“It’s crazy Rob, the last few times I’ve been with a girl that I was really attracted to, it looks like it’s going to move forward and turn into something and I later find out she’s seeing someone else or doesn’t want to move things forward to try and work it out with a previous flame.”
I’ve gotten this question and variations of it from a lot of men both new to the dating game, my students, & even the ones trying to bounce back from a harsh break up with a former lover. While I’m usually quick to offer constructive and even sometimes the cliche advice of going back to the beginning and working on yourself, I realize I’ve left out something important that requires some constructive thinking….reflection.
Let me elaborate on that. When someone faces adversity, some form of their expectation not being met, or even getting really close to accomplishing a goal whether that’d be getting your dream job, getting your health in check, or even finding love with a girl you’ve always fantasized about going out with, something that was completely out of your control just got in the way and stopped you just short of accomplishing that long awaited goal. It’s easy to just throw in the towel, break down, blame everything around you, and maybe even blame yourself as to why it didn’t happen the way you wanted it to happen despite putting in the long arduous amounts of work, time, and sweat equity. As your motivator and go to guy for constructive dating advice before I give you the solution to learning how to make the most out of the crap that life throws at you, I beg you to just take a moment, take a step back, and just be..
Every guy and unfortunately a lot of dating experts or even pickup artists will give you the cliche advice of “Fuck man, just ignore your feelings, ignore that bitch, and just go get laid by another chick.”
To be brutally honest with you, it’d be nice if it was that simple. Unfortunately, getting over a girl that you’ve been with, have been fantasizing about, or even have gone on a few dates with but just couldn’t get to the next level because of prior baggage or circumstances such as another man coming into her life that you just didn’t see coming is one of the hardest and most frustrating things that men face next to overcoming the initial hurdles of social anxiety, approach anxiety, sexual anxiety, and rejection whether we’d like to admit it or not. Even as experienced as I’ve become this is just part of the growing pains of getting stronger mentally, getting stronger emotionally, and becoming more self-confident.
I’m no stranger to failure, it’s my greatest teacher and even though it really hurts, I’m still grateful for it. About two months ago I wrote a long form blog post on “How to Take Risks & Have No Regrets.” To make a long story short it’s about a girl I had met on Valentine’s Day on the job on a rooftop bar overlooking the Manhattan skyline. We both had a mutual attraction towards each other and despite all the barriers that had almost prevented me from not seeing her again, we had an unforgettable day together that made me learn how to appreciate the ability to connect with with someone on an emotional level. As you’re probably asking why am I bringing up this story again? Well to make a long story short, I’ve been pushing myself to get emotionally stronger, leveling up my game, my coaching, and accepting the fact that it had just died out.
We stayed in contact and were still talking for a good month after our day together in Tampa, FL. Then out of nowhere, she just fell off my radar and it simply had just organically died out. Now, you’re probably assuming that I got needy, emotionally attached, or that I tactically did something wrong to bring on about this but to be honest with you, It had to do with none of that. I remember on our day together as to why we couldn’t push things forward romantically despite all the sexual and emotional tension between us and it was because of a guy that she just at the time had met and was exclusively seeing. I was distraught about it as this kind of scenario had happened to me multiple times on my journey towards getting good with women and creating something significant with the women I was attracted to.
It all had clicked in my head before I had even hopped on her social media to see what was going on or why we couldn’t continue our friendship. And, just like the women before her who had briefly come into my life, rocked it for a moment, and had left, she had become another notch and motivational muse under my belt of experience. She had made her relationship official and it made so much sense now to why she had become cold, even towards a casual friendship. It crushed me for a moment and had really lit a fire under my ass. I’m not angry at her nor am I jealous of the new man who has entered her life, while I am happy for her, just like every girl who’ve I succeeded and had failed with, it made me take a step back, effectuate, and reflect before completely letting go and moving on.
