-by Rob Virges
If there’s one thing that life and the dating game have in common is it’s harsh way of reminding you of your vulnerabilities and humanity. Every mastery class cycle and workshop I’ve coached in the last few years always has some question or resistance that comes in the form of rejection. This isn’t going to be another long treatise or cynical view point on the art of modern dating, more or less a guideline I hope you manage to put into practice when you get out there and try to meet your future significant other.
I’m going to make one thing clear and remind you of one definite fact of life that is also part of dating that you’re going to have to accept no matter how experienced or inexperienced you may be. Rejection hurts, Period. But, here’s the catch, you can either let it destroy you or let it toughen you up and learn from it. I certainly hope it’s the latter. Understand, that overcoming rejection is not about pride or saving face but rather, becoming comfortable with and confident in who you are and accepting the risks that come with going after what you want in life.
It’s a fact of life, just like learning how to accept failure and growing from it. We all have to face it at some point. Before we get into the solutions, let’s get into “the why” first.
This is probably one of the most important points I stress with my newer students who haven’t developed the ability to cope with rejection from a girl they were attracted to and every now & then my more seasoned students.
So why does it hurt when a girl rejects you? Did you ever stop & ask yourself?
Back during my undergraduate years at Rutgers during one of the very few times when I was actually paying attention in class and not trying to recover from a horrendously bad hangover, I remember sitting in a lecture in my cognitive psychology class, the lecture was about the concept of “metacognition”. In a nutshell, metacognition is essentially thinking about thinking.
Metacognition refers to the study of memory-monitoring and self-regulation, meta-reasoning, consciousness/awareness and auto-consciousness/self-awareness. In practice these capacities are used to regulate one’s own cognition, to maximize one’s potential to think, learn, and to the evaluation of proper ethical/moral rules.
If you want to understand this concept in more depth you check out the link below:
When you employ metacognition, you’re employing your self-awareness. When you reflect internally, you’ll notice fairly quickly why rejection hurts, it’s because you feel like the girl you’re attracted to is directly saying to you that you’re not wanted. It’s because she seems to be rejecting you. At the heart of it all you’ve been deemed “not good enough” and that cuts into the very core of our self-esteem.
We all go through these moments when we’re under a tremendous amount of stress. It’s those type of moments where you sit and ask yourself “Wait, why am I thinking like this? Why do I feel this way? Why can’t I figure out why I feel so uneasy right now?” If you get this reference, for all you 90s kids, if you remember that show Doug where the main character was always worried or stressed about being worried and stressed and would start to over-analyze and imagine himself in really crazy scenarios that never ended up happening?
There’s a reason why break-ups are so painful, why getting rejected is so painful. Not too long ago I saw this interesting video by a cultural anthropologist who covers this very topic and argues that on a psychological level we go through the same withdrawal feelings recovering drug addicts go through after stopping their substance abuse, you can check out the video in the article below:
You’ve gone through this, I’ve gone through this, and it’s just a normal part of life you’re just going to have to live with & grow from.
Women by nature are non-confrontational, and with that it’s sometimes very difficult to determine if you’ve been rejected or not. A lot of men oftentimes complain “Why can’t women just be straightforward?”
I’m not saying all women are non-confrontational as I’ve had my fair share of really harsh and cold rejections but in general, women are much more emotionally in-tune and perceptive to other people’s emotions then men. Besides that being a factor, women are also aware that not all men will respond well to their rejections. Since by nature men are naturally prone to aggression and violence, this is one factor that plays into why women prefer to not be straightforward with a lot of men. It’s a defense mechanism meant to safeguard herself and her personal well-being along with the guy she’s rejecting.
There are different types of rejection that we’ll all end up facing at different parts in the relationship, it’s essential that you learn how to identify them along with learning how to constructively deal with each type as you run into it.
