“It’s crazy, the last few times I’ve been with a girl that I was really attracted to, and it looked like it was going to turn into something serious, I later found out that she was seeing someone else or didn’t want to move things forward because she was trying to work it out with a previous flame.”
I’ve gotten this question and variations of it from my students, a lot of men who are new to the dating game, and even ones trying to bounce back from a harsh breakup with a former lover. While I’m usually quick to offer constructive and even sometimes the cliche advice of going back to the beginning and working on yourself, I realize that I’ve left out something important that requires deep thinking… Reflection.
When you face adversity, expectations not being met, or even get really close to accomplishing a goal, whether it’s landing your dream job, getting your health in check, or even finding love with a girl you’ve always fantasized about going out with, something completely out of your control gets in the way and stops you in your tracks.
It’s easy to throw in the towel, break down, blame everything around you, and maybe even blame yourself as to why it didn’t happen the way you wanted it to happen, despite putting in arduous amounts of work, time, and sweat equity. As your motivator and go-to guy for constructive dating advice, before I give you the solution to learning how to make the most out of whatever life throws at you, I beg you to just take a moment, take a step back, and just be…
Every guy and unfortunately a lot of dating experts or pickup artists will give you the cliche advice of, “Fuck man, just ignore your feelings, forget about her, and just go get laid by another girl.”
To be brutally honest with you, it’d be nice if it was that simple. But getting over a girl that you’ve been fantasizing about, been intimate with, or even went on several dates with but just couldn’t get to the next level because of prior baggage or circumstances like another man unexpectedly coming into her life, is one of the hardest and most frustrating things that men face, next to overcoming the initial hurdles of social anxiety, approach anxiety, sexual anxiety, and rejection, whether we’d like to admit it or not.
This is just part of the growing pains of getting stronger mentally and emotionally, and becoming more self-confident. I’m no stranger to failure; it’s my greatest teacher and even though it really hurts, I’m still grateful for it.
About two months ago I wrote a blog post on “How to Take Risks and Have No Regrets.” To make a long story short, it’s about a girl I had met on Valentine’s Day on the job at a rooftop bar overlooking the Manhattan skyline. We both had a mutual attraction towards each other, and despite all the barriers that almost prevented me from seeing her again, we had an unforgettable day together that made me learn how to appreciate the ability to connect with someone on an emotional level.
We stayed in contact and were still talking for a good month after our day together in Tampa, FL. Then out of nowhere, she just fell off my radar and it simply died out. Now, you’re probably assuming that I got needy, emotionally attached, or that I tactically did something wrong to bring this about. But to be honest with you, it had nothing to do with that.
I remember on our day together, we couldn’t push things forward romantically despite all the sexual and emotional tension between us. It was because of a guy that she had recently met and was exclusively seeing. I was distraught about it, as this kind of scenario had happened multiple times on my journey towards getting better with dating and creating something significant with the women I was attracted to.
It all clicked in my head before I even hopped on her social media to see what was going on or why we couldn’t continue our friendship. And, just like the women before her who had briefly come into my life, rocked it for a moment, and then left, she had become another notch and motivational muse under my belt of experience. She had made her relationship official, and it made so much sense now as to why she had become cold, even towards a casual friendship.
It crushed me for a moment and really lit a fire under me. I’m not angry at her, nor am I jealous of the new man who has entered her life. While I’m happy for her, just like every girl who I’ve ever been with, it made me take a step back and reflect before completely letting go and moving on.
Letting go, whether it’s a harsh breakup or an unfulfilled romance, requires a lot more than just finding a new girl and drowning your emotions and thoughts out in a pool of casual sex. While it can be be a fun escape and may help for a short time, it doesn’t solve your problems and will probably do more damage to you and the new girl you decided to escape with to try to forget an unfulfilled flame.
Moving on from somebody you’ve been interested in for weeks, months, or even years involves not only an acute sense of self-awareness, but also a determined will to break away from the behavioral patterns that have developed in an attempt to woo the girl you’ve been pursuing.
