At Craft of Charisma, we’ve spent years observing social interactions around the world and interviewing women about what they respond to in men. From our conversations, observations, and experiments, we’ve noticed patterns. Certain behaviors tend to cause positive responses in women, while other behaviors drive them up a wall.
In particular, we’ve found three things that women hate about men.
Answer this question honestly: Do you need attention, validation, and approval? It’s okay, we all do. Even the most hard-nosed bad boys and business executives act the way they do because it helps them get rewards, such as attention and approval, from society.
But here’s another question: Is it healthy for a grown man to seek approval from a woman he’s just met?
Attraction is based on a perception of value. If you seek approval from a woman, you’ve communicated that you perceive her (at least in that context) to be more valuable than you. A lot of women lack self-confidence. By placing her above you, you communicate that you are even less confident than her, which isn’t attractive. Why should she be attracted to someone who doesn’t value themselves?
Everyone needs validation and approval. But a grown man should seek that validation from friends, family, career accomplishments, and hobbies, not from women he has just met.
2. Neediness and Clinginess
When someone clings onto you for emotional support, what’s your first reaction? If you’re like most people, unless you have a strong relationship with that person, your first instinct is to push that person away. You might do so in the kindest way possible. But no one likes spending time with someone who is trying to leech positive emotions from them.
Now here’s something to consider: What would it be like to be an attractive woman? Not only would you have men constantly competing for your time and attention, but many of them are trying to feel better about themselves by being close to you, even if it’s only for a few minutes.
If you had way more men approaching you than you could ever have time to get to know, would you spend time with any man who needs your validation to feel comfortable with himself?
Yet, insecure men will seek validation from women they hardly know. It’s hard for me to believe now, but I did this all the time in my teens. Too shy to express my interest directly, I would put my head on the chopping block in much more embarrassing, if less direct, ways by asking women to validate me.
For example, I’d ask a girl I’d met in class if I was her type, or I’d fish for compliments by saying negative things about myself, hoping that the girl would take the bait. This behavior is terrible and communicates that you don’t have a deep-seated sense of self-worth.
3. Clinging to Conversational Topics
Once you find a conversational topic that the woman is interested in, it can be difficult to move onto something else.
One common issue is clinging to the conversational topics that you know the woman is interested in. A man will start talking to a woman and she will react positively when he mentions that he has a dog. “Oh my god,” she says. “I have a dog too.”
Relieved that he has found a topic that the woman is interested in, the guy will try to talk about dogs and only dogs for the next twenty minutes, even if he’s not that interested in the topic.
There are two problems with this.
1) You’re going to exhaust this conversational topic and you’re both eventually going to get bored. Once you’re bored, it’s difficult to save the conversation. You’re much better off having a more dynamic conversation that runs across a wider range of topics.
2) By exaggerating your own interest in the topic (dogs, fashion, or whatever) you are changing yourself to try to fit in with the woman, which is generally a strategy of someone lower in status, attempting to gain alignment with someone who has higher status. If you were a high-status male with leadership qualities, you would be used to people trying to appeal to your interests, not the other way around.
What do all three of these behaviors have in common?
The man is communicating insecurity because he feels like he has to impress the woman to establish his value, instead of assuming that other people already understand and recognize his value.
At the core, the man thinks he is “not enough” for the woman. Because he desires her, he latches onto an outside attribute–it could be his academic knowledge, his job, or the college he went to–in an attempt to make a better impression.
At our Dating Foundations Series, we go through the inner mindsets and outer behaviors that you must adopt in order to stamp out these unattractive behaviors.