Letting go whether it was a harsh breakup or an unfulfilled romance requires a lot more than just finding a new girl and drowning your emotions and thoughts out in a pool of casual sex. While it can be be a fun escape and may help for a short term degree it doesn’t solve your problems and will probably do more damage to you or whatever new girl you decided to try and escape with while trying to forget an unfulfilled flame. Moving on from somebody you’ve been interested in for weeks, months, or even years involves not only an acute sense of self-awareness, but also a determined will to break away from the behavioral patterns that have developed in attempt to woo the girl you’ve been pursuing.
What do I mean by random behavioral patterns? For example, it can include things that you’re doing outside of your character to grab her attention. Getting a haircut every week, wearing clothes you’d never wear, listening to music you’d normally never listen to, going to events and documenting it on your snap story or Instagram to make your life seem more interesting, or pretending to be interested in something you’d otherwise wouldn’t give two shits about. These are all forms and cries of validation or in some extreme cases a form of desperation.
With this in mind, I offer this guide to men coming off a break up, an unfulfilled romance, or simply losing the interest of that special kind of woman who managed to break your defenses down and set you back for a little bit.
- Be appreciative & have some gratitude cause you failed.
- This was a lesson I learned when I got cut from my high school basketball team two years in a row and had broken my hand in the process. While it sucked not being able to compete I learned a valuable lesson in showing appreciation for failure. If not for those moments of getting completely crushed and destroyed, I’d never learn how to humble myself and look towards the positives that came out of all that experience that further solidified my self-confidence. I learned something valuable that winning and success can’t teach you and that’s learning how to leverage pain. I often get mistaken for being a masochist with my desire to face any pain head on but in reality it’s the best type of relentless energy that can light a fire under your ass to level yourself up and constantly keep improving. Winning unfortunately breeds complacency but if you learn how to leverage the anger and frustration of losing, missing out on something, or rejection you’ve got a weapon that’ll never stop your growth. Either you let it destroy you or you learn how to harness it towards something productive, when you’ve got something to fight for, Mars is the limit.
- Un-Fuck Your Head, the mind is primary.
- Yeah, I said it. Please go un-fuck yourself. What I mean by that is we fall into this negative feedback loop of self-doubt, holding on to the past, and sentimentality after losing something we cared about, getting rejected, or letting go of someone. After years of helping my students cut through the bullshit of their negative self-talk and preconceived notions of why they don’t belong in my class, why they don’t deserve to talk to the pretty girl in the bar, why they don’t deserve to date anyone, why they aren’t loved, and why they’re frauds despite all the things they have accomplished I learned even as I used to do this myself too before I decided to be proactive with it, its that as human beings it’s easy to blame everything else around us and be a victim. A victim of circumstance, a victim of life, a victim of whatever. It all bullshit, it’s all fucking bullshit. There’s a reason why I spend so much time on applied psychology and strengthening the mind when I start out with a new student. If you don’t ever learn how to believe in yourself, you’re going to be a victim of your mind. There are a few tools I recommend to start you off on this journey if you’re struggling with learning how to manage your thoughts and emotions:
- Get a Journal,
- Writing about your thoughts and emotional states and learning how to look at it objectively will teach you the first step of basic emotional intelligence and management, learning what makes you tick. When you know what makes you tick and that you have a visual reference, you’ll know how to catch yourself when you start to fall into those negative self-talk patterns.
- Writing three things your grateful about yourself, your life, and why you deserve to be successful. Now, I’ve been doing this every single morning for the last year or so and it’s really done wonders for my pragmatic optimism and building my self-confidence. Take the time to really think about it, don’t repeat yourself and bullshit your way through it. It can be something as mundane as the taste of your coffee to even finally finding the courage to smile, talk to, and say hi to the pretty front desk girl who works at your local gym.
- Have a system in place. I keep a little log on my phone to tally everytime I fall into a negative self-talk loop and manage to leverage it into positive self-talk and harnessing that energy into something productive such as a quick mindful breathing exercise or pushing myself to do something challenging like stopping a really pretty girl in the street and trying to get a quick coffee date or even pushing my ass twice as hard in the gym to blow off that steam. You can come up with your own system but I turned it into everytime I start to fall into that negative self-talk trap I punish myself with something challenging yet, positive or something that will benefit me in the long run.