What do I mean by behavioral patterns? It can include things that you’re doing outside of your character to grab her attention. For example, getting a haircut every week, wearing clothes you’d normally never wear, listening to music you’d normally never listen to, going to events and documenting it on your Snapchat or Instagram to make your life seem more interesting, or pretending to be interested in something you otherwise wouldn’t give two shits about. These are all cries for validation, and in some cases, forms of desperation.
With this in mind, I offer this guide to men coming off a breakup, an unfulfilled romance, or simply losing the interest of that special woman who managed to break your defenses down and set you back for a little bit.
1. Be appreciative and have some gratitude because you failed.
This was a lesson I learned when I got cut from my high school basketball team two years in a row and had broken my hand in the process. While it sucked not being able to compete, I learned a valuable lesson in showing appreciation for failure. If not for those moments of getting completely crushed and destroyed, I’d never learn how to humble myself and look at the positives that came out of all those experiences that further solidified my self-confidence.
I learned something valuable that winning and success can’t teach you, and that’s learning how to leverage pain. I often get mistaken for being a masochist with my desire to face any pain head on. In reality, it’s the best type of relentless energy that can light a fire under your ass to level yourself up and constantly keep improving.
Unfortunately, winning breeds complacency, but if you learn how to leverage the anger and frustration of losing, missing out on something, or getting rejected, you’ve got a weapon that will never stop your growth. Either you let it destroy you or you learn how to harness it towards something productive. When you’ve got something to fight for, Mars is the limit.
2. Straighten out your mindset.
We often fall into this negative feedback loop of self-doubt, holding on to the past, and sentimentality after losing something we cared about, got rejected, or let go of someone.
After years of helping my students cut through their negative self-talk and preconceived notions of why they don’t belong in my class, why they don’t deserve to talk to the pretty girl in the bar, why they don’t deserve to date anyone, why they aren’t loved, and why they’re frauds despite all the things they have accomplished, I learned that even as I used to do this myself before I decided to be proactive, it’s that as human beings, it’s easy to blame everything else around us and be a victim.
Being a victim of circumstance, a victim of life, a victim of whatever, is all bullshit. There’s a reason why I spend so much time on applied psychology and strengthening the mind when I start working with a new student. If you don’t ever learn how to believe in yourself, you’re going to be a victim of your mind. There are a few tools I recommend to start off on this journey if you’re struggling with how to manage your thoughts and emotions.
Get a journal.
Writing about your thoughts and emotional states, and learning how to look at them objectively will teach you the first step of basic emotional intelligence and management. When you know what makes you tick and you have a visual reference, you’ll know how to catch yourself when you start to fall into those negative self-talk patterns.
Beside this, write out three things that you’re grateful for about yourself, your life, and why you deserve to be successful. I’ve been doing this every single morning for the last year or so and it’s really done wonders for my pragmatic optimism and building my self-confidence. You can express gratitude for anything from the taste of your coffee to finally finding the courage to smile, talk to, and say hi to the pretty girl who works at your local gym.
Have a system in place.
I keep a little log on my phone to tally every time I fall into a negative self-talk loop. Then I manage to leverage it into positive self-talk and harness that energy into something productive such as a quick mindful breathing exercise or pushing myself to do something challenging like stopping a really pretty girl in the street and trying to get a quick coffee date or even pushing myself twice as hard in the gym to blow off steam.
You can come up with your own system. My system was to use every time I started to fall into a negative self-talk trap to punish myself with something challenging yet positive that would benefit me in the long run.
Listen to your favorite guru.
Drown your brain in a fiery clip of one of your favorite motivational speakers. Swim in it and brainwash yourself with positive self-talk, and find something to exercise your internal confidence on a daily basis.
3. Be selfish, focus on yourself and your growth for the long-term.
Yes, take the high road. You are your best investment. Now that doesn’t mean inflate your ego, get narcissistic, and act like a douchebag. Tell everyone around you that you’re not looking for anything at the moment and you’re going to take some time to figure out your life, because getting over someone and forgetting about it takes time.
Your loved ones might worry, but just simply let them as this is YOUR TIME TO LEVEL UP! Re-orient yourself and figure out what your goals are. Make the short term ones and then the long term ones. Do it for your personal life, your love life, your career, and your finances.
