Why I’m Quitting Online Dating
-by Rob Virges
I admit the title of this post may sound a little biased towards why you shouldn’t do online dating or even dating apps for that matter. It’s not meant to be biased or per say another one of those “Modern Romance” type analysis on the hookup culture and the state of dating today. It’s also not meant to take out any frustrations or a lack of success on online dating for that matter as I’ve had plenty of successes and failures on online dating platforms. As a dating coach, I’m all for the use of dating apps and online dating, while it may have a lot of drawbacks, it’s still possible to find love in the digital world. I’ve had some really great flings and a few really memorable relationships with some really amazing women I’ve met through Bumble and Tinder. My former students too from varying walks of life have had successes in finding love on all the various online dating platforms from match.com all the way to JSwipe. But, even after a few years of experimenting with it, I’ve decided to take a hiatus from all online dating platforms ranging from Tinder all the way to blackpeoplemeet.com (just kidding, however I did experiment with this too at one point).
So why exactly am I taking a hiatus from the online dating world even though I had just talked about and mentioned all the positive things about it. I spent some time reflecting lately about it and it boiled down to just a simple and organic interaction I had with this pretty girl I had met while I was doing work at the local Starbucks the other day. It started with a simple friendly conversation about what we were drinking, to our work, and eventually it drifted towards the topic of online dating. It was pretty interesting seeing her perspective on the idea of finding love through the digital world. While at first she was curious and just wanted to meet someone after coming off a long two year relationship, she simply just found it all together overwhelming and not real at all as every guy she would swipe on would be an immediate match and she would be bombarded with too many matches and messages ranging from your standard “hey”, to your cheesy pickup line, to something really forward like how big her knockers were and why she should consider going out with him because of x,y, & z.
She eventually gave up on it and simply just vented to me about her frustrations about not being able to just have simple and spontaneous conversations like the one we were having and just organically meeting a guy. I could empathize with her situation though for myself and even my students included, in the world of online dating its the polar opposite for men. I can allude it to gambling really, it’s like pulling a slot machine. I’m sure a lot of you men can relate, sometimes you get a match and other times when you do, either she’s responsive for a moment then it just dies or instead of giving you the due diligence of un-matching you, you’re completely ignored. It’s quite frustrating really but other than some of those constraints I really had just thought about it for a moment, I managed to meet, flirt, and connect with this really pretty girl in a local Starbucks by simply getting out of my house and being social whereas on a dating app, she would most likely not give me the time of day due to a whole list of factors such as the thing I’ve mentioned above about being overwhelmed with matches and endless “heys” that she can’t get back to or just the superficial things about my dating profile such as the pictures not being high quality or interesting enough like Dan Bilzerian’s Instagram or even my bio not being cool enough or whatever.
So I’m going to give you a a few reasons followed by a challenge of why you should consider quitting online dating and dating apps:
- It’s Just Too Damn Superficial:
- I don’t mean to brag or sound like a douchebag but I find it quite ironic and strange that I can meet, connect, flirt, and attract really pretty women in person much better than on an online dating app. I have a colleague and a friend who makes a living optimizing dating profiles to get more matches and I had him do my profiles. While I did manage to have a good amount of matches followed by dates, I simply noticed that while they were cute, they weren’t exactly my type personality wise or physically. Compared to meeting a really pretty girl who you’d probably deem out of your league in a normal day to day scenario, I managed to get dates and go out with those type of girls who normally wouldn’t match with you or even give you the time of day on a dating app. Because of the high volume of matches for women, a lot of them have developed a filtering system based on the strength of your profile. This is purely based on anecdotal evidence from the various women I’ve interacted with about the topic of online dating. Most women usually have a checklist to filter through the high volume of messages from the hundreds of men trying their luck. The downside for you is that if you don’t meet one of the minimum requirements or something on that checklist, you’re out. These superficial things can range from your physical appearance, to height, to what you do for a living, or how attention grabbing and high quality your pictures are and etc.
