easily forget or lose interest in you because of all the stimulation occurring around them.
So the next time you approach a girl in a bar, a club, on line to get into the venue, or anywhere while you’re out on the town, keep in mind that she’s out with her friends to have a good time, just as you are.
Moving a girl is relatively easy. The purpose of moving her is to elicit three main things:
The first step to getting anyone to be more likely to do something for you or to make someone feel comfortable around you is by asking for a small request. It’s social psychology 101, but this also applies to dating since it’s all about testing the waters, reacting to a girl, and adjusting based on her emotional state.
If you can get her to move a few feet with you away from a crowded and congested part of the bar to a more open space and talk to her for a while, then she’s more likely to move with you to another venue. After going to another venue, the next step would be getting some food with her, and after that maybe back to your place or her place to continue the night of fun.
Do you notice the little progression here? It’s incremental; I’m gradually asking for small things and then increasing the size of my requests as we continue communicating. I’m building attraction with her by leading her and building comfort with her by getting to know her, and also by knowing that she’s comfortable with me as she’s complying with all my tiny requests to move.
Leading is very attractive; women love men who are decisive and can take the lead in situations. It communicates your confidence, assertiveness, and masculinity. That doesn’t mean I’m suggesting that you just grab her hand and her arm like a caveman and drag her across the bar like a sack of potatoes. If you’re doing it in progression like the compliance ladder I just laid out in the previous section, then you should be well on your way to either hitting a home run with her for the night or securing a solid date with her in the following days.
Just like asking her to move with you, don’t forget to keep touching her and testing. One of my favorite things to do after I’ve managed to build comfort with her and flirted with her since asking her to move with me from one end of the bar to the other, is to either leave my arm out for her to hook around mine, or simply take her hand and lead her to the next bar. Don’t panic if she doesn’t want to hold your hand or hook her arm around yours; that means she might not be completely comfortable with you yet. Just rinse and repeat throughout the night.
Many dating experts, coaches, or gurus don’t talk about this when it comes to moving a girl. As I’ve painted out that scenario for you earlier, remember that girls are out to have fun. How do you become more memorable to her and have her associate you with positive feelings? You create fun experiences with her.
I can tell you that a lot of men don’t make the attempt to move a girl or her friends after conversing for a while to another venue, a better bar, a restaurant, or someplace else. By moving her, she’s more likely to remember you and associate you with a fun and unforgettable night. She had a mini adventure with a random cool guy she met at the club, and it led to a night of dancing, bar hopping, pizza, a walk at the pier, and back at her place or yours.
Remember that shallow experiences and cheap thrills are common during the nightlife. Don’t be afraid to toss a wrench at the paradigm. Always be memorable, and make sure to create some lasting experiences so that she’ll want to see you again.
‘Til next time… Take care for now, we’re always here for you guys!