Student: “Hey Rob, lately I haven’t been able to find a consistent wing to go out with, and my friends are terrified of approaching women. I really wanted to try going out alone but I just can’t get over that paralyzing fear and anxiety to get my ass out of the house and into the bar to practice the skills you taught me.”
For a lot of men out there who struggle with trying to meet women in bars and in clubs, going out can seem like an anxiety-riddled roller coaster ride of emotions. Going out alone on the other hand, can seem like the equivalent of a gladiator going into a stadium packed with thousands of people to fight to the death.
It’s a completely understandable fear, and it might seem like an impossible feat to go out and meet strangers without the security blanket of support that comes from having friends and familiar faces around. I can tell you that after pushing myself for a few years to go out, you’ll learn to enjoy and see the benefits of riding solo.
As I always tell my students and past clients who come back and ask questions whenever they get stuck somewhere, “90% of this is mental, 10% is physical.” This brings me to the first point of what you need to do to prepare yourself for a night out alone.
In part one of this two-part series, I will go over the mindset, since going out alone is mostly a mental and emotional hurdle for a lot of men trying to learn about social skills, meeting women, and dating.
In part two, I will go over the tactical aspects of what you should be doing once you enter a nightlife venue alone, and how to ensure your success as a well-rounded dater.
Mindsets for Going Out Solo
1. Get your mind right and embrace the “awkwardness” you feel inside.
Being out in the nightlife, especially the New York nightlife, even with all the years of experience under my belt, I still get jitters and that slight feeling of awkwardness when going out solo.
Understand that just like approach anxiety, this is all completely normal. I remember the most recent night when I went out by myself, that nagging sensation of approach anxiety hit my gut, a feeling that I haven’t had in a long time, let alone something I’ve become very skilled at managing.
The moment that feeling hit me, I knew exactly what it was, but hadn’t felt it that intense in years. Nonetheless, because I felt awkward and had thoughts of peoples’ perceptions running through my head, I knew that was my cue to put my foot on the gas pedal and rise up to the challenge.
My first tip is to tap into your inner competitor. If you used to play sports it may come a little easier, but if not I challenge you. Tap into those positive and negative emotions and use it to light a fire under your ass to get out there and work your magic. I’m going to let you in on a little secret. If you’re in a major city or even a bar or nightclub, nobody has the time or gives a fuck about you or what you’re trying to do.
I don’t mean to sound pessimistic, but find the freedom in the fact that nobody cares and that you shouldn’t care about stepping up to the challenge of going out, meeting new people, gaining new experiences, and most of all meeting pretty girls that you normally wouldn’t meet because you’re too busy taking care of your friends or having to worry about your wingman fucking up and unintentionally cockblocking you in the process.
Always remember that you have a choice. I can’t make that choice for you, but at the end of the day, you have that personal choice to feel awkward, acknowledge it, accept it, and relax. Take a deep breath and allow yourself to “just be” with your feelings of anxiety and awkwardness. Don’t let it stop you from having fun. Most people would recommend meditation, but I’m well aware of the fact that it isn’t for everybody.
Before you go out and get your mind right, I recommend spending the bulk of the day or even just the beginning of the night to make the conscious effort to get into a social mood. Talk to strangers on the street, or the barista you usually ignore when you pick up your daily cup of coffee. Make small talk with people on the bus, the subway, or anytime you have a chance to be social.
What I found is that by simply warming up to other people, genuinely complimenting them, and making their day, it will prime your mind to be in a positive frame and much more relaxed when you get into the bar scene.
2. Embrace your freedom, you’re not babysitting anyone.
Once I got over the initial fear of going out alone, I never realized the tremendous freedom that came with not having to worry about anyone. Honestly, think back to the nights when you’ve managed to connect with a girl you were really attracted to but couldn’t go all the way due to poor logistics and poor management with circumstances that were out of your control.
Maybe it was your friends or wingman not being on the same page as you, or your friend got too drunk and you didn’t want to leave them alone to either get kicked out of the bar, embarrass him or herself, or maybe even prevent them from doing something stupid that could get them arrested.
While I enjoy going out with friends, I never realized the emotional and mental freedom that came when you didn’t have to take the time to worry about them. I was able to completely focus on improving my skills, creating connections, and even sexually escalating with a girl I was really attracted to.
3. It’s an adventure, have fun and you’ll get better faster.
For men who are beginners to intermediate, I’ve seen this too many times, and have also fallen into this trap myself early on when I was just starting out. Having a friend or a wingman may seem great initially because you have a partner and a friend to support you, hold you accountable, and push you when you’re getting stuck in your head.