- You get complacent and lazy
- There is really no personal or emotional growth from online dating. I can say that despite some of the obstacles and setbacks, for the men who know the rules of the game, how to play it efficiently, and leverage it to more dates. But, with that you have no incentive to go out, conquer your anxieties, break new milestones, meet prettier women, improve and hone your skill set, and build up your self-confidence in the process. This is one of the major factors as to why I’m quitting the online dating game, it’s made me complacent on a lot of levels and also because I’m a natural homebody. I’ve lost the edge and incentive to want to go out. By going out you’re creating more experiences for yourself that you normally wouldn’t get by staying home. Whether it’s meeting new people who can introduce you to new things, opportunities, and new experiences, honing your dating and social skills, and in general living a vibrant life and doing things that interest you. There’s more growth and evolution to be made by putting yourself out there rather than hiding behind the comfort of your smartphone applications.
- It’s just way too time consuming and just takes the thrill out of it.
- While some people have said online dating is more efficient, I beg to differ. It takes so much damn time to look through every single picture, read every single bio, and come up with something creative to open her and hook her attention. Sometimes you stumble upon a profile with a girl who is your exact type, she’s physically your type, and personality wise is your exact type. You have similar hobbies, interests, and a lot of mutual friends. But, because of the high volume of matches on her end and high standard filtering system, you just got no shot even with the optimizations, paid profile boost, and all the other bells and whistles to get her attention. Even after getting matches and securing dates, reading profiles, writing messages, setting up the logistics is just too time consuming and can get complicated even though you simply just want something low maintenance like grabbing a drink or a cup of coffee. The excitement is gone since you both already have a general idea of what your personalities are like, interests, and etc. What else is there to talk about? Where is the mystery, where is the fun, & why should we make assumptions right away?
- Oh wait I said it already, but let me say it again. IT’S JUST TOO DAMN SUPERFICIAL!!
- It’s hard to create a connection online, especially something as powerful as creating an emotional connection. While it’s possible and there are things you can do and apply to get matches and convert them to dates, It still just doesn’t feel real. I don’t know if it’s just me personally but online dating and dating apps have just made me pretty cold and emotionally distant. Just like in the dating game, don’t ever take anything personally in the online dating world. As I’ve mentioned the superficial things like looks, your bio, not being tall enough, career, status and etc. matter more. It feels so empty and cold. There are times where I’ve really tried to have a genuine and real conversation that was based off my curiosities after looking at a few girls profiles. Oftentimes women complain about the same thing and I tried this experiment for a while, just being genuinely curious and interested in what she does or what she’s all about and trying to have a conversation but it usually turns into this whole bullshit game of assumptions coming from her end, shit tests, and objections like “Oh, you probably say this to every girl.” or something snarky, weird, and just downright egotistical. I remember my former student from a while ago who brought this up in class about never getting any matches and just feeling ugly or unwanted cause of that. Now don’t get me wrong, he’s a pretty good looking guy with a great personality, cool hobbies, a great career, & has lot going for himself but, at the end of the day still struggled with self-esteem issues and confidence issues. He tried the online dating game for a little bit and it simply just crushed his self-esteem a little bit more. That was an extreme example and as I always say “toughen up and improve” but I can see where he was coming from.
In a nutshell, nothing beats good old fashioned human interaction and human connection. So I challenge you to take a tech fast and put yourself out there for the summer. Yes, I challenge you to quit the online dating game and get out there, create new experiences, and meet new people. If you can do 90 days, I recommend you try but, if you prefer to do a month, I challenge you to step up, level up, and just delete all your profiles and get out there and just meet women organically. Get out of the house, push yourself, and please send me an email and tell me about your experience with this challenge at Rob@craftofcharisma.com, I’ll get back to you ASAP.
Til next time….Take care for now, we’re always here for you guys!
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