Now that society’s starting to slowly open back up and return to normal, a lot of you might be looking to get back into the dating game to meet your future girlfriend, or simply get back on the journey of personal development.
In our Dating Mastery Program and other workshops, we go more in depth with the concept of attraction and what you can do to increase your attractiveness, regardless of the cards you’ve been dealt with in this lifetime.
Being stereotypically tall, dark, and handsome has it’s advantages and makes the dating game much easier to navigate in some cases. But even if you’ve been blessed in the genetic lottery, that alone isn’t enough to successfully navigate the complex dynamics of the courtship process.
If you forget everything we talk about in this article, just remember this foundational concept whenever you get stuck: attraction is a perception of value.
What does that mean exactly? When we talk about attraction in our classes and introduce this concept, a lot of our students usually jump to the conclusion that it’s based on factors such as how physically attractive they are and how much money they make.
I’m not denying that your earning power and genetic gifts have their advantages. But I can’t tell you how many times we’ve had students in our programs over the years, ranging from Men’s Health cover models to wealthy entrepreneurs and venture capitalists, who have struggled with the same common problems in their dating lives as any other guy.
Attraction differs for men and women in many ways. This includes the nuances of their personal experiences, unconscious urges, and individual differences that influence what they’re attracted to, along with other factors.
In this two-part series, we’re going to focus on how to get a girl interested in you and offer some quick fixes to build your sexual appeal. In part two, we’ll go more in depth about the nuances of attraction, what women are attracted to, and the fundamentals of sustaining attraction, including specific tactics and strategies.
Always remember, attraction is a perception of value. To simplify this concept, imagine this…
You’re at a bar on a hot evening with two of your friends. If there’s a pitcher of ice cold water with cups that you can pour for yourself and your friends at any point in the night, you won’t rush up to the counter to fight over it. You’re obviously not going to put a high premium on that water because it’s assumed that the bartender will refill it throughout the night whenever it runs out.
Now imagine you’re lost in the desert with your friends, and that same pitcher of water and cups is the only thing with you guys. You don’t have the convenience of the bartender refilling it every time it runs low. How are you going to perceive that water now? Obviously, the value is going to be much higher now that you and your friends are just trying to survive.
While this is an extreme example, to reiterate the concept of attraction, it’s merely your perception of value. It ties in with the idea of us wanting what we cannot have. There’s a reason why luxury brands always make it difficult for normal customers to obtain their products. If everyone can get it, it’s no longer a luxury and your desire for it depletes.
Now I’m not saying to be stuck up or arrogant, as some men learning this concept tend to take it to the extreme. After all, we’re not teaching you to create a fake persona or be manipulative.
We’re teaching you to be your genuine and authentic self. So take these tips and slowly integrate them into your personality, along with developing social awareness, so you can have a smooth courtship process with your current or potential love interests.
Learning how to increase your own likability and get a girl interested in you will eventually make your social and romantic life much more fun and enjoyable.
Fundamentals of Attraction
Oftentimes we get hung up on that special someone who caught our eye. When we’re around a girl we feel attraction towards, we might get flustered or stifled, and end up filtering our natural personality to win her over.
Women usually sense this unease from the get go, and while at times it can come off as endearing, the truth is that life isn’t a romantic comedy where you win over the hot girl’s heart at the end of the film. If that were the case, we’d be out of business and relationships wouldn’t be as complex and confusing for the common man.
Even after all these years of experience under my belt, there’s still times where I’ll catch myself behaving conservatively and filtering my real desires and personality when I’m around a girl who really stops me in my tracks. It doesn’t happen often, but I still return to this fundamental framework and mindset every time I get caught up in how she makes me feel or how pretty she is.
Whether you’re coming off a long hiatus, a relationship that fell apart, or have no experience and you’re just getting started, always remember to approach it with the mentality of abundance. Think of it like a video game – if you mess up, you can always reset and try again.
As a byproduct of evolution, we tend to constrain our natural behavior and act conservatively towards something we value and perceive as scarce out of fear of losing it. This is common with men who don’t have much dating experience or have never had that many dating options in their life.
There’s a reason why that trope about women finding bad boys attractive has some truth to it. Of course, bad boys tend to make terrible long-term boyfriends, since they’re unreliable, unpredictable, and sometimes violent. But their other positive traits like assertiveness, confidence, and having an attitude of “not giving a fuck” sub-communicates strength and authenticity. It’s one of the very few reasons why some girls are instinctively attracted to bad boys.
That outcome independent attitude is what makes them attractive. Now am I saying you should give everything up in your life and start behaving like a domineering sociopath like Tony Soprano? Absolutely not. But going back to that idea of authenticity that I just mentioned, nice guys and inexperienced guys often filter themselves and behave in a way that’s too nice and too approval-seeking when they’re in the presence of women they’re attracted to.