5 Types of Rejection & How to Deal With It:
- Ruthless & Cold-Blooded Rejection
- This type of rejection is most commonly portrayed in the movies and something you’ll run into if you’re running around major nightlife cities like New York City and Los Angeles. Have you ever walked up to an attractive girl standing at the bar, it started with a friendly non-threatening introduction and in return you get a really insulting Regina George like response such as “Why are you even talking to me?” followed by a pretentious hair flip. Sometimes you’ll get the classic “Fuck Off” or “You’re not on my level, don’t talk to me unless you’re gonna buy me a drink!”
- Depending on where your head space is at, this type of rejection can crush any man’s mojo. Fortunately, these rude rejections are pretty rare and the way you should be responding to it is never showing an ounce of fear, anger, disappointment, or frustration. As I always say to my students “He who looses his cool, looses the war.”
- How to deal with it:
- Keep your cool.
- Be self-amused, smile, laugh, & say “I love it.”
- Move on and immediately start chatting up the next group of people.
- (A simple side note, as I’ve said before these types of rejection are pretty rare unless a girl is under the influence, is just a rude person by nature, or is probably having a bad day. This happens pretty rarely but, if it’s happening to you pretty consistently then there is probably something that you’re doing that you’re not aware of that is putting off women very quickly, it’s important you fix that right away. If you don’t know what it is I recommend you do one of a few things. Record yourself, since earbuds are wireless and portable and smartphones have built in recorders, as cringe worthy as it may sound in the beginning I recommend you listen to the conversation, pay attention to your tonality, what you’re saying, and what the girl’s responses were that you may need to account for. Along with that I recommend you get a friend or wingman to standby and record you on video and you can watch your body language and what you need to fix from there. Or, if you have enough money, hire a professional like myself or somebody else to identify and fix these problems.)
- Friendly Rejection
- For all you newbies and seasoned daters, this is most likely the most common rejection you’ve faced or have consistently run into. As I’ve said before women are very emotionally perceptive creatures and most of the time when a woman turns you down, she will do it in a fairly gentle manner. For example, she’ll talk to you for a few seconds to a few mins and then say “It was nice talking to you, I’ve gotta run..get back to my friends…get back to my crew…get back to work…do x,y, & z..” Or you approach her at a bar but she keeps turning to her friends pretending to ignore you.
- Just like the previous rejection, it’s a little difficult to turn these situations around, because if she’s rejected you in this manner it can mean many different things. As we always say in our classes it’s important to develop as much situational awareness as possible. You’ve got to consistently ask yourself questions like:
- “Where am I at?”
- “What do I want?”
- “What are the steps I need to take to get there.”
- Oftentimes when a girl rejects you in this manner it could mean that you’re not making her feel good or comfortable, she’s worried about being judged by her friends for talking to you, there could be a guy in her group that’s her boyfriend or ex-boyfriend or lover on some level, she’s in a bad head space, she’s out to simply have fun with her friends and wants to feel good. Remember seduction is all about emotions and nurturing the right emotions when you’re communicating with the girl you’re interested in.
- How to deal with it:
- In this situation it’s best to do the same thing you do in the first rejection type.
- Politely excuse yourself “It was nice to meet you.”
- Plan to revisit and talk to her later when she’s in a better logistical position and after you’ve developed some positive social momentum.
- Have fun with your friends and start chatting up other groups of people, focus on being social, developing your social capital, and flirting with other women. Nothing makes a man look more attractive especially when he’s got other girls around him or is having fun or both. I can’t emphasize or tell you how many times this unintentionally ended up working out for me along with my students. Either the girl ends up coming back to re-engage with you at some point in the night or in a lot of cases you meet an even better girl and it ends up working for you in the long run.
- Testing the Waters Rejection
- This type of rejection is pretty common for guys who are intermediate daters and my somewhat experienced students. An incongruent rejection occurs when you were talking to a girl whose displaying signs of interest or is in the maybe zone with you but, then tells you that she’s not interested or can’t move forward because of x,y, & z reason. Another common response is the dreaded “I have a boyfriend response.” or “I’m sorry but you’re just not my type response.”
- A lot of men with myself at one point have trouble coping and dealing with this type of rejection, just when you think you’re going to get somewhere with a girl it feels like you got hit by a freight train.
