Recently I was hanging out with my friend Jimmy, who was asking me for general dating tips like “How do you make yourself more attractive?” After grieving a five year relationship that had fallen apart during the pandemic, he was basically starting from square one.
Jimmy is a well-adjusted guy with a great sense of humor. To make a long story short, he’s really into stand up comedy. It’s a hobby he got into during the pandemic and something he plans to continue doing for fun. It’s been both cathartic and therapeutic for him as he grieved his breakup, and it was also a way for him to express his complex feelings and thoughts without isolating himself.
He started talking about SNL comedian Pete Davidson, since he had watched one of his impromptu shows earlier this year. Jimmy wasn’t complaining about his act, but one thing that he was trying to wrap his mind around was, “What do women see in him?”
I understand and empathize with Jimmy’s disposition. Like a lot of men, at one point I’ve also tried to understand what makes a guy like Pete Davidson so appealing to women. He’s not exactly Brad Pitt, and with the media always keeping track of his many relationships and crazy escapades, it’s well known that he’s prone to depression and has been battling a lot of personal demons over the years.
Attraction Isn’t All About Looks
As I explained to my friend Jimmy, attraction for men and women is quite different, which I also discussed in a recent article. Men tend to want a mate who’s physically attractive and at the prime age to produce children. This is why men unconsciously put a higher premium on looks, whereas women tend to screen out men based on more holistic factors like their ability to provide, protect, lead, and be emotionally attuned.
My point is that attraction for men is much broader. While physical attributes like looks, height, fitness, and how you present yourself can certainly get your foot in the door, they’re not the only things that’ll help you keep a girl around.
As I’ve mentioned countless times in previous articles, it’s okay if you weren’t blessed in the genetic lottery and aren’t the stereotypical “chad.” If Pete Davidson can date the most desired and attractive women in the world, it’s not impossible for you either. Of course fame certainly makes things a lot easier and provides the average guy with access to more women. But that doesn’t mean you can’t learn from celebrities.
This article does a good job of breaking down some key principles of Pete Davidson’s aura. According to Aimee Daramus, PsyD, LCP, and Sanam Hafeez, PhD, there are four possible reasons that make a not so conventionally attractive man like Pete Davidson appealing to women:
- He’s funny.
- He exercises vulnerability (which makes him relatable).
- He embodies strong family values.
- He comes off as the antithesis of a star (he has a down-to-earth element).
In this article, we’ll explore the pillars of attraction and add more context and depth to our recent articles on How to Get a Girl Interested In You – Part 1 and Part 2. We’ll also discuss how you can implement these concepts in your own life to meet the woman of your dreams and become a more charismatic and desirable man.
Drop the Manipulative Tactics
Going back to my friend Jimmy’s situation, I started reflecting on my early days learning about dating and seduction. Like any frustrated and impressionable young adult, I turned to the wisdom of “Reddit Philosophers and Experts” during those confusing times. But the typical pickup artist and dating forums are based on silly concepts and tactics that give the average guy a power trip when they achieve “Alpha” status.
Most guys in these Reddit rabbit holes focus on manipulative tactics instead of nurturing positive behaviors and mental frameworks that are more sustainable and transferable to other areas of life, like your career, business, and social circle. A lot of impressionable young men fall into the trap of thinking that they need to become players and hit arbitrary metrics as a means to validate their masculinity, rather than dating with purpose and intention.
I can say without a doubt that my dating, social, and coaching skills have served me well in other facets of my life. I’d even argue that I wouldn’t have gotten a Master’s degree in business or had the risk tolerance and confidence to start a business fresh out of undergrad if I hadn’t developed all these skills from my time coaching with Craft of Charisma, along with all my failures and successes in the dating scene over the last decade.
Much like our core dating philosophy around being social, confident, and dynamic, this list will likely mature and evolve with time. Don’t worry about getting bogged down with the details. Remember the core concepts and principles and start implementing them into your life. Over time, they will help you increase your attraction and likability, so you won’t only have a vibrant dating life but a vibrant life with lots of doors opening for you.
If you’re like our students and your goal is to attract high-value, high-caliber people and build relationships, then internalize these principles. And if you get stuck at any point, remember: “Go back to the fundamentals, experience them, and master them. Without it, there’s no such thing as moving to the next level.”
The Pillars of Attraction
Have principles, ethics, and a code to live by.