While it sounds like a contradiction, women perceive this stifled and filtered version of you as inauthentic and fake. So whenever you catch yourself feeling stuck and filtering your behavior and words around a girl that you’re attracted to, just remember there’s nothing wrong with messing up and making mistakes.
The worst thing she’ll say is no. There are 7-8 billion people on this planet and half of them are women. If you treat her like she’s the only one, it sub-communicates how desperate you are. So remember the abundance of the world and let yourself off the hook. As they say in improv, “Give yourself permission to be normal.”
Integrating this concept and taking the pressure off of yourself will make you more comfortable with who you are. You don’t have to do anything to impress her or behave like an asshole if that isn’t congruent with your real personality. Just be who you are as you are, and remember if you mess up, there will always be another girl that you can meet.
If she’s not giving you the same amount of feedback you’re giving her, then cut your losses and move on to someone else who’s reciprocating your attention. Like my last example, this ties into the concept of “perception of value” and having an “abundance mentality.”
Attraction is basically a form of leverage when you really think about it. There were points in my life where I wanted to believe in the Disney fantasy trope that if you chase a girl or keep showing her your affection and interest, along with working harder to win over her heart, that she’ll eventually reciprocate your feelings and fall in love with you.
But the reality of it is, the more you chase and the more you put forth any kind of effort or persistence towards a girl who doesn’t feel the same way about you, it will eventually come off as creepy and desperate instead of endearing.
To give you some context, I had a friend who recently reconnected with an old crush after she got out of a failed engagement with her partner of seven years. When my friend had first fallen for her, they had established good rapport, chemistry, and friendship. Since she was in a committed relationship with her ex-fiance at the time, out of respect he backed off, let her go, and moved on with his life.
Fast forward 3 years later and her a few months removed from breaking it off with her ex, after reconnecting with her after all these years, he started to feel the same feelings he had for her 3 years earlier. Now that she was single and getting her life back in order, he decided to try his luck again.
My friends and I had warned him to give her space and let her grieve her failed relationship, and as a gesture of care to save him from himself. But he didn’t listen to our advice, and what started off as platonic, easy going, and friendly turned into too much persistence and frustration for him when she ended up ghosting him for the dinner date they agreed upon, and just wasn’t reciprocating the consistency he was bringing to the table.
My friend is by no means inept when it comes to dating, but a lot of his experiences and positive qualities that made him attractive went out the window because he unconsciously put her on a pedestal and started chasing her.
Fortunately, we didn’t even have to convince him to stop. It turned out he had a three strike rule, and I respect and admire him for having some integrity, self-discipline, and self-respect by sticking to his commitment and moving on after she flaked on him for the third time.
Regardless of how new or experienced you are with dating, the underlying principle is simple: it doesn’t pay to chase a girl. In my friend’s case, he couldn’t really do anything else to hook her attention. While there are hacks and tricks you can pull out of a hat to get a girl who doesn’t reciprocate your feelings and advances, is it really worth the time and effort to do all that?
The truth is, your time could be much better used for worthwhile endeavors like developing yourself, pursuing your interests, and expanding your worldview and experiences. As a byproduct of doing these things, you start to become a more well-rounded and attractive individual.
To reiterate these first two mental frameworks of “Abundance Mentality” and “Don’t Chase,” check out this video. While the concepts have to do with sales theory, and it certainly helps with getting a promotion at work, navigating workplace politics, and building rapport, I want you to pay attention to the examples of Tom and Michael vs. the film’s protagonist Peter’s approach.
If you notice Peter’s laid-back behavior, indifference, and brutal honesty, it pretty much mirrors the concepts of “Abundance Mentality” and “Don’t Chase.” On the other hand, Tom and Michael’s approach comes off as adversarial and inauthentic for the sake of placating and winning over the consultants who are interviewing them.
When you don’t feel like you have anything to lose and you’re not clamoring for acceptance and approval, you come off as more confident, and people will be more interested in what you have to say.
Have Your Own Life
As obvious as it might sound, this is the fundamental base for any healthy relationship to form and to build attraction with a woman.
Given the economic conditions of the post-financial crisis and post-pandemic world we live in, a lot of young men have had to put off real adulthood for a variety of reasons, ranging from costs of getting an education, to paying off student debt, and in some instances not having a healthy set of male role models or father figures to learn from and emulate to navigate the peaks and valleys of adulthood.
Besides not learning how to be independent or learn the fundamentals of masculinity from a father or father figure, a lot of young men get stuck in arrested development. This tends to manifest as either a relationship falling apart due to an unhealthy attachment and codependency formed with their girlfriend, or in some cases a lack of responsibility, much like the man-child trope you see in Seth Rogen movies.