But oftentimes going out with a wingman will cause a man to default to letting his friend put in and do most of the work. There’s no faster way to get better when you’ve got a gun to your head. Rolling solo literally forces you to open your mouth, meet people, and meet women, or maybe stand there for half of the night before you give into the pressure and call it a night.
Keep in mind that it’s an adventure. Remember to embrace it. Because I’ve been doing this for so long, I usually don’t feel motivated or excited when I’m going out anymore. It’s when I decide to take on the challenge of going out alone that it feels like a new rush that needs to be taken head on.
4. You have a mouth, right?
It doesn’t matter if you have a thick accent, a lisp, or a speech impediment. Just as long as you’ve been following my prior advice of taking care of your physical well being, dressing better, grooming yourself, and making sure your breath doesn’t smell, just talk. Talk to anyone and own it.
Our minds work in a pretty funny way. The longer we stand and stare at a pretty girl, the quicker our brains will go into overdrive and give us a million reasons why we shouldn’t go talk to her. Just approach, because you’re better off taking the initiative early on in the night rather than never doing it.
Put your approach anxiety aside and go to town. Imagine that it’s your lab where you can experiment with what works and what doesn’t work. Just get social, open your mouth, and force yourself to talk. I don’t give a shit if it’s small talk or even about the weather. What I’ve found about going out alone and also observing other guys who’ve successfully gone out alone, is that they will start right away as soon as they get out there.
The first few approaches are always the hardest. Don’t focus on trying to hook it or even worry about moving to the next steps. Just talk, be social, and say whatever comes to your mind. Call the first few approaches your throwaway sets. It takes the pressure off your mind when you know that you’re just warming up and that none of it counts or matters. Once you break past that mental and emotional barrier of the first few approaches, the sky’s the limit.
5. You’re way ahead of the game, most guys don’t do anything when they’re out there.
I’m going to let you in on another little secret. Most guys, even in groups, never approach women when they’re out. The fact that you’re reading our content and making an active effort to improve yourself and go out to a bar or club to meet, attract, and connect with pretty girls puts you far ahead of your average Joe.
The last time I went out alone, in the first two hours I worked my way in and just approached one or two girls. I spent the rest of that time people watching to get a feel for the venue and a feel for how I should readjust my approach and strategy for the night. I watched how other men were interacting with women. Truthfully, few of them were interacting with women, mostly just standing in the corner with their drinks clenched to their chest and high-fiving each other.
The guys who came into the venue with girls just ended up ignoring them. In that one hour or so just people watching, I saw one guy who was fairly short and and balding. He approached this really attractive blonde, who gave him attention and was pretty receptive toward his advances. The strange part was that after he had left her, no other guy ever approached or bothered to talk to her or pick up where this guy left off with the emotions he’d created in that 30 minute interaction.
I ended up moving in and picking up where he left off. To make a long story short, we had breakfast in her apartment the next day. I don’t tell this story to brag or sound like a douchebag. The point I’m trying to drive home is that men tend to psych themselves out and think that other men in the venue are better and that they can’t compete with them because they’re tall, handsome, good looking, muscular, rich, etc.
Don’t attribute the reason why you’re not succeeding to someone else; it’s all on you. You’re responsible for your own bed, lie in it, own it, take care of it, and keep improving. There’s nothing and nobody to compete with, since most guys aren’t doing anything.
Now that doesn’t mean I’m saying that you’re a special little snowflake or that you should act like an entitled douchebag. What I’m saying is that if you’re already going out alone and pushing yourself or even making an active effort, you’re already way ahead of the rest of the men out there.
For more practical tips and strategies for what to do when going out alone, check out part two of this series.
‘Til next time… Take care for now, we’re always here for you guys!
Hi, I'm Rob and welcome to our website!
In the last decade I've been coaching men (and women) in the art of connecting and finding love. I can tell you I've been referred to as "an asshole with a heart".
Just like other men who've been trying to figure out and understand the dating game, I used to be socially awkward. I'm a former Dating Mastery Program alumni and CofC apprentice with a decade worth of experience under my belt as a student, coach, and lifestyle mentor. My background is in applied psychology and I utilize a combination academic theory, research, and practical application towards our coaching.
I'm not a creepy pickup artist. I'm a normal guy that's competent, confident, and comfortable with women. My job is simple and that's to understand, nurture, support, motivate, and help you achieve and possibly realize the best version of yourself so you can authentically express yourself, connect with women (or men), and help you achieve whatever your dating goals may be in the most holistic, comprehensive, and practical manner.
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