By no means am I a saint, and I make no bones about my imperfections and shortcomings as an individual. I’m human and make mistakes like everyone else. But at the risk of sounding self-righteous, it’s important to have a clear set of principles and values that guide your life. Nothing will develop your core confidence more than having integrity with yourself and the choices you make.
During my impressionable younger years, I wasn’t always aware of how my actions would affect other people. One thing I’ve learned the hard way from my years in the dating game is the principle of dealing with women’s hearts, love, time, and emotions. This doesn’t just apply to women, but to anyone you cross paths with. Don’t be irresponsible and leave a trail of broken relationships and bad blood.
I highly recommend you develop a code of rules to live by. This will act as a framework to guide you and keep you in check. Always remember that sticking to your guns and what you believe in is sexy. If you need a starting point on developing boundaries and values, check out this guide by Mark Manson. I’ve also learned how to develop my personal code from the book The Four Agreements, which taught me the basics of having integrity and did wonders for my core confidence.
Omar Little, a fictional character from the iconic HBO show, The Wire, also has some great insights on developing a code. I’m not saying you need to become a guy that makes a living robbing drug dealers like Omar. But what’s fascinating about his character arc is that in a show where there’s no stereotypical good or bad guys, he’s the only character that abides by a personal code of ethics and rules that doesn’t beholden him to the corrupt system at large.
Accept your shortcomings, but don’t be ignorant.
I’ve made a point to leave every relationship better than I’ve found it. One thing I’ve learned over the years from my own experiences and from our students is how to identify and avoid common red flags that come up in relationships.
Depending on the severity of these red flags, it’s okay to enter a relationship with them as long as you acknowledge them and actively work through them like any healthy functioning adult. Problems arise when people blindly enter relationships without acknowledging or working through glaring red flags.
Walking on eggshells and being conflict avoidant isn’t the healthiest way to handle a growing relationship. While developing relationship skills is beyond the scope of this article, if you want to learn how to communicate more confidently and directly, and not only have respect for yourself but gain respect, establish trust, and build healthy relationships, I highly recommend the following books:
Make decisions based on values and principles, not looks.
Your well-meaning friends and your father at one point probably gave you this piece of advice when it comes to looking for a suitable long-term girlfriend. I admit I’ve fallen into this trap a few times throughout my 20s. As a young man exploring your curiosities, I understand the power of lust all too well and what it does to your mind.
Too many men get easily swooned by a woman’s appearance. Unfortunately, this intoxicates and blinds you from being able to function on a level-headed and clear state of mind. I’m not saying you shouldn’t pursue women who catch you off guard and throw you off your A-game. What I am saying is, don’t put a premium on her looks alone.
Nothing lasts forever and nobody stays physically attractive and young forever. This not only goes for women but also for men. My point is, judge people on their values, their character, and their vision in life. If someone doesn’t hold the same values as you, you may want to consider whether or not to proceed with that relationship.
Online dating is cool, but real life is optimal.
Online dating is tough as it is and requires a lot of leg work and good messaging skills. I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with it. But I can say from experience that dating apps don’t teach you the intuitive and priceless real-world skills that come from putting yourself out there and meeting people.
Online dating protects your ego from the comfort of being behind your iPhone screen. Meeting people in real life teaches you to make bolder choices and develop your core confidence even more.
Approaching strangers, building trust and rapport, and doing it in a way that’s congruent with your authentic personality is a superpower that will take you places in life from your career, dating, and beyond. Use online dating as a supplement to your skill-set, since there’s much more to be gained by meeting people organically.
Don’t beat around the bush; say what you mean and mean what you say.
While I’ve gotten better at softening the blows with experience and maturity, I still stand by my personal philosophy of cutting the foreplay and getting straight to the point. Being able to communicate honestly and authentically without second-guessing your thoughts and actions communicates power, strength, and self-worth.
I’m not saying to take this as free rein to be a domineering asshole who doesn’t listen to anyone or take any advice into consideration. Having great listening skills along with being direct will open many doors for you and probably save yourself and the women you meet from any misunderstandings. Say what you mean and mean what you say in a socially intelligent and empathetic manner. I already recommended this book a previous point, but Radical Honesty also applies here.
Always see the abundance in the world.
I’m not going to go into some delusional self-help guru talk about believing in the power of the universe. Don’t take this principle as, “Everything is gonna be okay, I should stop giving a fuck, and go move to a commune in the middle of the desert.” Pay your bills, keep building yourself and your life up, and be a responsible adult. Revisit the section on abundance mentality in this article for a deeper dive.