- Listen to Tony Robbins or whoever your favorite guru might be. Drown your brain out it in, swim in it, and brainwash yourself with positive self-talk, self-help, and find something to exercise your internal confidence on a daily basis.
- Be selfish, focus on yourself and your growth for the long-term.
- Yes, take the high road. You are your best investment. Now that doesn’t mean inflate your ego, get narcissistic, and act like a douchebag. Tell everyone around you you’re not looking for anything at the moment and you’re going to take some time to figure out your life. Because, getting over someone and forgetting about it takes time. Now your loved ones will worry but just simply let them as this is YOUR TIME TO LEVEL UP! Re-Orient yourself and figure out what your goals are. Make the short term ones and then the long term ones. Do it for your personal life, your love life, your career, and your finances. Everything you will do is meant to build you up, whether it’s a new hobby, learning how to get better with women, or getting as fit as possible. This might result in some detachment from close friends, loved ones, and colleagues but I firmly stand by the belief before you can ever make anyone happy you need to learn how to make yourself happy.
- Once you build yourself up, communicate with your support systems.
- Support systems can vary from your best friends, family, social circles built around your hobbies and interests, and even your professional relationships such as the people you work with. Now I’m not saying spill every single detail out and communicate your life story to them but show them appreciation if they support you, pull them up when they are going through their own shit, and spend time with them if they’re making you better. Guys naturally hate to express their feelings, I know cause I hate emotions, I’m always the only guy at every event whether it’d be a funeral of a loved one, receiving bad news, or even special days like weddings to never cry or show any emotion other than intensity, anger, passion, sarcasm, or some form of blunt assholery. But, trust me, it feels better to talk to someone about it and work through it constructively. You can tell your closest friend who you trust, a large support group if that’s your thing, or a professional if you can afford it. Trust me, talking about it and learning how to work through it will help you get stronger in the process.
- Create separation & purge out all remnants of her in your life.
- I don’t care if it’s all social media accounts from Facebook, Twitter, Snapchat, and Instagram, to her email, phone number, text messages, or even something that you and her got together like a trinket, a receipt from that special day, or even other miscellaneous things that remind you of her. Shove it in a box along with a flash drive with all your pictures together, lock it away in the darkest corner of your storage closet, attic, or whatever storage space you use. Don’t touch it for at least a year or two, depends on how long you get over someone. It’s easier said than done but if you can’t do it yourself, find your most assertive friend or family member to help you do it or pay them to do it for you. Before I forget, delete whatever pictures you guys have together on all your social media accounts. It’s hard but trust me it’s the first step towards letting go of someone. It took me a 1/2 a month to delete our picture together on the rooftop of this pool we snuck into together in Tampa Bay on Instagram. After I got past it, it made the process easier.
- Creating separation part 2.
- If you taken the last step to heart, DON’T COMMUNICATE WITH HER OR ATTEMPT IT! This also goes for social media, why? Because your mind will deceive you, trust me your subconscious is pretty powerful, whatever you try to post you’re trying to earn her attention and approval. DON’T & STOP TRYING TO IMPRESS HER! Break the fucking pattern and build yourself up! You’re gonna fall back to square one if you don’t learn to put your foot on the gas pedal and make yourself better. This is a healing process and it goes for everyone going through a breakup, a lost love, an unfulfilled romance, competition from other men, and etc. Cut contact and if you go to work with this person, go to school with, or whatever, do whatever it is in your power to avoid them like the plague or just keep it professional if you have to interact with them, this is why I recommend adhering to the “don’t shit where you eat” rule, to make scenarios like this a little easier to work with.
- Start Dating Again
- Don’t ever let a girl put your life on hold. Go out and keep approaching women, go through the process again, put yourself out there, fail gracefully, learn, and repeat until you manage to meet someone whose even twice as better and will rock your world again as you rock hers. Even if it’s dating apps, get some professional shots if you have a photographer buddy, and dress to impress. My point is, put yourself out there on the market, date, iterate, and keep writing your stories. Before you know it, you’ve completely moved on and will remember this as a small bump in the road that elevated you.
‘Til next time….Take care for now, we’re always here for you guys!
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