adminDear Chris,
I hope you are well. I can’t believe it’s been a year since I’ve seen you. I miss you very much.
As you may remember, I moved to Kyrgyzstan after Ireland to write my thesis. I finished it on Monday and for the first time in a year have freedom again. Because I was so busy with school I feel that I didn’t really get to have a true living abroad experience and have decided that I will stay a few more months here to do so. I also got a job teaching English and am making good relationships with many people.
I was wondering if you might be able to give a bit of advice. Because I was so busy with school I didn’t get to practice my skills as much and my confidence waned for a long time. But in the last few weeks I’ve been reviewing my material a lot from your class plus watching a lot of Gambler and Kezia’s videos and buying a lot more stylish clothes. And I have been making plans with my students and co-workers to start hitting the clubs. I am beginning to feel again like I did when I was with you.
But when I first arrived there was a gorgeous girl living next door to me. We would chat a lot but I was very shy and uncomfortable and I think she really took notice. Although I did pick up some subtle hints that she may have been interested. I’ve been feeling much better now but she went back to her hometown for the summer. I saw her there a month ago and did much better than before but was still a little awkward. She started off a bit cold but eventually started talking and laughing so I think there could be hope. Now that schools started again I think she may be back in town and plan to call her. I think that now with my much more positive frame of mind and better outlook, there could be great potential. If I do get to meet her how can I get over the hurdle if she still had the imprint of the awkward me rooted in her mind?
-Richard
Hi Richard, it’s great to hear from you!
First, how do you know that she has an imprint of an awkward you in her mind? Maybe she does, and maybe she doesn’t. Unless you have evidence that she thinks that you’re awkward, then this is fantasy. Even in the event that you know that she thinks that you’re awkward, that doesn’t mean that she wouldn’t date you.
I don’t often share a lot of personal stories, but I’m going use one as an example.
The Awkward Moment
On my first date with my girlfriend, we decided to attend a yoga class, and afterwards go to breakfast. I love to ride my bike, so I decided to ride my bike to the yoga class and lock it in front of the studio. Then, I met her in the yoga studio and we participated in her first yoga class. It was a lot of fun! Afterwards, we headed downstairs so that I could unlock my bike and we could walk to breakfast.
During that walk, we asked each other questions and tried to get to know each other. Then, I did something incredibly awkward. As I was turning a corner, I walked into her with my bike.
Either way the pedals of my bike are metal, so it scratched up her leg a bit and probably left a bruise or two. It made me look pretty clumsy. She was shocked, but I was able to recover. Then I did it again. I have to ask her, but I may have done it a third time.
As I got to know her better, I found out that she used that story when trying to describe me, and the date, to her best friend. From my memory, her friend responded by saying that I sounded, “Oblivious” and “Endearing.”
The point is, it’s okay to be human. It’s okay to make mistakes. And it’s okay to be a bit awkward or clumsy. If fact, these traits will make a woman feel comfortable around you. With that said, you still need to be type of man to whom women are sexually drawn, which is easier than a lot of guys think.
Build Attraction and Comfort
The basics are to stay in shape, wear clothes that fit and are within basic fashion trends, to shower, and to stay well groomed. Having goals and passions helps too. You would be amazed at how many guys fuck up in these two first parts. Beyond this, it’s mostly about creating attraction, comfort, sexual tension, and then knowing what to do when, which comes through experience.
Going back to the example of my first date with my girlfriend, although I was a bit awkward, I had a clear plan. I knew where I was going to take her and what we were going to do. Through this process, I took her into my life and gave her the opportunity to explore it. This communicated confidence and created attraction.
In addition, I gave her the opportunity to get comfortable with me. I asked her questions (general open-ended questions and then later more personal questions) listened to what she said, and most importantly, I didn’t judge her.
Finally, when the time was appropriate, I wasn’t scared to make a move. Later, she told me that I barely touched her on our first date and that I showed no sexual interest. The date lasted eight hours. It wasn’t until the last 15 minutes when she was getting ready to leave, at which point I kissed her and we ended up having sex.
Although I haven’t seen you in a while, I’m assuming that you still have the basics down. Beyond the basics, focus on the following:
- If you meet up with her, have a plan.
- Use this plan to bring her into your passions, interests, and life.
- Allow her the space to get comfortable (if she’s laughing, as you described, that’s a great sign).
- Ask her questions, listen, and try to understand her. During this process don’t judge her, or yourself.
- When the timing is right, don’t be scared to make a move.
One last thing. You mentioned that when you saw her last she “started off a bit cold.” This might be because she isn’t interested in you, or this could be because she likes you a lot and she feels nervous around you. It could also be because she’s shy and doesn’t feel comfortable around you yet. Regardless, there is a great chance that you were misreading the situation.
This is where timing and experience come into play. It’s important to figure out where you’re at. I call this testing. Essentially, you want to test for where she’s at emotionally (attraction, comfort, and sexual tension) by asking her to do something, or stimulating her in some way (this could be as simple as saying hello) and then by observing her reaction for feedback on what to do next.
This is an incremental process that involves knowing what you want in the relationship, understanding where you’re at now, and pushing forward and sometimes pulling back from that direction in steps depending upon the feedback that’s she’s giving you through her behaviors.
As an example, you asked her to meet up this summer, and she did, which is a good sign. If she’s smiling and laughing when she’s with you, that an indicator that she’s probably having fun with you, and that you’re doing okay.
I could go on forever, but I think this will get you going.
Keep me updated!
-Chris