This concept doesn’t just apply to dating; it applies to life. Adopt the mindset that no matter what, many opportunities will come your way. There’s no need to have a fear of missing out. For example, just because one budding relationship went bad doesn’t mean you should punish yourself and become a nihilist.
An abundance of opportunity also means that you intentionally decide to pass on not so optimal opportunities like dating a co-worker or your best friend’s ex. Know when to move forward and know when to fold. Don’t get bogged down in the particulars, just remember there will always be another opportunity.
Besides just thinking about it, you actually have to put this idea into practice. Next time something doesn’t work out for you, don’t sweat it. If you want to learn how to develop this mindset in a practical and applicable manner, check out the following books:
There’s nothing wrong with friend-zoning women.
As I’ve said in “Dating with Purpose” and “How to Get a Girl Interested in You,” there’s nothing wrong with getting friend-zoned. While you may not always get the girl you’re fantasizing about, you never know who she may end up introducing you to if things don’t work out the way you expect.
Do your best to stay on good terms with everyone you come across. If someone isn’t a good fit, it’s no big deal. Part ways as friends, stay in touch when you can, and introduce each other to a friend who might be a better fit. That old saying about good karma has some truth to it; don’t expect anything and keep nurturing the other aspects of your life.
A well-rounded personality is magnetic.
Here’s the paradox about dating that a lot of students going through our programs don’t get at first. It’s always funny when I get a text or call from a former client a year or two down the road and they echo some variation of the same idea… “I finally get why you focused on getting the basics right.”
Here at Craft of Charisma, we give our students the attention, experience, and most of all the right mentorship and advice to nudge their lives in the right direction. Most of the time it’s focused on the other pillars of their lives like creating a lifestyle based on your interests and building social circles around that, developing communication skills like body language, vocal tonality, language patterns, and navigating social dynamics, or to simply put it, “reading a room properly.” We also role-play different scenarios and help them stay focused on the bigger picture.
Going back to the paradox of dating, the moment you stop focusing exclusively on just getting dates and trying to attract a specific girl who caught your eye, it’s amazing how many opportunities pop up when you do the groundwork and develop your life and social circles. For more on this concept, refer to our Ultimate Men’s Guide to Dating in Your 20s – Part I and Part II.
Learn to balance eloquence with being unapologetic. Don’t be afraid to be bold, brave, and follow through on whatever you’re having fears about, while being well-mannered, chivalrous, and emotionally intelligent. Your personality should be a combination of your awesome traits, boldness, confidence, level-headedness, and sense of humor, while balancing it with empathy. It might be tough at first, but you’ll naturally hone this balance with more experience and trial and error.
Don’t blindly follow cliches, just buy the first round.
There’s a lot of confusing, at times misleading, and well-meaning dating advice. If you’re on a first date, just buy the first coffee or the first round and let her get the next. Do it out of chivalry and good will, not because you expect something in return like a second date, getting laid, or because you’re overcompensating for a shitty personality. Getting the tab doesn’t make you a “beta male cuck.” Your lack of self-worth in not getting that first round is what will hurt you in the long run.
You can’t attract or please everyone.
Learning about courtship, dating, and seduction isn’t about “convincing” her to fall in love with you or hard selling her on the benefits of dating you. It’s about giving yourself full permission to express yourself with confidence, freedom, and a lack of inhibition, and moving freely through the world as you are socializing whenever you feel like it.
By being congruent with your real personality, and accepting both your strengths and flaws, you’ll naturally attract the right people into your orbit and repel those who aren’t right for you. Learn to re-frame rejection as something positive. Of course it’s demoralizing getting turned down and running into a streak of rejections. But understand that not everyone is compatible or right for each other. Don’t worry about pleasing everyone, just focus on getting your life in order and let the rest fall into place.
Composure takes time to develop, so don’t beat yourself up if you lose your cool when shit hits the fan. The more you learn how to stay relaxed, composed, and focused during tense situations like a job interview or talking to a girl who really sweeps you off your feet, the more calm and naturally alluring you become over time.
It’s a tough skill to develop, but I’ve naturally mellowed out with age and experience, along with some post traumatic growth at various points in the last few years (which I’ll discuss in another article). The best ways to learn how to stay calm and relaxed is by developing a meditation practice, going to therapy, and consistently exposing yourself to things that you’ve been putting off out of fear of failure.