- How to deal with it:
- It’s important to understand that we’re not compatible with every single girl and that every single girl you’re going to interact with is going to be in a different emotional or psychological head space. Just try to put yourself in her shoes for a moment. She could have been fresh off of a relationship and was on the rebound, she’s emotionally not ready for any type of relationship because of a really bad breakup, she realized on the first date that you had nothing in common with her…my point is it could of been a million different things. My point is, don’t take it personally and test until you either get a response or simply move on.
- By test, in some cases a girl is feeling insecure or uncomfortable because of whatever reason, you can respond by persisting and just responding non-judgmentally to whatever illogical response it may be, “Its okay, I like you & that’s all that really matters.” Unfortunately,this type of instinct is trained by consistently getting yourself into these situations and learning how to make these judgement calls.
- Other cases if she’s unresponsive, just move on to the next person, acknowledge it, accept it, and most of all don’t take it personally. Rinse and repeat, learn how to develop a social callous.
- Not That Into You/Circumstantial Rejection
- Next to the first type of rejection, this is by far one of the harshest and most emotionally draining type of rejections that cause a lot of men to simply give up on dating and putting themselves out there. Even for experienced guys like myself, you feel like you’ve been sucker punched by Mike Tyson. There’s a little bit of emotional investment on both ends, you take her on a date or two, and may have even slept with her. Everything is cruising smoothly and then out of the blue she tells you that “I’m sorry but I’m just not that into you.” or something along the lines of “I’m sorry but, I’m kind of seeing someone else, trying to work things out with my ex, (insert situation here) you’re a great guy but, I can’t see you anymore.”
- How to deal with it:
- In the first scenario, her initial feelings about you might have changed, she had a good impression, but then you did something that turned her off like your emotional baggage making you needy, insecure, or maybe she just thought you weren’t as fun or as sexy as she thought. If this scenario might be the case the best thing you can do is:
- Accept that you’ve been temporarily rejected, keep your cool, don’t get needy, and just treat her like a friend. Take it with a grain of salt and just frame it in her mind that you’re new to the dating scene or a little inexperienced because of (insert situation here)
- In the second scenario, an unexpected variable came into play that caused her to stop progressing and moving forward with you. I’ve personally run into something like this very recently and it took me a few months to get over her just because of the chemistry we initially had and the amount of emotional investment I had put into it. What ended up happening was by the time I got to reconnect with her, another man had come into her life and that she was progressing towards a full blown relationship with the other guy. Initially, I had thought that it was because of our long distance from each other that played into her decision to pick the other guy over me but, I later found out that she was in a long distance relationship with him and that they were seeing each other and traveling almost every weekend. It killed me inside along with toughening up my spirit. When other variables that are out of your control that come into play it’s easy to blame the girl or even yourself and fall into the thought pattern of “I’m not good enough.”
- The best solution I can offer if you run into this is to do the same things you should be doing after coming off of a break up. Move on and remind yourself that it will pass. Please refer to the following link:
- Self-Imposed Rejection
- Apathy is the worst thing you can fall into. I can’t tell you how many men and even women in some cases I’ve coached who refuse to move things forward with a mate that they want. It’s sad because they’re waiting for you to move things forward, you’ll end up in the friend zone and it’s pretty much you doing the rejecting yourself. Don’t let your negative experiences dictate the present, the past is the past. Don’t buy into your own bullshit.
- How to deal with it:
- Understand that you’re in charge of your own life and that you’re going to have to face challenges to get what you want. Don’t fold, toughen your ass up, and learn to embrace the ride. Everyone faces rejection and failure in life, it’s just part of the game. If you’re not taking risks, you’re not going to ever hit any big shots and be stuck where you’re at.
Regardless of where you’re at in your personal development, always remember that dating is a numbers game. Even as your successes go up, you still need to keep up your consistency, practices, and constantly keep striving for improvement. As I always say every girl is different and it’s important that you keep an open and broad perspective to thrive in this new age along with navigating the emotional chaos of the Art of Modern Dating. Thing will change, you will grow, and you will improve, granted you consistently apply my advice and keep working on yourself.
‘Til Next Time,
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