-by Rob Virges
“Hey Rob, oftentimes I get into a conversation with a girl & its always usually goes smoothly in the beginning, then usually out of nowhere, it gets stale, it stalls, and she always ends up leaving to go back to her friends or to another guy, what should I do to never lose her interest?”
I got this question a few weeks ago from one of my students in our current Dating Mastery Class cycle for this spring. A lot of men oftentimes fall victim to an interaction going stale or just simply losing a girls interest half way through after the initial approach and even if they do manage to make it through the first interaction and secure a phone number, they always usually fall short of securing a date even after getting her phone number.
Why does this scenario seem to happen? While I always say to everyone starting out in the dating game, it’s an iterative process. There are variables that we can’t always control and influence, sometimes she could be in a committed relationship, she could just have come back into the singles scene very recently and probably feels guilty about something, or she probably had a bad day, as I always say first and foremost don’t beat yourself up and keep learning and improving but, for the things you can control such as your non-verbals, your intentions, and your approach, essentially the tactical nuances of the game, then you’ve got no excuses if you didn’t fully do your end of the tango.
Back when I first started learning this stuff, like a lot of guys new to the dating game I used to think that once you approached a girl, directly laid out your intentions, and had gotten her phone number that that’s all it was and nothing else. In reality, I had managed to rack up thousands of phone numbers in the process but for some reason I’d always never managed to ever secure or get a date, as frustrating as it was no matter what type of direct, macho, sometimes gimmicky, and balls-to-the wall type of approaches that I did, I would never ever manage to transition any of it into a date or anything more than that. I felt burnt out, frustrated, and pretty disillusioned as to why I was never really getting anywhere with any of the women I managed to approach.
So I went back to the drawing board, cleaned up my fundamentals, drilled, cut out what didn’t work, recorded myself both on audio and video and made a lot of very critical yet, constructive deductions & observations on what I needed to fix, what I needed to cut out, and what I could clean up. One of those things that I never did and was a major game changer for me, my coaching philosophy, and getting my students out of their flakey ruts was understanding the concept and getting a girl to invest in you. As that old saying goes, “the more invested we are in something, the more we want it.” and it’s also that phenomenon of wanting what we perceive is difficult or can’t have.
Now don’t take this advice as becoming a complete douchebag, making yourself completely inaccessible, and playing the hard to get card. As I always say to my students “too much or too little of anything is bad, find the sweet spot.”
How investment really works:
- For a lot of my students and people new to the dating game the common adage I always usually see with them is their inclinations to do as much as possible for a woman they were attracted to. Sometimes, in rare cases and with large egos, its usually the polar opposite and they don’t do anything at all for a woman but, just to keep it simple for now, let’s just assume you’re the type of guy whose used to doing everything for a woman you’re attracted to. While there’s nothing wrong with being a gentleman or showing some form of chivalry, too much of it is a major killer when you’re trying to build attraction for a girl you just had met or had recently just started to put the moves on. What doing too much while expecting nothing in return will do is build too much comfort with her and make you easily attainable, a doormat in her eyes, and give you an all expenses paid trip to the friend zone. When I first learned how investment worked, like you, my natural instinct was to do as much as possible for any girl I was attracted to because of how I was socially conditioned and my cultural upbringing. I’d always end up being the platonic friend or the nice guy but after getting introduced to the dating game, a few years of trial and error, getting into a few relationships with some crazy experiences, and working with the best in the business I later learned that it was her investment in you that counts, not the other way around. In social psychology 101, one of the concepts under the reciprocity principle states that we as human beings naturally like people more after doing something for them whether its a big request or a small request, we naturally like them more or want to keep them within our sphere of influence. Logically it makes no sense but if you really think about it, we’re emotional creatures whether it’s a small token or a large thing, we inherently like doing things for other people, it activates the pleasure centers of our brains and gets us to positively associate those emotions with that specific person, thing, or whatever it may be. A lot of men invest more thinking a girl will reciprocate their affections by either sexually or emotionally advancing your relationship with her from just being platonic friends to being sexually involved with each other. This happens on all levels. From doing favors for her whenever its incredibly inconvenient, buying her love from the stereotypical flowers & chocolates, jewelry, designer wear, dinner, lunch, and getting drinks for her at the bar even if she didn’t ask. Now don’t get me wrong, I’ve bought plenty of girls drinks at the bar whether it was in the club or even on a date but I do it once I’ve finally gotten her to emotionally invest in me or if she’s genuinely a good & cool person. On dates it usually works as a give & take, I pay for one round, she pays for the next as we get to know each other.
Keep It Simple Stupid:
- Now don’t over-analyze or go too overboard with this by doing the extreme complete polar opposite of this and not doing anything, as your coach I’m not for being a complete asshole or douchebag just cause I told you to do less for her. Just remember with anything in life, it’s a give & take process. The way you can practically apply this concept is to remember you have to give “some” yes I said it, “some” amount of investment before you develop any kind of relationship with her past the friend zone. This form of investment is what you do to give her just enough to make her feel comfortable, lower her guard, & make her feel safe in emotionally investing with you. When you look at the bigger picture, it’s not your investment in her, it’s her investment in you that causes her to feel increasing amounts of attraction.
- The more invested you are in her, THE MORE ATTRACTED TO HER YOU WILL BE!
- The more invested she is in you, THE MORE ATTRACTED SHE WILL BE TO YOU!
Tactically, How Do You Do This?:
- Start Small & think of moving her up a ladder. I’m not a naturally detail oriented person as this never came easy to me but, once I started actively thinking about attraction, comfort, and seduction in this manner on a macro level it started to bring me better & more efficient results. Gaining compliance early on in your first interaction with her is very important. Over your interaction with her through the night you want to start off with small and mundane requests after the initial introductions and establishing some form of basic social comfort with her.
- Start getting her to invest by asking her a balance of questions ranging from her passions, desires, hobbies, and her life. Have a good balance of basic interview mode questions and open ended questions to keep the conversation going. If you want to get a better and more comprehensive understanding of how to do this please refer to this article:
- Don’t forget to touch her, you’re testing to see if she’ll touch you back after you’ve been interacting with her for a little bit. Please refer to this if you don’t know how to touch a girl:
- Don’t forget to plant seeds, pull her into your world & secure a date:
- Flirt, Banter, & Create Sexual Tension:
- Gaining Compliance:
- Assuming you’ve done a lot of the previous things I had mentioned and had put into practice some of the advice from those previous articles, Let me paint a scenario out for you. You’re relaxing at the bar, talking to a girl you’ve just met, and you guys are having a casual conversation where she’s already starting to feel comfortable with you. You start with a small request such as asking her to tell you a little more about herself, you get her to invest in interacting with you. At this part a lot of men make the mistake of talking too much about themselves and not actively listening. Listen, pay attention, and validate her after she tells you a little bit about herself. “Cool, I love that about you, I love your passionate vibe, your adventurous nature, etc. etc.” (make sure you high five her!). From there, test to see if she’ll move a few inches forward, ask her to move to the side cause it’s crowded or that you can’t hear her or something (get creative), once you get her to move a few inches and she’s comfortable with you and her friends are comfortable with you and think you’re cool, ask her to move with you to the bar to grab a drink. Once she moves with you, ask her to move with you to the lounge area, talk to her, make her feel comfortable, start prolonging your touch, and break in and out of her space to create more sexual tension. If this is confusing to you, you can refer to the Article Below:
Til next time….Take care for now, we’re always here for you guys!
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