Everything you will do is meant to build you up, whether it’s a new hobby, learning how to get better with women, or getting as fit as possible. This might result in some detachment from close friends, loved ones, and colleagues, but I firmly stand by the belief that before you can ever make anyone else happy you first need to learn how to make yourself happy.
4. Once you build yourself up, communicate with your support systems.
Support systems can vary from your best friends, family, social circles built around your hobbies and interests, and even your professional relationships such as the people you work with. Now I’m not saying to spill every single detail and communicate your life story to them. But show them appreciation if they support you, pull them up when they are going through a rough patch, and spend time with them if they’re making you better.
Guys naturally hate to express their feelings, I know because I hate emotions. I’m always the only guy at every event whether it’d be a funeral, wedding, or receiving bad news, to never cry or show any emotion other than intensity, anger, passion, sarcasm, or some form of bluntness.
But trust me, it feels better to talk to someone about it and work through it constructively. You can tell your closest friend who you trust, a large support group if that’s your thing, or a professional if you can afford it. Trust me, talking about it and learning how to work through it will help you get stronger in the process.
5. Create separation and remove all remnants of her from your life.
I don’t care if it’s all social media accounts from Facebook, Twitter, Snapchat, and Instagram, to her email, phone number, text messages, or even something that you and her got together like a trinket, a receipt from that special day, or other miscellaneous things that remind you of her.
Shove it in a box along with a flash drive with all your pictures together, lock it away in the darkest corner of your storage closet, attic, or whatever storage space you use. Don’t touch it for at least a year or two, depending on how long it takes for you to get over someone. It’s easier said than done, but if you can’t do it yourself, find your most assertive friend or family member to help you do it or pay them to do it for you.
Before I forget, delete whatever pictures you guys have together on all your social media accounts. It’s hard, but it’s the first step towards letting go of someone. It took me almost a month to delete a picture of me and this girl on the rooftop of a pool we snuck into together in Tampa Bay on Instagram. After I got past it, it made the process easier.
6. Create separation (part 2).
If you’ve taken the last step to heart, DON’T COMMUNICATE WITH HER OR ATTEMPT IT! This also goes for social media. Why? Because your mind will deceive you. Your subconscious is powerful, and whatever you try to post will likely have you trying to earn her attention and approval. STOP TRYING TO IMPRESS HER! Break the pattern and build yourself up! You risk falling back to square one if you don’t learn to put your foot down and make yourself better.
This is a healing process, and it goes for anyone going through a breakup, lost love, unfulfilled romance, etc. Cut all contact, and if you go to work or school with this person, do whatever it is in your power to avoid them like the plague. If you have to interact with them, then just keep it professional. This is also why I recommend adhering to the “don’t shit where you eat” rule, to make scenarios like this a little easier to work with.
7. Start dating again.
Don’t ever let a girl put your life on hold. Go out and keep approaching women, go through the process again, put yourself out there, fail gracefully, learn, and repeat until you manage to meet someone who’s even twice as awesome and will rock your world again as you rock hers.
Even if you’re on dating apps, get some professional shots if you have a photographer buddy, and dress to impress. My point is, put yourself out there on the market, date, iterate, and keep rewriting your stories. Before you know it, you’ll have completely moved on and will remember this as a just small bump in the road that elevated you.
‘Til next time… Take care for now, we’re always here for you guys!
Hi, I'm Rob and welcome to our website!
In the last decade I've been coaching men (and women) in the art of connecting and finding love. I can tell you I've been referred to as "an asshole with a heart".
Just like other men who've been trying to figure out and understand the dating game, I used to be socially awkward. I'm a former Dating Mastery Program alumni and CofC apprentice with a decade worth of experience under my belt as a student, coach, and lifestyle mentor. My background is in applied psychology and I utilize a combination academic theory, research, and practical application towards our coaching.
I'm not a creepy pickup artist. I'm a normal guy that's competent, confident, and comfortable with women. My job is simple and that's to understand, nurture, support, motivate, and help you achieve and possibly realize the best version of yourself so you can authentically express yourself, connect with women (or men), and help you achieve whatever your dating goals may be in the most holistic, comprehensive, and practical manner.
Welcome to Craft of Charisma, The #1 company for teaching people to authentically connect, love, and nurture healthy relationships that can last a lifetime.
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