I don’t talk much about my personal spiritual practices that keep me grounded and rooted, but the key is to find out what works for you. As a couple of starting points, I recommend Sam Harris’ Waking Up App for meditation and Better Help if you need easy access to a mental health professional.
I don’t meditate anymore, but when I was going through a dark period in my life about a year and a half ago and experiencing bouts of nihilism, what got me through that and the isolation of the pandemic was the support of my friends and family, going to therapy, and having a daily meditation practice that I learned through Sam Harris’ App. If you can’t afford it, send them an email and they’ll give you free access for up to a year.
Your “vibe” is a reflection of your internal world.
Others feel what you’re feeling inside. If you’re overwhelmed with negative thought patterns, suffering from unresolved trauma, or just haven’t had the right support and positive feedback in your life, people will sense that weight you’re carrying. I always say work from the inside out. Take advantage of all the resources out there if you need therapy or support. If Better Help isn’t your thing, you can also try a support group such as ManKind Project or EVRYMAN.
Take breaks, you don’t have to focus on dating all the time.
Some of my best breakthroughs have happened when I’ve taken a hiatus from dating and even coaching to focus on getting other areas of my life in order. Taking a break from dating is a blessing in so many ways. A lot of the students who come through our programs make the mistake of rushing back into the dating scene after not properly processing and grieving a breakup.
Taking a break from “dating” and trying to form “relationships” will give you the clarity and space to focus on learning about yourself, your values, what’s important to you, and why you are the way you are. Self-awareness is incredibly important. Taking time to work on yourself and your emotional and mental health is the absolute best thing you can do for your relationship with yourself and with others.
Do whatever the hell you feel like doing!
This is another important aspect of developing your core confidence. I saved this principle for last because it might sound counterintuitive and contradictory to everything I just mentioned. But essentially, it’s about simply forgetting all the guidelines and advice, and allowing yourself to knock everything on this list and all the other pieces of advice we give you.
At the end of the day, you are in control of your life. I can show you the door but I can’t walk through that door for you. You have to take the initiative and do what you want to do with your life. Do whatever you feel like doing whenever you feel like doing it (of course with the exception of anything that will harm you or anyone else).
To elaborate on this point, a lot of guys get bogged down in the particulars around when and how to execute a specific strategy. For example, one time I coached a client who was a naturally analytical person. He was very bright, but thinking analytically kept getting him stuck with dating. Remember that human beings are emotional and unpredictable. You can’t say a specific line at a specific time and they’ll automatically fall in love with you.
One time, he was talking to a girl and was in the process of setting up a date with her. But I could sense that he really wasn’t into her or excited about it. He kept complaining that he didn’t feel like answering her texts all the time at a specific interval. So I told him that if he didn’t want to go out with her, then he should just let her go and tell her he wasn’t feeling it anymore. It’s not personal, it’s a matter of not wasting her time or yours.
I’m using this example to emphasize the principle that if you don’t feel like doing something, then don’t do it! Do whatever makes sense to you, because you’re in the driver’s seat of your life. Start playing by your own rules and trust your intuition. Not only will it help you build self-confidence, but it will also help you develop more confidence with your actions and choices.
Focusing on these principles of attraction over tactics, scripts, and specific applications will help you naturally develop your own lines and positive behaviors congruent with your personality.
Learning to think for yourself is a valuable life skill. What makes me happy as a coach is the day when my students don’t need me anymore. I always try to live by my dad’s personal motto: “Give the man a fish, you feed him for a day, teach him how to fish, you feed him for a lifetime.”
Here’s a recap of the key takeaways to remember from this article:
- Have principles, ethics, and a code to live by.
- Accept your shortcomings, but don’t be ignorant.
- Make decisions based on values and principles, not looks.
- Online dating is cool, real life is optimal.
- Don’t beat around the bush; say what you mean, and mean what you say.
- Always see the abundance in the world.
- There’s nothing wrong with friend zoning women.
- A well-rounded personality is magnetic.
- Don’t blindly follow cliches, just buy the first round.
- You can’t attract or please everyone.
- Stay composed.
- Your “vibe” is a reflection of your internal world.
- Take breaks, you don’t have to focus on dating all the time.
- Do whatever the hell you feel like doing!
‘Til Next Time,