My point is, being a man means having priorities and taking personal responsibility for your health, finances, relationships, and overall well-being. A girlfriend should always be a bonus to your life, not the center of it.
Becoming truly attractive and increasing your dating pool requires you to work on those fundamentals for the rest of your existence. It’s a tough balancing act, but once you have your own life, with your own priorities and responsibilities to deal with, it makes getting a girlfriend much easier, since you’re not making her the center of your entire world 24/7.
Have a Passion
One of the most common issues that students bring up in our Dating Mastery Program and workshops is that they can’t think of anything interesting to talk about. While a lot of courtship and seduction deals with having great listening skills and being present, what’s really sexy to a woman is a man with a vision, a dream he’s actively working towards, or having interesting things going on in his life.
Whatever your quirky passions may be, whether it’s cooking, collecting items, dancing, or fitness, own it and don’t hesitate to share that part of yourself whenever the topic comes up. Don’t feel discouraged if you don’t feel like you have anything interesting to talk about or share about your own life. A lot of the fun is the process of discovering those things along the way.
Take for example my unconventional career path as an entrepreneur. While it does have its downsides, I always make a point to talk about the positives, like the flexibility in my schedule, how it aligns with my personal values of adventure and the need to express my creativity, and the interesting characters I meet along the way.
I don’t lie or embellish my lifestyle as something like a Dan Bilzerian Yacht Party. I merely make a point to talk about the positives and how genuinely happy I am deep down inside by taking a chance on my passion and foregoing stability at this phase in my life. My point is, how you frame your passion and how it aligns with your personal values is what really matters.
Have Impeccable Hygiene
I’m not saying you need to look like a GQ cover model, but just this simple fix alone does wonders for your attraction and how women will perceive you from the get go.
While having a great fashion sense goes a long way, especially if you haven’t been blessed in the genetic lottery, the truth is that after a decade of navigating the dating scene and coaching men, one thing I’ve learned is that the more confident and comfortable I’ve become with myself over the years, my fashion sense was never really something that turned women’s heads.
I actually dressed much better when I first started learning about dating, compared to now with my current minimalist wardrobe of fitted black jeans, a black, white, or grey fitted v-neck, and either a pair of clean tennis shoes or mid-cut boots that is my day to day style in the office and while I’m out and about.
I may work in the fashion industry, but everyone has their own signature styles that work for them. I’d argue that your hygiene and grooming is much more important if you want to get a girl’s attention and keep her around.
A lot of men tend to neglect common sense things like having fresh smelling breath, wearing deodorant or cologne, having clean and healthy skin, a fresh and clean haircut, and nicely trimmed stubble or a clean shave. If you’re balding, I recommend either going for a full Jason Statham and getting a buzz-cut or if you can afford it, getting a hair transplant.
Packaging is important. Even though I don’t dress as nicely as I used to, I still make a point to wear clothes that fit properly and have monochromatic colors, because it never looks dated and is easy to pair with other things like a nice winter coat, leather jacket, or a blazer if you’re going for more of a smart casual look.
No matter where you are in life, hygiene is something you should never ever slack on or cut corners with. Besides being a form of self care which naturally increases your confidence, grooming yourself regularly is a small detail that gets a girl’s attention. It makes such a big difference because a lot of men ignore these little quick and cheap fixes out of laziness, convenience, not really knowing any better, or thinking that it doesn’t really matter if you’re already comfortable with yourself.
Here’s a news flash… Think about the billion dollar industry that’s the beauty industry. Women spend hundreds if not thousands of dollars a year on beauty products alone.
Let me walk you through an exercise that we always utilize in our workshops: Imagine how a new iPhone or any Apple product is packaged. What does it look like? How does it feel? Is it aesthetically pleasing? Are the contents of that package neatly organized or does it look like a jumbled mess of cables and instruction manuals?
Now imagine yourself as a product. How would you package yourself if you were a new Apple product offering? The point of this simple exercise is to get you to think about yourself as a product. Besides your intangible qualities that cannot be quantified, like your experiences, talents, sense of humor, and other skills, you still have to get through the door and look presentable.
If you need a reference point on how to get on top of your grooming, along with some other amazing men’s fashion and lifestyle tips, I highly recommend you check out this video.
While this article spent a lot of time on common sense principles and fundamentals, one thing you have to understand is that you can’t build a house without a solid foundation. This ties in heavily with our coaching philosophy. Without the fundamentals, tactics and strategies are completely useless.
In part two of this article, we’ll shift our focus to the best tactics and strategies you can start implementing to nurture attraction with a girl and keep her interested in you.
‘Til next time,